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Dilemma And Issue Within My Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by indubalram, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Finest Post Winner

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    Hi Indu ma'am,

    I wanted to respond to your earlier thread also. The only thing which strikes me when i read your posts are that you are still stuck in the past. Or your husband is making sure you are.

    Inspite of having your daughter married and settled and living comfortably, you are still made to question your past choices.

    I feel its high time you come out of this. IMHO all your problems that you ate currently facing are coz of yourself. People around you are making you feel insecure. Maybe because they are insecure when they see you made it so far good or when they see you happy?!?

    Specially when you are old or these days age doesnt matter, its always easy to pass judgement and give free advise. Just coz its free doesnt mean its wonderful. Its the opposite of that.

    I would usually suggest you to give it back to these people but i ask you to do only one thing now to begin with. Can you play deaf whenever your husband or anyone talks anything about past or dig up the past or try to talk unnecessary things?

    If playing deaf is hard for you, just calmly get up and walk away from the room. You are not answerable to anyone specially to your husband or brother. Just keep doing this until you able to tune them out. Just get up and walk away.

    I know it might look simple to me when i am writing this but it would be a hard thing for you. Please dont get stuck in the past loop. Its a never ending loop which has no way out until you decide to find a way.

    Walk out on them until you tune out their outbursts which they are doing to make you feel small. Your husband knows that he is responsible partly for the mess but to make himself feel better and you miserable he is doing these things.

    Make peace with the past. Yes, bad things happened with your daughter but things are better now. Actually your daughter is out of that past and living a happy life now but you are still stuck there. Pls dont make your life a hell by living through the past horrors again and again. Whatever happened is over. Done. Dont go over it. Its not worth it.

    I recommend you to try and stay away from your husband. Go for a walk alone, try and take up hobbies which you wanted to try for sometime. If you love reading, get yourself a library membership. If nothing works, just lock yourself in the room alone and listen to your fav music or watch your fav movie.

    I feel the more time you spend alone, the more you will feel better, stronger and more confident.

    Let goddess Durga bless you with the courage you need to overcome this obstacle.
     
  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Mam,

    I'm too young to give any advice. Lot of experienced people have given good pointers.
    Past is done . Wish there was an Undo button in life but unfortunately it's not there.
    But please focus on present and focus your mind on some good things. Be it even small thing like looking at your plants or listening to music. Calm your mind and do some introspection. You'll realise you are not at fault.
    I pray for your peace of mind.

    Regards.
     
    lavani likes this.
  3. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    +1... no +100. I cant put enuf stress on the words above.

    I have seen first hand how some people ruined and burnt their present and future which was green enough with the petrol they bought from the past. It is sad!

    Please, your strings with the past have become parasites on you and not letting you see what you are blessed with ( healthy daughter, all set, married and settled, in the US etc).
    Past wasnt fantastic.
    Present is not bad at all. Many have a goal about the spot you are in. However you are letting your H ruin it for you.
    Future is all in your hands!, with things settled it could be sweet smell of roses!

    Goodluck Indu madam:).
     
  4. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    I need a way to shed out my stress that’s y Bc I have no support system. Im all alone.
     
  5. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    Its natural to feel alone when you are in an unhappy marriage. Stay away from negative people including your husband.

    Ask yourself, whats the purpose your life?
    What do you want in your life?
    How do you like to spend rest of your life?
    What makes you happy? Please introspect.

    If you dont know, how can we ask for anything or seek help? You need to find it out. Take your own time.

    If you are thinking that somebody will come and help you there, no.. Only you can help yourself.

    First of all remove the feeling that you dont have a supporting system. Consider all of us here as your cheer leaders. Slowly remove your inhibitions and take steps one by one.
    Do that when you still have the energy to do things. Prepare a bucket list. Check one by one. Start now. Later you should not feel that you wasted your precious time thinking about it instead of being proactive & taking control of your life. If there is a will, there is a way.

    If you like to build social life the following link may he useful. Google to find many other articles on this topic.
    11 Things to Do When You Feel Like You Don't Have Anybody
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2021
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  7. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

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    First of all , their accusing you for the chicken and wine is ridiculous.You should learn to stand up to your alcoholic husband, if anything he is the one who is a bad influence on the kids.
    That said, there may be many reasons for your daughter's going that way- it's not always the parents' fault. It is mainly peer pressure , or could even be some emotional crisis in her life, or feeling aimless and hopeless,career/relationship issues. There could be a range of factors. Rather than blaming or taking self-blame, it is time to think of solutions.
    Abroad maybe the atmosphere and peer pressure is such, But not every one falls into those things And it is not that it doesn't happen in India. Do not blame yourself- when going abroad you were looking out for the best interests of your family and your children's future. Life is not under our control always.
    Your daughters is young- it's not too late. You can enroll her in therapy, or a rehab. Talk to her what issues she is facing in her personal life.With your emotional support, I hope she will be able to come out of this. Beyond that , it is not in your hands.
    Your husband's behaviour has destroyed your self-esteem.Even your broher has a conservative mindset- do not involve him unnecessarily as he has been of no help. You have to build back your confidence as a woman and a mother. Have faith in your past decisions, and your good intentions behind them.With a confident and calm attitude, you can solve your life's problems better.
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Indu,
    Think about it. Your daughter is now married and well settled. From all accounts, she is supportive of you. She has given you inputs on your situation with your husband. The one whom everyone is berating you about is actually thriving in her life. She is the reason you came to the US. Wine drinking or chicken eating didn’t break her in the end. She did well. Forget about these nay sayers. Focus on what is right in your life right now. You are employed and you don’t have any responsibilities. It’s your time, make it worth while. Enjoy every second you have for yourself. Your daughter had a stumble or two along the way but she’s ok. You should make yourself your top priority and act on it. Make your own happy place.
     
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  9. indubalram

    indubalram Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok thanks
     

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