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Difference of opinions - What should i do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lavanya_28, Jan 24, 2009.

  1. lavanya_28

    lavanya_28 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am Lavanya and i stay in the U.S. with my husband and 3 year old daughter. I am in a strange situation at present and request everyone of you to give me your advice. I am married to my husband for 4 years and during the first year of my marriage i became pregnant with my daughter who is 3 years now. I never got time to spend with my husband alone and never had a chance to get to know him fully . Before we got married (arranged marriage), we got to email each other and at that time he told me that he wanted to return to India after 5 years. I told him that i was fine with that because i did not know anything about the U.S. lifestyle and the people here. Now he wants to go back to India this year itself. I am doing my Masters in Accounting and will be completing it this year. I do not want to go back to India so early as i want to work here for sometime. We have a good Indian community at our place and we meet every Friday to chant Vishnu Sahasranamam. We also have Balasatsang for kids so that they can learn slokas etc. I am so much in love with this community and do not want to leave this place. How much ever i try to tell him, he is not willing to change his decision? I also feel that my daughter will have an opportunity to become something in life. In India, education is so hard and with so much reservation it is very difficult to get an admission in a medical or engineering college. I feel i should not deprive her of those facilities which are available here in the U.S.
    Whenever we start to talk about this, it just goes into a terrible argument and we are not able to come to a compromise.
    I would like to know what i should do and why there is so much of difference of opinion between the two us. Sometimes i feel, we should not have got married at all because i do not feel he loves me at all. There is no alone time or we do not talk anything at all apart from he asking me about how my daughter was at her school and such stuff.
    Please help me.

    Thanks!
    Lavanya
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Lavanya,

    First let me start by saying I'm an Accounting student too. So yay accounting! :banana

    Ok, now to serious business. I definitely think you have the right idea finishing your degree and working here at least for a little while. You are also right in thinking your daughter will have many opportunities here. But your dh has to fit into this plan too right?

    So what are his reservations about staying in U.S.? Is there a reason he wants to go back to India? Try to find this out. If you can understand his concerns and where his decision is coming from, you will be in a better place to reason with him. Is he having job issues, family issues, just missing India? If you figure out the root of the problem you can begin to find the solution. When you talk, think of yourself and him as a team instead of rivals butting heads. You have concerns about your daughter's future, have you told these to your dh? What did he say?

    If in the end your dh 100% does not want to stay here, and you are not willing to leave, maybe you might consider living apart for a few years and making frequent trips to india and vice versa to see each other. This is obviously the last option, but that's also something to think about.

    First option though is finding out your hubby's concerns and working with him to reach a compromise where BOTH of you are pleased. You are an accounting student, so I know you are one smart lady! Definitely you will be able to work through this problem! Try that, see what happens, and let us know how it turns out! Good luck! :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2009
  3. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    dear lavanya,
    nice name.
    well,regarding ur problem i suggest u sit with ur dh & discuss things without getting heated up .before hand both of u should agree not to get angry & hear each other coolly & calmly.
    with recession in Indian economy its not easy to find job specially so for the NRIs.so,i suggest u ask ur dh to 1st find job & then only take final decision.
    well, i would not suggest staying away from ur dh just for sake of having good community .u can easily have a good social circle anywhere u go.
    regarding ur dd education,so u concerns r genuine.education in india is difficult & there is prob of reservation but then u can always send ur dd for higher education any where in world u want to.
    dear lavanya,just because ur dh is not complying to ur wish of staying ,u should not doubt his love.also,he had before hand told u about his decision to go back.he may aslo be doubting ur love & wondering whether u love him or ur life here....
    it takes real guts to take hard decisions like this & ur dh must have some valid reasons(maybe its his parents).

    in the end trust God.
    Pragati
     
  4. lavanya_28

    lavanya_28 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for giving me advice on this issue.
    He does not have any problems with his job or anything like that. Infact he is a Ph.D and is a professor in a University here. AND this year he is going for his tenure and i am sure by God's grace he will be a tenured professor. We are leading a very satisfied life here with no problems with respect to job or money.
    My DH has actually found a job in Chennai.We have also discussed about the reason for his going back to India. He told me that he wants to go back since he wants to stay with his mother. His mother now stays with his elder brother and family but he also wants to take up responsibility and be there for his mother. Another reason he wants to go back to India is he does not want his daughter to marry an American after she grows up which i feel is a very silly reason to go back to India. I feel by proper upbringing, kids of today can definitely make a good decision about their life when they grow up.
    I realize that he has mentioned this to me but there can be a compromise situation so that both of us are happy. I feel both of us are being stubborn on our decisions and we do not want to go for a compromise. Another thing for me, please do not mind....I have been born and brought up in Hyderabad and i frankly do not like Chennai. This is another reason why i do not want to go back to India. I had mentioned to him that i am willing to go back to any place apart from Chennai. This was told to him even before our wedding. But now he wants to go back to Chennai which is making me even more angry. I did tell him that we can go back to some place close to India like Singapore and then slowly move back to India.
    But he does not agree to that also.
    I really do not know how i should convince him about this issue.
    Please tell me how i should convince him on staying for a couple of more years.
    Thanks!
    Lavanya
     
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Lavanya,

    Thanks for answering the questions, I think now there is better insight into your problem.

    First off, both of you and your dh have valid points. He is right for wanting to care for his mother, you are right for wanting to care for your dd's future.

    It is hard for any of us reading to give you perfect suggestion because only you know what points you are willing to compromise. Is it possible for your mil to get a visit visa and come here for part of the year? That way you dh would be able to care for his mother and you would get to stay in U.S. If that one requirment of his was met, would he be willing to compromise then?

    About your dh's fears that your daughter will marry an American, I would try gently explaining to him that India or U.S. she could still end up marrying someone not of his choice. She is a U.S. citizen right? Definitely at some point in her life she might be interested in coming here to study or work or visit, even then she could meet an American and marry him. And you know, lots of Indians here still let their parents help them find spouses, so just because she grows up here doesn't mean she will lose that respect for parents. Just my opinion.

    I hope you and your dh are able to reach a middle ground. Maybe some other ladies can come up with some more helpful tips...
     
  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    How is your relationship with your MIL? Do you and/or your husband sometimes discuss issues with her or take her advice? Does she have some say in decisions you and your husband take? If that is the case, maybe you can try to get her on your side. Explain to her the pros of living in the U.S. for your husband and your kid(s). Tell her how big a deal a tenure is and how many exciting opportunities exist here in academics. Is your husband moving to an academic job in Chennai? Or is he moving to industry? If so, is this move by his choice? Maybe you can explain to her how savings are more in the U.S. (if that is the case for you guys). How schooling and later college for your child are, generally speaking, more accessible and a bit less competitive here. If you take this approach, you may want to make sure your husband is not totally against this and don't do it behind his back. Also, there is no need to mention how you benefit from staying in the U.S. I personally, wouldn't involve others in such a decision, but if she does have a say in some issues, then no harm in including her in this.

    If all else fails, and your husband sticks to his position of "I told you right from the beginning that we will return to India", then, you may have to calmly but firmly stick to your position of "Any city is fine as long as not Chennai". No drama, no tears, no arguments. Just a calm statement and restatement of your position. No need to keep stating your reasons if you already have. And no need to let it effect your other day to day life. Continue that as much as possible normally and as happily as usual.

    Are there any issues on which you both had a tacit agreement at the beginning, but since then you have changed your minds and acted differently due to changed cirucmstances? You could try using those as an example of how something you agreed to 5 years back might not be 100% valid now.

    Just like he has gone ahead and done his Chennai job search inspite of knowing you are against the idea, and specifically, against settling in Chennai, you also go ahead with your life as if you are staying here for good. Apply for jobs and whatever you would be doing if this returning to India issue had not come up. Seeing you serious and calm about your position, he might start seeing your point of view.

    The most important thing would be to avoid arguments, emotional statements and losing control (this is my most common mistake, and I have screwed up many an important issue due to this). Keep the discussions calm, do not bring in unrelated factors, do not be shy about giving equal importance to your dreams, opinions and ambitions (job, kid's education) as his dreams, opinions, ambitions (taking care of and staying with mother).

    Would his family benefit from financial help that you people will be able to provide if you continue to stay in the U.S. rather than move there? Does his brother's family benefit by your MIL staying with them, and so she may not want to live with you husband and you?

    I have put so many questions above, not all need an answer here or at all, they are more like food for thought as you build your case.

    Rihana
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2009
  7. lavanya_28

    lavanya_28 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for all your suggestions and advice. I really appreciate your help. There have been a number of points that you have raised. I will definitely think about it and talk to him about it and let's see what happens.
    But would love others to also give me your suggestions and advice in this regard.
    Thanks!
    Lavanya
     
  8. infinitehopes

    infinitehopes Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Lavanya,
    I am not speaking from personal experience but based on some of my friends who have returned for good when their kids grew upto a certain age. I myself was in US for good duration but was not married & so not in family way.

    I feel try to get deeper into his concerns of not raising his daughter in US. I just feel that his apprehension that 'he doesn't want her to marry an American' is quite superficial and the real fact is still not out.

    I have heard of lot of cases where parents brought their kids to India and enrolled them in Indian schools because the kids landed in lot of problems like drugs, uncontrolled behaviour. These are real problems and hence lot of my friends voluntarily returned to settle in India and feel comfortable of the fact that due to their kids US citizenship, they will be able to send them back when they are matured to understand the difference between the good and the bad.

    So even if education is really great in US, ask yourself if you are really prepared to let your kid grow the American way i.e. dating in early teens, engaging in multiple sexual relationships and so on.. these are hard questions. You may restrict your kids by imposing lot of rules, but then I have a few friends who are - what they call as - ABCD. Its very tough on them and they land up belonging nowhere.

    So I think you need to first look at long term implications of letting your daughter grow in US and then understand if your husband has similar fears.

    I am not commenting on other aspects of moving back to India yet - like Chennai or not Chennai - because I feel a city is something you have to adjust to. Who knows - now after 4 years - Hyd and Chennai are alike !

    Just my two cents..
     
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Lavanya,
    Moving back to India is a huge step. A LOT has changed in India and if you are moving back for the wrong reasons then you'll end up regretting it. I think your lil one marrying an American is not the right reason. She will have ample opportunites to marry anyone she chooses even if you moved to India. Regarding taking care of your MIL, I agree it is a valid point. Does it have to be this year? You are just finishing up your masters and your lil one is so young. You can definitely wait for a few more yrs. In this recession, you won't be able to find employment quickly here and you may be at an advantage if you work in the US and gain atleast some experience.
    I moved back last yr. My daughter is 7 and she adjusted fine. So if your husband feels the kid has to be young to adjust, tell him that a few more yrs won't hurt.
    I'm staying home now but I did everything I wanted to do in the US(work, study etc), so I have no regrets. If you have apprehensions, I'm not sure things will work in your favour if you do move - maybe you can tell him that.
    As others suggested, talk it out with your DH calmly. Try telling him that you really want some international experience and exposure and maybe he will listen.
    Btw, education/lifestyle/community were my biggest concerns when I moved but so far things have been good. Things have changed here schooling wise - kids are definitely not taxed the way we were and the school DD is enrolled in follows the US style of teaching(again I'm told it differs from school to school). For higher education, you can always send her back to the US(of course she will have to convince her Dad for it).
    Regarding Chennai, believe me we had the whole here- Chennai tussle when we moved so I know what you are going thru. DH is a consultant and travels out of the country a lot and since I am brought up here and have a support system DH relented, and it worked well. He went back a week after we landed and I had all the independence, thanks to being in my hometown. So maybe you can talk with the familiarity/support angle.
    Poor DH, even now misses Chennai but he says better here than outside. As a truce,I've promised to spend every christmas break in Chennai with him, maybe you can try that!

    Whatever you decide, good luck.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2009
  10. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    I beg leave to disagree. The same "support system" will also be available in the spouse's hometown, and familiarity is only a matter of a few months.

    In the interest of fairness and marital harmony, it is best if the spouses BOTH decided to settle down in a third city, rather than in either home town. This means that if the OP (Lavanya) is unwilling to settle down in Chennai, then that she should not insist on settling down in Hyderabad either. Why should her husband give in and settle down where she wants if she doesn't want to be as considerate of him and his desires? This will only cause resentment in her husband, even if he doesn't say so openly. Instead, she should be willing to compromise by avoiding BOTH Chennai and Hyderabad, and settling down, instead, in a third city, say Pune or Bangalore etc. What's sauce for a goose is sauce for a gander, after all.


    How can people from Chennai "not mind" when you speak so derogatorily about their hometown? I am a Chennai-ite and I REALLY & TRULY do not see what is so repulsive about my city. Explain this to me, please. Please put yourself in his shoes. Would you be able to tolerate others, including your husband, talking badly about Hyderabad? Won't you feel hurt? Also, please remember that this board has members from every city in India, probably even the world, so some sensitivity and tact will go a long way. If you show this revulsion to your DH openly, it WILL hurt him. So, please be sensitive and diplomatic when raising this issue with him and when writing about any city here.

    To me, Chennai rocks. But that doesn't mean that I will put down Hyderabad or Bangalore or any other place because to each, his or her own. A hometown is a hometown, after all - whether it is your husband's or yours.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2009

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