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Differences In Ttc Journey

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by coffeecups, May 16, 2017.

  1. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    Here again I'm with another post.
    This is one thing that is bugging me right from the start of TTC and I should have addressed this earlier but better late than never.
    I consider us as TTC whereas my h considers that I want a baby. This is what I have understood from some of the arguments we had ( some major, most minor)
    I want some clarity and suggestions.
    My background in brief. Was studying after marriage. 3 years were gone and I completed my studies. I didn't want a kid then bcos I felt I could not balance both. My h agreed with it. There was no pressure from close family after we made them understand our priorities. But I knew that, we both agreed that we didn't have a great understanding and our relationship shud mature and we shud not rush into kids. There was no great understanding bcos we were raised completely differently. I was aggressive, short tempered and extrovert. He was calm, patient and an introvert.
    3 years was over. 4th year started. I finished studies and started working. Realised that my cycles needed some attention as they were more irregular. I have irregular cycles from start. But for the last few cycles it was way too irregular. I couldn't count my fertile days due to the irregularity and hence met gynecologist.
    Gynecologist told that I had pcod. I felt low. My h was indifferent to this. He felt that I should not worry too much abt this. Used some meds and went back for follow up. I also had a cyst in my ovary which was persisting.
    By this time, my h got an offer for PhD programme in another city for 1 year. We moved there. I found a job there. Resumed my TTC journey in the new place.
    I clearly told my h that, TTC is imp to me. I hated it that I was the one who always stressed on it. I used to meet Dr alone as h was too busy. Tried hcg cycle and failed.
    My h was again calm. It could be that he didn't want to be visibly upset as it would hurt me. Or he is not that involved that it has hurt him.
    I get low frequently thinking about this TTC stuff and most of the time h is not available to discuss as he is busy. Even when we discuss he just says, things will happen, y rush into it.
    Today we had some argument and he says I am worked up about this TTC journey and he speaks as if it was a decision I made and he was neutral.
    I feel terribly hurt. After all the hsg, daily ovulation monitoring and other tests, he cooly says, I am way too rushing.
    Now we have been married for 4 years. My h finishes his PhD in 10 months. My concerns are
    Shud I let go off all TTC plans this 10 months and start from scratch after 10 months or
    Shud I continue with TTC with a passive h, with a laid back attitude.
    And we have IC less frequently. May be once in a month or even less. Initially I was worked up about this but lost interest some where along. H is ok with this and I think I have to live with this.
     
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  2. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    Also, I'm 30. He is 34.
    I have plans to study further which will take few more years (3-4 years to complete) and I don't want to be TTC and studying as it will b stressful. I want to complete my TTC journey, have a child and then go back and study.
     
  3. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Did you ask your H what he really wants??. in ur post..u r telling about your need and intentions.
    May be your H wants to finish his phd without any new things in life..may b he wants you to take care of pcod before trying for baby..we dont know
    You wanted to finish studies..you didnt want baby after that cuz you want to work on relationship..now you want baby..wat abt ur H? Does he want a baby too at this point?
    Dont count the years of marriage.. doesnt make sense.
     
  4. coffeecups

    coffeecups Gold IL'ite

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    My h is not keen on child at this point. I have understood that a bit late.But he remained calm when I was getting investigated in the name of infertility. He also spoke of iui as an option a month back. But, he is laid back about it.
    I feel pressured psychologically sometimes to have a kid and have started feeling inadequate in life due to it.
    My pcod is well controlled. I have anovulatory cycles and can't conceive naturally. Need medical help.
     
  5. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Ok.. so you know why there are differences in ttc journey.
    You wanted to get checked for irregular periods..which is good thing..one thing must have lead to other like getting to know about pcod,etc. its always important to know about our body and health, so that you can plan next steps. If ur H is not actively involved, then you will end up taking care of most of baby related stuff. And you want to have baby now cuz u want to later study. So everything is planned according to ur schedule, hence the resistance from ur H.
    Wat r ur H plans? When does he think is a good time to plan for baby? Iui is expensive..who will spend that money?
     
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  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    Having a baby needs a commitment from both of you. Last 6-months are extremely critical/stressful, for a PHD student to submit their thesis and finding their 1st job. You may have to move to a new city with your DH's job assignment.

    Since you waited so long, you can wait another 1 or 2 years. It will not make any difference since you need medical treatment.

    Conceiving/pregnancy is such a joyful/pleasant occasion for the couple. It is not wise to have a baby with a silent/hesitant spouse in life.

    I am sure, he will not abandon his responsibility as a father. Why do you want to fight against the tide? My office colleague (Asian) had a baby when she was 42. You have at least 10 more years.

    In my view, it is worth waiting until your DH is ready/cooperative for the treatment.
     
    Last edited: May 17, 2017
  7. penpaal

    penpaal Gold IL'ite

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    Discuss with your husband , check with him when he wants the baby ? What's his plan? I feel his PhD is giving enough stress ,so he is taking this lightly ..

    Next time when you got doctor check how bad is your condition . May be doctor can explain you how important it is to start now ,it will make him understand.

    Your concern is genuine but your husband situation is also unavoidable ..
     
  8. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Op,
    You and your husband should find a middle ground in this question. Seems like he really avoids this topic, but he should find time for you and you guys have to sit down and talk this issue through, trying your best to be empathetic towards each other. Ideally, you should have the same idea about when and how many kids you want to have. If he is not ready right now, ask when will he be ready, what are his concerns. Try not to get upset if he tells you something you don't want to hear. Just talk about what you want and find a compromise. Sometimes it takes more than one talk.

    Also, I don't want you to fill these pre-children years with anxiety and fears. These years are wonderful, actually. Yesterday my husband told me how much he misses the time when we could hop on a couch with pizza and watch our favorite show the whole evening or how we could just travel spontaneously, just two of us. After having children, we could not do it for almost four years. So enjoy while you can :)
    And please, try to ignore any outside pressures to have a child. It is only about you and your husband, other people should not have a say in this question.
     
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  9. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi, I think you should start TTC after 10 months. In the mean time u can try to correct your health issues. There is no point in forcing your husband to think about a baby now bcos his mind is occupied with other things. As he co-operated with your studies for 3 years, you should also wait for him to settle with his career PhD and other stuffs. Even if a child comes into your present situation, your husband won't be able to give any time and you would feel more low
     
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  10. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi
    From reading your post, it doesn't seem to me like your husband is opposed to the idea of having a baby, but he is just not available to give you the support you need for treatments. And that is probably because he is occupied with something else (his PhD) he considers more urgent and requiring of his attention. I think if you get naturally pregnant at this time, he will still be OK. I understand his POV. He probably just doesn't feel like he can invest in both his academics and your TTC treatment, since both can be quite stressful. May be try to give the treatments a break and see what you can do without too many invasive procedures to correct your PCOS, while continuing to try naturally. In the mean time, also calmly explain to him your concerns and anxieties on why you feel you need these treatments and hear him out on why he thinks you are rushing. I have heard that stress can be one of the biggest inhibitors of TTC. So try to eliminate that.
     
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