Different opinions in raising kids and leading to fights

Dear aannam

I might not be as qualified/experienced to be suggesting something to you but i think i can understand what situation you might be facing adays. Let me tell you something, its nothing related to your problem but something i felt like sharing here.. my dad knows absolutely nothing about cooking, so my mom is the one taking care of everything in the kitchen - from cooking to utensils to cleaning etc.. And i used to be very frustrated to see this. Now i feel glad to see my husband quite active in the kitchen. But my problem is that my husband's cookking styles do not match with my taste buds.. bonkBUT, i try to accept him as an entire package.

Your husband seems to be quite disciplined himself and shares your work load too. And he wants to inculcate the same culture in his children as well. So, my suggestion would be to try and accomodate his behavior as long as it is reasonable. We all know dear, that dads are always the ones with hunters shakehead and moms always are caring,:kiss so it doesnt seem to be an extra-ordinary problem.
As for the hitting the children, i believe you can explain it to him that raising kids in the US this way is just going to land you both in trouble in the future. And it would be a better idea to mould your kids with words coz that is all you will be able to do once your kids get school-going; and hitting/scolding would need to be minimised.

Hope this helps.
Good luck

Charu..

 

dear aannam,
u r lucky in some ways to have a hubby who wants to be involved in childrens upbringing.
just tell him NO beating whatever the reason.also ,by doing the same thing (beating) one cannot change the behaviour.
kids that small do not understand the implication of their actions.they have to be taught again & again.
i find the site askdrsears .com very useful in child upbringing (check the topic discipline) .there is also a topic on how harmful beating is for kids.trust me after reading it ur hubby will never raise hand on the kids.
love
pragati

 

Hi,

Don't get so upset. You are just having a difference of opinion with your husband regarding the parenting strategy to be followed. You want to take a softer approach and your husband wants a more stern approach. Personally I also feel that beating children especially a 20 month old is not the right approach. You need to come with a mutually agreeable strategy on disciplining children. So instead of getting frustrated why don't you try to get some parenting books from the library or book store. You may get some parenting ideas by reading those books and you can share them with your husband. Sometimes husbands find it easier to accept suggestions from a book or from their friends rather than from their spouses. Good luck !!

Kavya.

 

Dear Aanamon,

I read your mail and i also got upset when i read how your husband hit your 20 month old child. Being discplined and expecting your children to be the same is good intention. But you cannot discpline them by hitting them - esp a child as young as 20 month old. Doesnt your husband feel guilty for laying his hands on such a young toddler??/

Children who are raised by beating, will grow up and start hitting others as they will think that is the only way to deal with problems. they may even become wife beaters. its not their fault. thats how they have been brought up - hitting to correct mistakes or solve problems.

Dont give your husband a chance to hit the children. Before he can raise his hand, you take the initiative to talk sternly to your child or move the child away from his reach.
Let your husband scold you, taunt you that your not a good mother...its ok...ultimately, its the child's happiness that matters.

Please be firm on this issue.

Jaya

 

Dear Aanamon,

I read your mail and i also got upset when i read how your husband hit your 20 month old child. Being discplined and expecting your children to be the same is good intention. But you cannot discpline them by hitting them - esp a child as young as 20 month old. Doesnt your husband feel guilty for laying his hands on such a young toddler??/

Children who are raised by beating, will grow up and start hitting others as they will think that is the only way to deal with problems. they may even become wife beaters. its not their fault. thats how they have been brought up - hitting to correct mistakes or solve problems.

Dont give your husband a chance to hit the children. Before he can raise his hand, you take the initiative to talk sternly to your child or move the child away from his reach.
Let your husband scold you, taunt you that your not a good mother...its ok...ultimately, its the child's happiness that matters.

Please be firm on this issue.

Jaya

 

Hi,

It is better not to openly show strong differences in parenting styles in front of kids. When kids see that one parents is harsh and another is more easy going they take good advantage of it They will divide and conquer. I did that when I was young So better come to an agreement on your parenting style.

I really don't know how effective spanking is on disciplining children. Would it achieve the purpose or would it just make the children more violent? My 15 month old toddler bites me badly when nursing from me. I posted the question on indus ladies and they suggested me to mildly spank him on his bottoms or give him a light slap on his cheek. I tried that approach. The first few times my son started crying a lot when I slapped him lightly on his cheek when he bite me. Then I noticed that he would deliberately bite me and see how I react. He would not get upset if I slap him lightly. Now I am at a loss as to how to stop him from biting me while nursing. Probably it is time I wean him off.

Kavya.

 

well hitting a child is wrong .
Also, when one parent is trying to correct a child,the other parent should NEVER interfere.if u do,the child will know that he/she has support and will manipulate.

if u ask me both of u r in extremes. ur husband should not hit a child and u should not go too soft with them.

u should find a balance.

good luck.

 

looks like most men want to control kids by hitting. i dont get that.. i am going thru the same thing but trying to figure out different way to handle this.. i try to takecare of him mostly so he dont go to dad to bother him other than time to play.. its only child for us.. so situation is different... Some men dont change their hands are like so hard.. tears roll down when my hubby hit my kid last month.. not anymore.