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Dh's Empty Threats - What To Do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Mar 4, 2022.

  1. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    DH has gone for a business trip.
    He said yesterday, he will call to talk to the kids tomorrow evening (without giving me any specific time).
    He called today after office, but I was busy doing groceries and asked him if he could call later in a few minutes as I am buying milk and stuff.
    It took a while, kids were hungry, so I texted him and had the following conversation:

    Me: Will call you after dinner around 9 pm?
    DH: No.. either call now or we can talk tomorrow
    Me: I still have to reach home . I am leaving the store in few mins
    DH: You told me few mins.. you didn’t tell me you went to that store
    DH: I am sitting here waiting like an idiot
    DH: We’ll talk when I come home
    Me: Ok
    DH: You continue to play games and I’ll show you where I can get you back
    DH: Don’t forget that
    Me: 1. You're threatening me
    Me: 2. You're accusing me
    Me: 3. You're doing this for a really small thing

    He hasn't responded and after he said 'I’ll show you' my anxiety has increased, I'm feeling uneasy, feels like my heart rate has increased (I swear, I am not being dramatic).
    I know it is an empty threat , he won't physically abuse me, but a big possibility of he giving me a silent treatment after he gets back and then telling the kids that because of their mother he couldn't talk to them.
    What can I do about the whole situation especially my heart beat/increased anxiety.
     
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  2. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    That's not appropriate behavior. Flaring the kids against mom for a small thing.

    Just ignore him. Be cool.
     
  3. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    How my dear, how can I do that? It is impossible for me to suppress my fear/stress/anxiety... what should i do to keep my heart beats normal and be able to ignore him.
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Can you see a counselor to get some coping strategies and exercises? You can also get some tips on how to buffer your children from the situation. Kids are smarter and observe more than we give them credit for. Try to remain calm even if your husband tries to provoke you. If he badmouths you while you remain levelheaded you’ve already blunted a lot of his ammunition.
    If he is generally rigid about things then insist on a set time for calls when he’s traveling. He can’t expect you to simply set your work aside and hang around the phone. This way he has his fixed time and doesn’t get to complain that you’re blocking access to the kids.
    I don’t know if you want to go this route but there are co-parenting apps for separated people to exchange information without having to directly call or text. If it will remove conflict from your communication it might be worth looking into.
     
  5. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Usually what does he do
    Does he yell?
    Use bad language?
     
  6. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, he yells. He gives silent treatment and talks in a yelling way. He may use bad words.
    For instance, If the root cause is something like he is not able to find his cap, although he would know i didn't take it, he will still yell at me and kids, throw things down from the place where usually caps are kept.

    He would breathe heavily when he knows i could see him. He may make some angry faces...
    Although he wont get physical, It is scary and all i want is to run away from him forever. But instead i put a an act of being a strong woman and try to stay away from him.
     
  7. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Snehal,

    I am sorry you are going through this.

    Avoid being vague in anything. For instance: somewhere, sometime, i am not sure. Always set proper time or mention the correct place for anything.

    He giving the silent treatment is one of the best things. People like him use silent treatments because they think you will crumble if you dont talk to him. For a change, enjoy your "me time". Dont give him the power to drive you sad or unhappy. If he gives you the silent treatment, then go about doing your work in a calm manner. Listen to songs, watch some comedies. Show him that you can be happy even if he doesnt talk to you.

    Trust me it irritates them more to see you happy when they are inflicting their "punishments" on you. They will end up talking to you or even picking up a fight you ut would not remain silent for long.

    Earlier, when my husband used to stop talking, i used to feel sad and cried a lot. Later i realised that he enjoyed seeing me feel bad and sad. eventuatlly, i made peace with the fact that he being in a crappy mood is not my responsibility and started being myself.

    Have a normal talk with kids. If he tells the kids that he couldnt talk to them coz of you, then calmly apologise to the kids that you were away grocery shopping because you didnt know the time he would call. Next time, i will ensure dad fixes a time for you guys so you can have a chat with him.

    Don't try explaining any of the above to your husband. It will fall on deaf ears. Kids understand better. Unfortunately some parents involve kids in anger so the best way is to be honest and calm with them. Kids are smarter and they will understand things better than we think they can.

    My hugs to you snehal. I know that fear first hand. Not that they would harm us physically but they will make us take a roller coaster ride emotionally.

    Please understand that its all a game they play. Stop thinking that you his subordinate.

    I used this trick to calm myself. it took me a best part of an year to be strong but start trying please.

    I sat down one day and thought 'what is the worst thing he can do?' He can say he will divorce and leave me or take away the kids from me. So i made a plan. A plan where I chartered out the course of actions in both the scenarios. If he divorces me, then i will do this, this and this. What if he takes kids away from me? I googled and found a lady lawyer. I made an appointment and had a long conversation with her regarding ways we can fight my husband if he takes my kids away.

    1 threat which he used for a long time on me was 'i will call your side of relatives and tlak about how badly you are behaving'. I used to shiver in fright when i thought of that. Later i told to myself. I was living my life earning my salary and taking care of my family. Say he does call them up, then what? They would probably discuss about me for a few years. A few of them might talk to me and some would probably consider cutting their ties with me. So what? Was this an end of the world for me? No. Just another issue. I learnt to let go of those things which were out of my control.

    I could control only myself and my emotions. So i learnt to protect myself from his emotional abuse and emotional threats.

    Take some time out and think what is it that you are most afraid of him doing and chart an plan to counter it. Make a realistic plan. I went to the extent of talking to a new house owner for renting his place and a lawyer. All of this was just to asure that my life would still be ok and not fall apart just coz my husband was not with me.
     
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  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    He is trying to control you.
    You give him the silent treatment.
    If he is throwing all stuff down, you don't fix the mess. Leave it till he cleans it.
    Putting an act of strong woman is good.
    It will make you stronger.
     
  9. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    It’s v scary when husband say this. But you are true to your self I think you should not get effected from what he said. U just need to talk to him and make him understand !
     
  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: Dear OP,
    I would suggest that in his presence when he doesn’t yell, hum away some hit songs. It could be his favourites & yours.
    Don’t take it to heart. With passage of time he would be different and you would be glad to have him as your DH.
    GOD BLESS.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2022

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