DH's words: I hate A to Y of everything that you do!

Headspin,
Looks like his words didn't jump out of the blue. Were you having some kind of heated argument at the time ..or some fights? May be his words would have come out of frustration. so don't get emotional.

When you say 40-50% is your fault, I think you both need to have an open conversation when all is calm after a couple of days. Instead of pondering on your H's statement, try resolving the root causes. What is it you both do to irritate each other? What has happened in the past 6 months that has aggravated the issue? Can these issues be resolved amicably? Try reaching a middle ground if possible and work on temper management.

 

Dear ,

It hurts to listen those words from DH, but some times it happens !! Just as a vent out for them,not they mean in real sense.Also make clear about the issues that making life worse and work out to solve it.Things will go good.
Some times my DH also told like my hate the job you did, that doesnt mean that they hate us, he loves me lot n that is the way he prefers to express his dislike over the things.And it goes that way !

Now a days , I wont even take those words seriously,but I really mean his dislike over that particular behavoir.
I will openly confess my mistake and will swear to do much better .

May be you do also have the same situation.

All the best.

 

dear...dont take the words to your heart....sometimes men just speak a lots of words in anger or frustation.. but they really dont mean that... i knw you must have tried your best since past many months to get everything normal.... but just try and find... if its you or something else he is frustrated with (like work in office, boss or any other issue)... just observe his moods... try to find the best time to talk to him... and start the converstaion indirectly...until he opens up....
dont ask him anything directly.... i always begin conversations asking how was his day.. what
did he do and all.... and then slowly just slide the topic away to how was your day.. and wat did you do... if your day was bad... see how well he responds to you.. if he reacts good to you when your day was bad... then slowly use your girl power.. drop him a few tears... and tell him you are sorry for whatever oyu did (even if its not your fault)... then if he behaves still good with you.. then just go out for a walk and all so that you guys are fresh and when you came back home... you will be in good mood....and can start new.... i have learnt this from my friend... tried many times.... and succeeded as well (apart from when it about MIL)

good luck dear... and let us know...:thumbsup

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I like the poster's response, 'use your girl power'. It does works with most, men. The funny part is I can't cry and good at making others cry!!

You need to have an open talk with your DH and ask him, 'what sort of change, does he has in mind' and what made him to think like that recently? Pls, don't let it go for too long.

 

Dear OP....As other posters have said, he might have not meant what he said in frustration and anger...!!! It happens with all of us right, we tend to say things which we dont mean, just to hurt the other person at that point...!!! Maybe there are a few things which are affecting your relationship and he wants you to change..!!!

It is better to have a one to one talk with him, when he is cool and express what you feel...!!! Assuming things will not help, better to be upfront and try to resolve it..!!! Tell him that you are aware of your flaws and are working on rectifying them..!!!

Hope this helps...

Good luck and God bless...!!!

 

dear Headspin,

Please dont delve too much into what your husband said. Being happily married for "donkey's years", I can share how a successful marriage progresses over the years [especially love marriages]:

Year 1 - Year 3 : You are star struck. You do things to impress your partner. Everything that he does or says has an impact on you. You fish for compliments and want to be appreciated for even an "omelette" that you make for him in the morning !!

When you have a fight with him, you analyse everything that he has said. You try to give meaning to each nonsensical utterance of his which he might have just blurted in a fit of rage. While you want to reform him - he resists all change bcoz he wants to be his own man !! Ego from both sides is huge and prevents an early patch up. You wonder how you are going to spend the rest of your life with such an MCP and if you have made the right choice !!

Year 4 - Year 8 : Kids have now arrived on the scene. You have less time for each other. While you are pulling your hair out in keeping up with the kids and their demands, you feel that your hubby is having all the fun. In this phase, he dare not forget your birthday or anniversary lest you feel that he is showing his "interests" somewhere else. He also dare not get too "comfy" with female colleagues or friends bcoz you would be watching his every move with an "eagle eye".

Fights in this stage are fights amongst "equals". He says something and he can be sure he will get it back in equal measure [or more !]. After each fight, you sulk and later make amends for the sake of kids. The one who sulks longer is the dominating one! Ego does not come in the way as much and you are ready to resolve issues faster.

Year 9 - Year 15 : By this stage, you have more or less settled down. You have accepted what God has chosen for you and so want to make the best out of it !! You no longer want to change the other person but want to change yourself. You are now in the comfort zone. Both of you have mellowed and are "mature". You suddenly begin to understand each other much more and begin to see the positives in your husband which you had earlier ignored ! You are now sure that you have made the right choice.

Ego is almost on the way out. You are not shy of saying "sorry" after an argument and dont want to repeat your mistakes. In an argument, you try to ignore the rude things said. You are not mad if he remembers your birthday 2 days later bcoz you know his work pressure has "increased" and his memory has marginally "decreased" !!

Year 15 onwards - This is the best phase. You know each other like the back of your hand. You wonder how you could have lived without him !! You are more like buddies. You understand each other without saying much - telepathy is no longer an alien term. However, you are not afraid to speak your mind because you know that your partner will not be offended.

You no longer feel insecure when you see him in the company of ladies. Instead, you secretly gloat over the fact that you are the best that he could have ever got !! Also, you are confident that there wont be many takers for an aging [above 40] gentleman, with greying hair and teenage kids!! You are also proud of the fact that he now knows his priorities [wife n kids] and would not be impressed by a "20 something" fluttering her long false eyelashes !! Your man is safe from now on.

Fights are occasional and are more like "mature conversations" where you just choose to disagree rather than insult the other person. Surprisingly, you seem to agree on most things. Ego is a thing of the past.


And life is bliss as both of you walk hand-in-hand towards the sunset years strongly believing in "till death do us part" !!

love,
kylie

 

:iagree

Someone please let me know how I can nominate this post.

 

Thank you eandian. I am glad you liked it.

After having gone through it all, this was my way of assuring other newly married ILites that what they are experiencing is not unique. One fine day they too will look back in amusement at those initial years !!

love,
kylie

 

Kylie,

your post is very good and seems to be more realistic. Nice one.