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DH not interested or very less intrested in physical Intimacy - Please help

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by SDN, May 13, 2011.

  1. crazysans

    crazysans Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi SDN,

    This might not be a solution for you. Just writing to share what happened to me ... thats it.
    May be I couldn't workout a solution for myself.

    This is just similar to my case, but I am not newly married ( married for 7 years ). I know how hard it is to digest if DH rejects us. For me things started improving when I kept quite. Infact I still remember a period of time, where I completely lost interest in physical intimacy and started accepting things as they were. But then DH changed a bit , after noticing that I am being silent and uninterested. (Other than this he is a good guy, good father , good friend etc, with everything else except for being non-expressive to me). Infact there were many fights because of this.
    *( Don't know if I am fortunate /unfortunate, I would say atleast 80% of our fights are either intimacy/ lack of expression/ negligence. Absolutely no other problem between us, no IL's no money , no ego problems or anything) Sometimes I loose interest and try to avoid lonely times eventually after a looong wait/ painful refusal . Thats when he used to be ( I should rather say even now sometimes) intimate with me , when he feels that I am missing it / moody or what ever. This is even torture , as you can't even completely ignore this factor , where it comes and hits you once in a while. and I feel that he is just doing it for me.

    I strongly feel , that some(or most) men don't see love and S** as the same thing , as we women do. Thats the problem. To me my husband changed a lot , from what he used to be. But still , he still has to change a lot. Only thing that drives me crazy is " when he says I am trying" - I really don't understand , why one has to "try" to express one's feelings, when he really loves/likes somebody? Doesn't that come out automatically like when we automatically kiss a lovable kid? He still says he is learning/trying/changing ... so on. but I don't really understand. I am not blaming him. Could be the environment where he is born and brought up, where he never needed to express things to anybody :bonk

    My only advice for you is - try to be patient with him and let him realize, if you strongly know that he doesn't have any pressures/affairs/ "other" means of satisfying himself. No body knows when can this happen?It just has to happen. Atleast I agree that I failed to make it happen. I really wish you have good luck in seeing those love-filled eyes from your DH.


    Apologies if my post is not useful to you.:)
     
  2. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

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    The understanding that men's view of romance is different from women's is appreciable.

    And..........in some cases, it takes a loooooooooooooong time for women to understand the men's needs..! :) Do you agree with me, ptamil ?
     
  3. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    Not all men want sex everyday.
    So do women.
    Some want it everyday, few times a week or only once a month.
    Depends on every individual.

    There may be no reason at all for your husband to reject you at times when you want to get intimate. He may simply fall in the category where he can live without it.

    You mentioned the intimacy is not as frequent as it used to be when you first got married. Most couples face this. The desire gets lesser and lesser unless both the partners have high sexual drive.

    In your case, you have higher and frequent desires compared to your husband.

    You are married only for one year and so now. There's no rush to have a baby. Enjoy the process. It will happen when it has to happen. Your husband will get pressurized if everytime you expect to get intimate just to conceive and it's difficult to conceive then.

    You try to be romantic like holding his hands, kissing and cuddling even if he doesn't do the same. He'll slowly follow your step. :)
     
  4. SANDYA8484

    SANDYA8484 New IL'ite

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    GO out for a mini vacation . am sure he will open up .
    Its perfectly okay for women to take the initiative ..

    so go ahead n all the best .
     
  5. redgems

    redgems New IL'ite

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    Is there a big age gap between your ages (I don't recall reading it)? Is your DH's diet okay? If he feels tired, change his diet (add almonds or other nuts and fish, if you eat it). Maybe he's stressed out - give him a massage. I think the diet aspect can really help to change things.

    But if he's anxious/uninterested in romantic gestures around the house because others will see, don't force him. This anxiety may enter your bedroom.

    Also, don't pressure him into the situation. It might end up being always on his mind - like some chore he has to do.
     
  6. indigirl

    indigirl Senior IL'ite

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    I have faced similar situation in my marriage as well. I am married for two years and blessed with a 4 month old angel.
    Ours is a love marriage ,from the beginning of our marriage we were intimate just once a week or so.And that too was also my initiative most of the times.
    My hubby is the best possible hubby in all other aspects but when it comes to sxx life I have missed a lot.
    Ours is a love marriage and he doesnt have much work stress or any other reasons, our family life is quite peaceful.I really dont know how to ignite the spark. After baby birth situation is even worse,I have gained back my libido but he doesnt seem much interested :(.Before marriage we were always trying to steal moments to be together and be intimate, those days seem like a dream to me now. I sometimes feel that he doesnt even understand female anatomy that it takes time for us to get arouse and then only ic is possible, he will simply bang as soon as we r on bed which makes the act painful for me. I have tried explaining this to him but he doesnt seem to understand, so for me the issue is both quantity and quality.
    Advice from my lady frens will help.I have lost all my pregnancy weight and look good,except for a tummy which appears ugly now :hide:.
    Also, some of you have advised for vacation, we both loved travelling to new places, but he is never intimate when on vacation, his view is that we should enjoy the place and not waste time in sxx, huh!
     
  7. Mom2499

    Mom2499 Senior IL'ite

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    indigirl, Hi there, Don't worry. You continue to be affectionate toward him, like preparing special dishes for him, purchasing him a new shirt or tie with his preferences in mind. Tell him how you adore him. Make tea or coffee or that special something that brings a smile on his face. Serve it to him when he least expects it. These little things done everyday, regularly on a consistent basis will bring back that romance into your life. Try this......he will eventually start responding positively to you and he will listen to you!!! In most cases this works. So, all the best.:thumbsup

    Sometime, this may even take some years. But if your Marriage and your man is important to you. Be patient and serve him with all of your heart without expecting anything in return. This is indeed a very poweful way to LOVE someone.
     
  8. indigirl

    indigirl Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Mom2499 for your advise.I will certainly start working on it.
    I really hope and wish to get the romance in the our marriage. I love my husband a lot and would love to do the small things that makes him happy.
     
  9. Mom2499

    Mom2499 Senior IL'ite

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    Indigirl, Good that you want to work on it. :clap One of the things, you can also do is give him a great big bear hug when he gets home from work. It will do you some good also. Try it! :thumbsup

    Sometimes, we have to bring the romance in our Marriage. Your dh will appreciate you one day for all the work you put into your relationship to make it work. As you keep trying you will begin to love the way you have turned out to be - Loving and Cherishing Your Relationship. And believe me your dh will run to you (after all the work you put into your Marriage) for almost everything because he knows you LOVE HIM and also you have made it possible for him to easily TRUST YOU. He will miss you everyday when you are not with him.

    Luv, Monalisa .
     

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