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Dh punishing me for what?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by icyspicy, Jan 16, 2010.

  1. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    Since all these days my dh is not wanting to have intimacy with me exept in weekends.He says time and work pressure is the reason ,also blames me for fighting with him for it.It ubearable for me to tolerate for a longtime ,i get frustrated.I tried talking to him but he says im fighting with him then i also get angry.We have had so many arguments jst for this.He never responds when i ask him y he is doing it.He just replies give sum time everything will be alright.Im falling in depression,im feeling irritable realising tht my dh does not understand my feelings.I am doing everything he says in cooking & cleaning i have compramised for him & his mom wishes.
    I dont know y he is avoiding he was not like this before,He is taking these new colestrol tablets tht his mom sent from india,i told him tht he can reduce his colestrol by exerciseing but he wont listen ,he says he will continue to have those tablets at any cost i told he atleast to do recheckup here so tht he gets assured tht he can use these tablets.In theirfamily his dad is so dependent on pills thtone breeze of air will make him sneeze and he will have crocin tht instant,I dont want my husband falling in tht trap,he is already complaining everyday of muscle pain and not strong like other men.His mom expects me to look after him like an infant.
    I thout my husband will be strong and support me when i need him,this didnt happen infact i feel i am the man over here he is the lady.Im feeling pressurized i dont know how to go abt this without puttingmy self in depression .Should go to my dh whever he calls ,what when i need him for intimacy then he dosent come,should i bend even in this?
     
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  2. Menku

    Menku Junior IL'ite

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    Hi Icy,

    Reading from ur previous posts I figure out that your hubby tries to listen to much to his mom and expects u to do the same like cooking, cleaning etc. In this instance when he is not having an intimate relationship with u - try to find out the reason. As u have mentioned that he is busy at work, ask him nicely wat is presurising him at work, wat is bothering him and how can u help him to release this stress and b more supporting and helpful ! Dont complain to him that he's not getting intimate or he's not giving u attention. Cos u guys have had so many fights and arguments in the past that now its going to take a long time to fix it and u can only fix it by showing love for him, being more patient, not complaining and supporting him. He has mentioned to u that he's busy at work and the fights/arguments b/w the two of u putt him offf, what are you doing about it ???????? He has immense pressure on him from his parents and he feels torn b/w his mom and u cos u complain all the time and mom manuiplates things. She doesn't complain but she knows what to ssay and do at what time. You do the same ! Are you working and if not can I ask you why not ? I dont tend to get personal here and you can not answer ny question but this will help me analyse ur situation better. You don't have to bend all the time, you can put ur point forward by being firm/assertive and polite as well ! You can ask ur hubby that what does he expect you to do , when he doesnt want to have an intimacy with u ?Dont COMPLAIN. Last thing anyone wants to do after coming back from work is to have someone complaiing and nagging ! Try to chnage this attitude of urs !

    All the best girl !
     
  3. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    thanks for ur reply menku....no im not working ....im desperatly searcing for jobs but here its hard nowadays since there is a economic downturn ...i will do these as u said...thnks!
     
  4. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi IcySpicy, I can understand your frsutration now after giving in to their meaning of cooking multiple times and cleaning..

    You have come here with the problem that you mentioned abt in your earlier thread. Can you tell us if you were able to implement our suggestions in your life? atleast I remember you saying thanks to our ideas and suggestions but I dont want to assume that you tried them because your problem more or less seems to remain as is. Is your MIL back with you guys now? hows it going with her? Is there peace?

    I am sure if the basic foundation of your relationship has gotton better, some of things like intimacy, understanding will fall in place. what do you think??

    I ask you this, because if I were to suggest you point blank to your first post here, I would have to repeat exactly the same words that I wrote to you in your previous thread. So I need to know where you stand before suggesting any more.
     
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2010
  5. icyspicy

    icyspicy Senior IL'ite

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    Hi!...no my mil hasent come yet she wld be coming this month end...in the mean time our problems r still remaingng i tried talking to my husband abt the intimacy and his aloofness ...he told many reasons....1.our fights 2.his work timings 3.he feels unclean 4.(this is wot i thing is the main reason-he wants me to avoid pregnanacy at any cost cos he mentioned to me abt contraceptives) I agreed to his reasons and and made a compromise abt not asking him for intimacy frequently and not getting pregnant ...i told hiom abt safe times v can have intimacy but he didnt agree to tht...i was ok then also...out talk was inconclusive cos he didnt want to give a clear cut reason for it so i also left it..he doisent like me discussing on it anymore and thinks that i fight with him...so i reamin quiet now and talk to him only for specific things...he spend more time on the laptop i spend with crochet....i try diverting my mind like this so as not to get affected by his aloof behaviour...he comes home early nowadays but does not inform me ...i go to my moms place in the morning and cum bak at night cos she had cataract surgery she is just recovering......when i reached early from last 2 days he is already home ....i felt hurt since he didnt let me know he reached home early but i didnt say anything to him...now he is keeping on asking me why i am quiet he is starting to argue tht i am not bothered abt him or our life i just came bak to him cos of my paretns health ...he is still blaming me even though i dont say anything....at home he acts sweet but once he is out and call me on phone he talks very different...i dont understand his behaviour...i feel he and his family is trying to provoke me nd plying games with me.Before this kind of behaviour was shown by his mom now he also started it i dont know if my dh really loves me also or not....im so disturbed
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    What a mess. Why are you guys never getting along?

    I can understand why you are keeping quiet. Probably because everytime you guys try to talk, it turns into an arguement... so better to keep quiet I guess. But actually, I've always felt that doesn't work out well, because sometimes silence conveys anger just as strongly as words.

    Tonight try...

    -Asking him how was his day
    -Showing him the crochet you are working on (Ask him if he wants to see it. If he says no, tell him you want to show him and then go over and show him... anything to break the ice)
    -Talking about something you are both watching on tv
    -Lighting a candle at the dinner table when you sit down to eat (If he asks why, just say you thought it would look nice)

    These are the things I would do. Due to my own nasty interfering mil, I've had many ices to break in the past with my own dh. :cheers
     
  7. sujanags

    sujanags Gold IL'ite

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    I am seeing that almost all your threads are referring to the same problem. Our ILites have given many good suggestions regarding cooking tips, managing MIL, patch up with husband and all. I would suggest you to try and implement step by step. Things don't change immediately the next day. Patience is very important in every thing.
     
  8. feduptocore

    feduptocore Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Icy... you seem to be too frustrated and impatient... girl just cool down .. if Dh has explained reasons of avoiding intimacy then ok.. respect him and wait a man hardly can do without sex for too long he will come by... you showing desperation maybe putting him off.. why don't you try giving him a nice oil massage or something to excite him and get into the mood?? sometimes when my dh is in the middle of a real serious work on his laptop i go and sit on his lap and hug him ... takes the tension away and gets him in a good mood!!!.. likewise when i'm in a real bad situation at work he always comes and hugs and gives me back massages just sets the mood right...
    MIL is yet not around pl. think positive.. be in a receptive and conducive mood for him when he comes home... and your mom had a cataract op many weeks ago.. I think you don't need to go there all day & return in the night.. please pay more attention & effort to your marriage and life .. cooking and cleaning is not the only work in the house there is more to it and that even a maid can do!!
    K
     
  9. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    U cannot make a person love u by fighting with him..Patience is the key..Friendship, love and care must be there to have intimacy..It is not just physical but a great deal of emotional feeling as well..

    Majority of Men are aloof, that is in their genes.. All his 3 points are valid..For the third point, u can keep everything clean and pleasant..
    For pregnancy icyspicy dont take me wrong, but i feel both of u are yet not ready coz u dont still have a stable marriage..looking after a child is a demanding job..Things might get worse, like ur husband might put all the child's responsibilities on u..First focus on building a strong relation with ur husband then think of a baby..

    Well,if he has high colestrol why can't he take those tablets?..Dont u take tablets when u are unwell?..If u are suspicious,For ur confirmation, persuade him to consult the doctor for a revised dosage..
    By nagging him to excercise and not take those tablets, u are doing the damage urself.. He will be thinking of his mom as a life saver and u as his life taker..He has work pressure,may be he doesn't feel like excercising, taking tablets is easier than excercising. (Human psychology is to choose the easier option).

    For what does he blame u?..Do u have enough proof to say his family is playing games with u?..

    U need not go to him and bend for him if u dont feel like..Love and intimacy can happen only when both of them are interested..

    Expectations!!.. Dont expect anything from ur hubby.. Accept him for the way he is..That is love!!..
    When u stop ur expectations ur depression, irriations, pressure will subside..Try it!!


    I feel that Men need some space..Dont get hurt coz of their aloofness, coz that's the way they are?..Dont show ur anger ..Be calm and supportive..
    Take time to relax if u feel irritated or pressurized..
    Good Luck!!
     

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