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dh's rules and conditions for going on a vacation

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jhalli27, May 30, 2010.

  1. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    hi friends.

    dh and i have been married for 2 yrs. got a 7 month baby. this yr end, we are planning to take a vacation. mostly international as we havent been anywhere post marriage. now, dh has a few rules/conditions. they are:

    1. he is gonna drink everyday while on vacation.
    2. he will not smoke provided i loose weight.


    am just shocked and irritated at both of these. abt #1, dh drinks every saturday night. he is very clear that 'vacation means doing what one likes'. accepted. so he is going to drink everyday while on vacation. no compromises. im not happy/ok with this. abt #2, dh used to smoke when we met 5 yrs back. he quit then, but has an ocassional puff on saturdays while drinking, and everytime he is 'tensed/stressed'... im not aware how often that is... when i asked him not to smoke on the vacation, he said 'if u loose your weight, i will not smoke'... i agree im fat. but not obese. i told him i will try my best. but he is very clear - i loose 5 kgs in next 5 months, and he will not smoke. but considering that we going in a group, its impossible that he will keep his word.

    im quite bugged with both the above issues. and frankly loosing interes in the idea of vacation. but dont wanna miss this chance too. im really not sure if i can handle him drinking everyday on vacation...

    pls suggest what i should do...
     
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  2. lalli30

    lalli30 Senior IL'ite

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    now you set up your OWN conditions... that you won t go on vacation til he stops this backwass!!!:thumbsup
     
  3. Prettina

    Prettina Gold IL'ite

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    hi jhalli

    your dh thinks that vacation has no restriction then you too tell him something that irritates him..
    i mean your no restiction cases..

    like you(dh) have to look after the baby whole day and attain all its needs..i will take rest..hehehhe

    and some other things that your dh thinks that you have to do it..
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2010
  4. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Jhalli,

    Regarding the 'weight-smoke' combo,
    it is a win-win bet, Jhalli.. don't you think?
    Just 5kgs in 5 months, take it positively.. take it as a challenge
    and shed the excess weight. And seeing your determination,
    he might get impressed and would keep up his promise too.

    And you will be all trim and fit for the vacation. :thumbsup
    (on a lighter note,
    he may need no smoke as a stress buster
    when a 'smoking hot you' is nearer. :wink:)

    IMO, Instead of stressing yourself on analysing the rules,
    you may find a middle ground wisely and
    Enjoy your vacation. :)
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2010
  5. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Jhalli,

    Regarding the alcohol issue,

    Questions:
    1. How many days is the vacation?
    2. How much does he say he would drink every day?

    Since you say he drinks once a week regularly, I am assuming that you are not dead against drinking like some ladies.. Sorry if I am wrong.
    So I think, you are not thinking of putting a total ban on alcohols during vacation either.

    Based on that assumption, my suggestions would be:

    if it is not too long a vacation,
    - you both may come to an agreeable limit on the daily consumption
    (I have no idea how much of a health hazard it could be with daily intake though.. check that out)

    - if there is a less alcoholic drink he might like, you may suggest that as an alternate every other day..

    Happy Vacationing! :thumbsup
     
  6. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    thank u all for responses.

    im ok to losing weight. accepted. but if im not able to - then what??? i cant take the tension and go through the next 5 months.


    its a 6 night vacation. yes, im not against his drinking every weekend. but vacation is a time for both of us to bond and chance to understand each other. especially considering the fact that we had a baby immediately post marriage and we are staying with his folks. i just dont want his drinking to mar/miss any chance of us being plesant. even if he is not drunk, he will be high. and i have a feeling that anything a man says after drinking - is totally true or false. meaning - it comes from within their heart. in previous ocassions after drinks i have exerienced extremes of good and bad - times when he has been really sweet and loving. and times where we fought like mad and he abused me physically and verbally. now i dunno what comes out - truth or false. bottom line is if he is lovey-dovey - i WILL NOT believe a word of it. and if he fights - i wont be able to take it. \

    moreover, like he is clear that he is going to drink everyday no matter what, even i wanna be clear that im NOT OK with daily drinking. im ok if he drinks 4 out of 6 nights... i dont want him to go there with hopes that i'll be totally submissive.

    im so upset that i have to fight with him to get his time on a vacation! after all we are going on a vacation only because we can be together alone and spend time with each other. whats the purpose of spending so much money when we will still end up fighting.. ???
     
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Jhalli, your total concern is very valid.
    Instead of 5 kg, reduce it to some weight that you are comfortable with shedding within that period and tell him you can target for that weight in lieu of his smoking.
    He may be imposting that funny 'rule' as an indirect motivation - let us give him the benefit of doubt there. ;) Or may be he is certain that you will not take the bet so he can get to his smoking..if that is so, prove him wrong.

    I understand your feelings. Have you ever brought this up to him before? If you think drinking would come between you guys, you should talk to him about it. Tell him why you dislike his drunken state. Explain how words hurt you when he is careless in its usage in the pretext of being drunk.
    Explain him how you are not able to trust his sweet words too because of that.

    But let it not be a fight. Let it be a 'finding the solution' talk not a word war.

    There! That is what I told you in my previous post, "Find a middleground".
    Did you tell him that you are willing to compromise for 4 nights? How did it go?

    Do not see it as being submissive. Just look at it as 'arriving at a solution'. From your that word 'submissive' I wonder if you both have taken this as an ego issue..

    For you agreeing for 6 days is like going submissive.
    For him, agreeing to anything less than 6 days is a blow to his prestige/ego.

    Make sure you guys do not go into a deadlock..
    Also see if suggesting an alternate less intoxicating drink (if there is one) every other day works.

    Exactly! So amiably work on a compromise between the two of you. Also make sure you do not lose your together time/closeness for the full FIVE MONTHS leading upto the vacation for that supposedly happy 'SIX DAY' stay.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2010
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Try with the following:
    For every drink of his you shall take in twice... and then he shall be responsible for whatever happens to the baby... let it be a vacation for all...
    You'll be ordering only soups and salads on the vacation :crazy for the family....
     
  9. raha256

    raha256 Bronze IL'ite

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    hahaha. :rotflshilpama excellent idea. :rotfl:rotfl
     
  10. SriAnnapurna

    SriAnnapurna New IL'ite

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    Jhalli, I can completely relate to you as my DH drinks during weekends (2-3 pegs) and smokes when stressed (He used to smoke 3 per day before marriage, now he says its 3 per month).

    This is what I do:

    Drinking - I don't care much about it, as long as he is sane and knows how much he's drinking. My DH knows I always keep an eye on him and he will have to bear my brunt if we crosses the 3rd peg mark. tskWe both have gone on an international vacations too, let him have those light beers or those Rum based drinks. They are not very alcoholic and are mixed with other fruit juices, so even if he has a lot of those - it should be fine.

    Smoking - My DH & I have had hundreds of fights on this issue as I completely hate smoking. DH now smokes only when he occasionally craves or has to stay awake during a long drive or has to relieve stress. After those recurring fights, I taught myself to think in his shoes and if I feel he is completely going crazy I let him smoke. (He keeps coming back and says .. please please , sometimes I get so pissed I say.. "Sure, go burn your lungs out. Don't even ask me about it" and sometimes when someone asks about him I say.. "He's out burning his lungs" and I don't talk to him for some time until my anger goes down)

    If its craving, I wouldn't worry about it. Sometimes you just have to let go. If its a daily thing - I would suggest you both talk about it. As its just a week long vacation, just chill and let him enjoy. If you give him the freedom to do what he likes, he's going to respect you for it. Always remember, nobody's perfect! Just my 2-cents! Have fun at your vacation! :thumbsup

    Regards,
    Annie.
     

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