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Difference Between Bahu And Daughter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by InterestBlog, Jun 9, 2017.

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  1. Jun 9, 2017 #1
    InterestBlog

    InterestBlog Bronze IL'ite

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    It has been 18yrs to my marriage and so our relation have seen many ups and downs and gone through many hard and soft situations.

    In 18yrs, I have been to my inlaws place a billion times and has always taken over the kitchen as soon as I land there and that was very well expected also always!

    There had been times when, helper was available and many times, it was only me.

    Even after having kids, whether young or a bit grown up, it was me taking care of kitchen when I was there.

    My kids are still young, almost in teens now.

    A month back or so, my sister-in-law was not keeping well, (brother-in-law's wife). To take care of her, came in my sister-in-law (husband's sister).

    It was highly appreciated as Nanad came to help Bhabhi, its a rare case scenario.

    In general it's only Bahu of the house, whose family can survive without her, even her young Kids are never that young that she can skip any duties at inlaws place. ( Though her Kids in teen are still very young and need her 24x7, if any emergencies arise at her mother's place)

    So, my Nanad was taking care of Bhabhi and one week after her, my husband went to meet my Bhabhi.

    The day he reached, he told, situation here is not good. Bhabhi is not in good shape and she is literally helpless and nearly bed ridden. She can walk and all but she cannot do any work.

    That was the first day and after the first day...he explained me the situation again but the words changed a bit. They way to explain things where little different and condition was told as it got worse.

    It goes as,

    Bhabhi is not well.
    You know everything Palak (name changed, foreseeing the peace at home) has to do. Bhabhi can't cook. Breakfast to dinner, all is taken care by Palak.

    It was more of Palak emphasizing the work she was doing then only my hubby saying it. Everytime she entered kitchen, the news was shared with everyone. "Chalu ab mein khaana banaon, Okay! I will prepare tea now ... blah blah"

    First 2-3 days, I replied Hmm... ,okayyy, achcha!

    But 4th day , I lost it and said...
    That is what I do everyday. :) (My words choice was actually, "That is what I am expected to do everytime, every day, whenever I am at inlaws place ;) , but I kept it light :) )

    From morning to night, breakfast to dinner, I do it without a helper and I have kids who are almost in there teens. So I need to cook a little extra :)

    And with all adults in that house and a patient so nothing fancy has to be cooked. Just a normal daily food. Whats so hard in it?

    What so different is she doing? And she has a helper available 24x7, I don't!

    My hubby realized and said..

    It has been decades seeing Bhabhi and you working while Palak sits and chit chat. So I found it little strange to see Bhabhi sitting and talking while Palak is cooking in kitchen.

    Its always expected from Bahu to work and Daughter to sit as she comes from her sasural or her nuclear family, where she has to work a lot.

    Bahu are the same! They work a lot at inlaws place and even if they are from nuclear family..its only them working there too.

    Funny to know, after going through school and colleges, even working in MNC's or other place the mindset towards Daughter-in-law and Daughter didn't change.
     
    InterestBlog, Jun 9, 2017
    InterestBlog, Jun 9, 2017
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  2. Jun 10, 2017 #2
    Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    very true ! Education has nothing to do with the way people behave with their DIL. Somehow the same old mentality still exists.
     
    Sandycandy, Jun 10, 2017
    Sandycandy, Jun 10, 2017
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  3. Jun 10, 2017 #3
    InterestBlog

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    True!
     
    InterestBlog, Jun 10, 2017
    InterestBlog, Jun 10, 2017
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  4. Jun 10, 2017 #4
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If a woman lives with in-laws in a joint family, it is often difficult to get everyone to share the household chores and she ends up doing most of the them. Can take her years before she changes old habits and mindset in the household. But, if a woman is not living with in-laws, and only visiting, there are some ways to avoid having to shoulder the entire kitchen work. And, the consequences if she does not meet the expectations, are not so dire.

    In the first year or so of married life, maybe woman won't have so much confidence in herself or bond with husband. After that, some prep work can be done before visits, on husband and others so they have realistic expectations.

    And what example are the visits to your in-laws' place setting to the kids?

    Throughout the narrative, there is no mention of the men helping in the kitchen or with related tasks. Not even an observation that they don't help.

    Agreed that the older in-laws expect the bahu to drop everything and go to their place when needed. What about the younger man and woman, why do they follow the old expectations? Both the man and the woman have their own reasons.

    Palak did something against the norms and got praise for it. Smart girl. Bahu keeps performing the age-old duties with zero praise.

    Even though the daughter Palak is in the kitchen, and bahu is unwell, not much has changed if you look at it. Still only the bahu and daughter are expected to do the kitchen work. "Decades seeing Bhabhi and you working while Palak sits and chit chat" This needs change. Not with beti or Palak joining the kitchen, but, with men leaving the chit chat and helping in the kitchen so all can chit chat after work is done.

    True. Women go through school, college, work in MNC's, manage people and huge projects at work, but cannot get a more fair share of household chores.

    Maybe the bahu's are smart after all - they understand that not living with in-laws is a huge advantage. And having to (wo)man the kitchen when visiting in-laws a small compromise.

    My point is that if the older generation has unfair expectations of the visiting bahu doing all the kitchen work from morning to evening, the bahu also contributes to the unfairness by meeting those expectations.
     
    Rihana, Jun 10, 2017
    Rihana, Jun 10, 2017
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  5. Jun 10, 2017 #5
    LakshmiKMBhat

    LakshmiKMBhat Gold IL'ite

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    Many years ago, my husband's aunt who was then in her eighties told us a truth of life whatever anyone says, a daughter is always a daughter and daughter-in-law always a daughter-in-law. A daughter-in-law very rarely becomes a daughter.
     
    LakshmiKMBhat, Jun 10, 2017
    LakshmiKMBhat, Jun 10, 2017
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  6. Jun 13, 2017 #6
    InterestBlog

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    :) :) :)

    We are not able to fight the equality among women and you are talking about a totally different level :)

    This though is a good point of discussion and I feel somewhere parents are responsible for it. Mother's may say that yes his father don't help in household chores but they forget to teach their boys to help in the same, result is, its always expected from girls to work at home .
     
    InterestBlog, Jun 13, 2017
    InterestBlog, Jun 13, 2017
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  7. Jun 14, 2017 #7
    DDream

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    Will one be able to love someone else daughter like their own daughter. I doubt.
    Will one be able to love someone else mother like one's own mother. Most likely no. ( may be some exceptions exist). For MIL, DIL is like a daughter, but not her own child. Same way DIL, will never consider MIL, as her own mother. She will be always MIL.

    So it is better to maintain a safe distance relationship without showing the freedom one express infront of one's own mother. Don't expect anything from MIL, that will save lot of head aches. Also be what you are.

    MIL will always be MIL, a DIL will always be DIL.
     
    DDream, Jun 14, 2017
    DDream, Jun 14, 2017
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  8. Jun 15, 2017 #8
    InterestBlog

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    In the whole incident discussed, there is no MIL and DIL :) , Its about SIL(s) :) :)
     
    InterestBlog, Jun 15, 2017
    InterestBlog, Jun 15, 2017
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  9. Jun 15, 2017 #9
    DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    hahaha.. I agree.. I added MIL :) as a bonus
    Daughter-in-law is always DIL and daughter is always daughter. That's the point.
    ILS take DIL for granted (mostly). She is expected to play the role of Sathi Savithri and sarvam saha , super woman & what not. Normal human feelings like tiredness etc are not expected. Those things are only for daughter.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2017
    DDream, Jun 15, 2017
    DDream, Jun 15, 2017
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  10. Jun 15, 2017 #10
    sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    :smile:On the light note Sister in laws cannot be sisters is what we can add again, may be like sisters but not ur sister
     
    sindmani, Jun 15, 2017
    sindmani, Jun 15, 2017
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