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Dh Not Letting To Go For Mom Side Function

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweetygals, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    Pls help me with ur suggestions
    Now i have my mom's brother daughter marriage coming up. It comes during diwali. And they are planning to combine my grand father kanakabishegam with this. So they want my daughter to be there as she is the only 3rd generation. If she is not there my grandfather's kanakabishegam will not happen. So they want me to confirm about my daughter presence.
    I spoke the same about my husband. Initially he said ok and he have 15 days of holiday pending and he is planning to go to his mom's house for diwali as well. He told me u can take 5 days holiday come to my house for 3 days, 2days for marriage. If u dont get leave just come to my home for diwali and go back. I will go to your uncle function with our daughter. As we have never attended any function my side function even my dad's 60th marriage he said he wanted to go for this at any cost. I was surprised. How he has changed and was happy about it.
    I believe my husband when it comes to my kid. He is very cautious on each and everything and takes good care of her. So was fine and conveyed the same to my parents as well.
    And now i dint get my leave. So plan should be i go to MIL house just for diwali. My husband stay back and attend mom side function with my daughter. In the mean time my dh has conveyed the same to my MIL. If you read my previous thread you will understand her nature. No relatives. Other than her own kids every body hate her for her nature.
    MIL has yelled at my husband you are doing what ever she says. You dont need your parents anymore. And kept the phone. Now my husband says he has to obey his mom. Otherwise his mom will never talk to her. So he will not go now. I fougt with him saying ur selfish. U worry only abt u and ur mom. He said you are not even respecting me. So we jus slept. And it sought out next day morning. And He calmly says u and my mom making my life hell. I cannot go without my mom wish. She will feel very bad. If we dont go u ll feel bad. It will make my life miserable. Please understand you are this generation.Help me. I dint say anything.

    I dont know how my parents will react for this. As my grandfather's function will not happen.
    My mom is the one who took care of me during pregnancy and took care of child till she becomes toddler. She has helped a lot in our tough times. And my mom also has severe health issues. My huband knows this well. My MIL will just say excuses that she or her daughter is not well. Her daughter suffers from RH and she is with her. And she will let her not do any house work. So she has never helped us and i dont mind about it as in the name of helping she will create more drama between me and my dh.

    And now after talking to MIL he is saying your mom did this that. So cannot go. If you want you take leave somehow go. I will keep my daughter with me as it will be strain for her. Travelling here and there. My mom house and MIL house 8hrs train journey. I'm highly disappointed. My mom would definitely say you guys just use me when u need. You dont give anything back to us. Not even ur presence. You are bending back. Thatsy ur dh and MIL use us when they required. If i be firm and go with my daughter my husband will say u never respect me anymore. It will create tiff between us. I dont care abt my MIL. Dont know what to do.
     
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  2. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I would suggest you to go to your Mom's function with your DD...Dont expect DH to join... Tell him clearly that, if he doesnt want to join, you are perfectly fine. As a Daughter and Grand Daughter, you have to do your duties... Blocking you from going and asking for respect is not correct from your husband....ask him, will he do the same to his parents???... what if you dont go to any functions from his side..... explain and dont bother even if he doesnt understand....

    Tell him, if you dont go, it wont be a bad name on you... Your DH will be blamed for not sending you among your relations....

    If I were you, I will not stop... I will just apply one more leave and go, or I will adjust Diwali holidays and go....
     
    sindmani, ranirm and NeetaR like this.
  3. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for ur reply issue is i dont get leave. My manager dint approve. It is like either i can go for diwali or can go for this function. So if i dont go for diwali my kid will also not go. So my mil will create more drama. My husband will not let me to so that
     
  4. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    If thats the case, send your Kid with your parents...hope your DD is comfortable with your parents based on your post.
     
  5. sangeethakripa

    sangeethakripa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP
    When your DH and his family care a damn for you and your good will. Should you ?. You take your DD for the family function and show them your family is equally important to you like your MIL's family for your DH. Don't succumb else you will be pushed to slavery.
     
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  6. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    Diwali will come every year, but your grandpa's kanakabishegam will happen only once. You and your DD must go to get their blessings. Elders blessings are very important for us. Husband and wife tiff will be there throughout the life, we can't skip important rituals for that. In the name of "respect", your husband dominates you. Don't your parents and grandparents need their respect?. You take a leave, attending the function, skip your Diwali this time or celebrate at your home itself
     
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  7. leenarajaryan

    leenarajaryan Silver IL'ite

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    I think you should go for your grandpa's kanakabishegam & ask your DH to go for Diwali. This year you can/ Should adjust. If DH says anything in this matter just say it without fight that this time you obey your Parents wish & I will do mine & that's firm & also mention that u will not do any changes in this. Child can again be sent with there dad to there Grandparents in Diwali if required.
    Also if you notice there is already Sat/Sunday off during Diwali you may be able to take a day leave to enjoy Diwali at ur In laws place too.
     
  8. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    For as long as you keep listening to their unreasonable, unfair nonsense it isn't about to stop. Remember you are a strong independent woman.

    Now choose your priorities. Is your priority to keep bowing down to your mil's whims and keeping peace or taking your child to your parents' place? You cannot please them both. And I personally think it is time you stood up for yourself and weathered the storm mil is about to create.

    Your husband sounds like he can see what is going on but lacks the spine to stand up to his demanding mother. And you are an easy target to shout at and railroad over.

    You need to stop being the target. You just need to inform your husband calmly that you can't let your family down. So you are going to skip diwali and go to your parents place. No discussion. No permission. Just do that. Do not send your child to mil either for diwali. Be very calm and very focused. Let your husband know because he went back o his promise you are forced to do this. Be very clear that you were all for diwali at his place but this isn't done. Then even if he again promises to take your child himself, don't budge. Just say you can't depend on him after what happended last time. You dont want to put him in a difficult position with his mum. Don't say it with anger or with mockery. Just in a matter of fact manner. Do not discuss it any further. No pleading no crying. Only action.

    Be prepared for mils wrath bit there is squat all she can do about it when you are firm and dismissive of her stupid manipulation and drama.
     
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  9. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for all ur replies :blush:
    You guys are right. He tries to dominate me in name of respect. I understood this after posting in this forum :cry:. But now wen u guys say u go on yourself. He would fight with me saying that you are not listening anymore. U can take decisions on ur own. So much guts u have got. In initial years of marriage u were not like this. No respect. Thatsy ur parents also not giving respect. He will hav his own set of arguements. How to handle . Even if i talk back with valid arguements he will say love his more than respect. Dont talk with me. Dont see my face. And he will go outside. So how to handle. Please help me.


    And if i agree that i'm not going to attend function just for him. He would be super nice. Back of me. Talks very nicely. As if he is the best husband.
     
  10. charanya147

    charanya147 Silver IL'ite

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    You know your husband better...... If you argue, you too argue...... You just ask him " it's you who accepted to go initially, now what happened"... If you change your words like this, I can't believe you in future.... Etc....... If you says OK now, life long you have to nod your head up and down....... Its good to nod sideways also sometimes if you have valid reasons..... If it emergency or something we can adjust, not to all these stupid things in order to please inlaws.......
     

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