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Dh Doesn't Help

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by seekout, Oct 23, 2016.

  1. seekout

    seekout Silver IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I'm 10 weeks pregnant and we found foetal heart rate to be a bit less than required during 7th week. Since then doctor has advised complete bed rest for 1-2 month. My mom had come over to help me and she did for 15 days. She left 2 days back. I'm not able to find a cook because my FIL wants a cook from certain category/caste only, which is difficult to get for 1 months time and very expensive too. My DH's doesn't help me out in any of the chores in kitchen because he has a weird sleeping cycle. He wakes up at 9:30 and leaves for office by 10:30. Eventually he comes late so by that time most of my work is done and I'm too tired. I'm planning to join my work by next month after the scan this week. I'm too afraid thinking what will happen after joining office. How should I make him understand that I really need his help. Dh keeps playing games on his mobile till late at night and makes excuses to wake up early (atleast by 8 ) and help. He doesn't know anything about cooking except tea. My FIL although helps but sometimes it ends up as extra work for me. E.g. he would buy spinach and chop them nicely for me but wouldn't wash it properly before cutting. Now I need to take extra effort to clean it from chopped greens. Still my FIL helps me a lot by washing my clothes(machine wash) and putting them to dry, makes rice at night, buys anything i need from the market at anytime etc.
    It's a matter of only one more month and then I'm sure I'll be able to take care of everything.

    Thanks.
     
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  2. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hii, congrats on your pregnancy. May God bless you and your baby always.
    Your husband seems immature. He needs to realise that he is becoming a father. He has to be responsible towards you more than before.
    Sit him and explain in a way that you know will make him understand your words.
    Tell him that you are pregnant with his child and he should take care of you both from now.

    Tell him to wake up a bit early and help you out in kitchen.

    Meanwhile keep searching for a cook and hire asap.
    Talk to your FIL that how it's difficult to find a cook/maid these days in general and hemce getting a cook from certain caste is too too difficult. try to convince him to hire a decent cook, you can even ask the cook to cook acc to your FILs preferences so that he doesn't feel bad.
     
  3. Craziyrmom

    Craziyrmom Silver IL'ite

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    Congrats on your pregnancy and wishing you a wonderful time through this pregnancy.
    As previous person has mentioned, please make your DH understand how important this is to both of you and how your well being is important for the baby to grow in a happy environment.
    You don't need to fight with your hubby but discuss with him in a friendly way. Keep repeating it in different ways but make sure you get the point that he has to help you and he is responsible for your well being especially at this juncture of life.
    If your FIL can make him understand, you can take his help too and ask him to let him know.
    It's important that he understands that he needs to help you with daily work and then spend time the way he likes to so he ll also get some time for himself.
    Please take up this matter sooner else once baby s born the same story will continue and you ll be more frustrated than ever.
     
  4. vinodsinha

    vinodsinha Bronze IL'ite

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    Have patience. He will change with time.
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    When???/
    His wife and child need him now!
    His wife is pregnant and has been told by doctor to rest....so when the hell will he change if not now.

    How the bloody hell do these guys just marry ...specially working women and expect no change in their lives.
    How the bloody hell do these guys decide to have a child but expect no change in their lives.
    So easy to say"Have patience.He will change with time ".How about changing before taking on the responsibility of marriage and child!!!!!!!!!
     
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Congrats on pregnancy. At the same time, your hubby is inconsiderate and self centered during this time. Isnt the kid his too. When the doctor specifically told you have to take additional care of your health, how can he foolishly play games and go on like a bachelor.

    At the same time, you need to take care of your health , even if everybody around you don't want to even bend their needs. Your FIL to a certain extent is helpful. Take advantage of the fact and tell him to adjust with a cook until you get your check up and everything is back to normal. You also on the other hand have to put your foot down and say I am important and will do anything to take care of me and my baby.

    Have a stern talk with hubby. He has to change himself. What happens when the baby comes. You are looking at raising it with your FIL . Tell him to help around a little more. Good Luck.
     
    yellowmango likes this.
  7. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    At least your FIL seems to care for your well-being. Seek out his help, give him things to do that he can do well, show that you appreciate his efforts. Have you tried asking him to speak to his son?

    BTW, poorly washed greens can be a source of all sorts of illnesses that are doubly dangerous when you are pregnant. Be vigilant when washing vegetables. Do this part yourself since you have the highest stakes. Find other suitable tasks to delegate to your FIL.

    As for your husband, if you keep doing stuff for him, he has no incentive to change. Perhaps it's time to start by making him deal with his own chores. Have your physician explain to him the consequences for your health. An adult ought not to need this, but then again ....

    Or you might consider some advanced technology.

    Good Luck with the baby!
    :beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2016
    seekout and yellowmango like this.
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP ...have a meeting with fil and husband.Tell them what the doctor told you and how you need bed rest. Give them options.
    1)get cook...whoever is available.
    2)Husband and fil cook.
    3) Don't think about money for a few months. Get all the help you can for the next few months. It is the best investment in your and your child's health.
    Best Wishes Op.
    Hope your husband gets some sense in time.
     
    MalStrom and seekout like this.
  9. seekout

    seekout Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all of you for the wishes. :)
    I spoke with dh again today and he did help me but this has happened many times before. The day we speak and come to a conclusion, he'd do things for the next 2 days and then it's back to the same.
    Although he cares for me and is ready to get stuff for me from outside, massages me when I have pain but doesn't understand that the work which he should do is his responsibility and not actually help. We have had fights several times regarding this and I let it go because I don't want a glum atmosphere. He has improved considerably since marriage. Earlier he used to put his plate with leftovers in the sink, leave the clothes on floor etc. Now he does those things properly. Initially he used to do a lot of things for me (we would come back from office and i used to cook then have our dinner together and he would do the dishes or fold clothes)but then his parents would come and stand near him asking what do you want? Why are you doing this? Why is she not doing it? etc. So slowly he stopped. Sometimes PILs would snatch the stuff from his hands and do it themselves. Due to some issues with my dh and fil, my mil left the house. She stays separate and now goes on saying that I made her leave the house, whereas it's her house. She also calls up my dh and irritates him by speaking all old problems. It makes me mad. Maybe it's too much of info in one post.
     
  10. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    Talk to your husband once, twice, thrice. He is an adult and what you are trying to tell him should not be more complicated than the office work he is doing. If you cannot reason with him as an adult, just take care of your mind and body and that of your baby. Cook what is good for you at this time, don't do anything extra for your husband - he will eat and drink what the rest of you have. If he wants something else let him make it himself. He can do his own laundry.

    He and his parents are old enough to know their responsibilities. No point getting frustrated with his parents - your husband is a grown up man to make his own choices irrespective of their old-fashioned ideas and brainwashing.

    Nice of your FIL to help and try whatever he can.

    Best wishes on your pregnancy.
     

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