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DH confusing me, Unable to decide!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by cutesmile09, Apr 8, 2015.

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Apr 8, 2015 #1
cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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Pls move this thread to the correct forum if it's wrongly posted here!

Dear friends,

I am a Happy-to-go-lucky girl very simple n contended with small pleasures in life, my DH is also like me very simple, Warm n caring spouse, we r blessed with a cute little angel who will turn 3 in couple of months, We opted for a single child..V r Happy couple with little ups n downs,We have a simple Life style,we both r weighing pros n cons of me working or to be a SAHM( right now I am SAHM) I take care of my baby, manage house I have full-time maid for all the chores, I do cooking n rest of the time I spent with the baby, my inlaws stay with us for 3-4months a year..the pros my DH listed:

1. One more paycheck(which he is not much interested)
2. More self-confidence n self-satisfaction(for me of course)
3. More adult interaction hence less depression
4. More savings for my DD's future

Cons According to him)

1. DD will feel lonely( she is a very happy n confident kid now)
2. Our daily routine will be disturbed( more stress n less happiness)
3. 50% of my earnings will to the child care n eating out
4. Inlaws will ask my Dh to contribute more pocket money as we both will be working( this happened in the past)
5. We need to contribute more money towards family functions n occasions as we both will be working
6. My BIL may inherit more property as he is not as settled as us n DH says if he is only the bread winner then the property will be divided equally( I find it weird)
7. Myinlaws may come n stay with me in the pretext of helping me n will show me hell..
8. I have to struggle alone managing everything as my DH jobs require travelling n he can't help me with Dd's studies or household chores.

My DH listed all the above points n says as the cons r more than pros t will be wise for me to be a SAHM apart from this he suggested me to be a free lancer or do share trading at home in my free time without affecting my daily routine..

i sm confused n unable able to decide pls pour in ur views on this..

Thanks!

cutesmile09, Apr 8, 2015

cutesmile09, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #2

tarasharma Gold IL'ite

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@cutesmile09

Hi, you have listed pros and cons according to your DH. However, what do you think? What is your analysis of the situation?

tarasharma, Apr 8, 2015

tarasharma, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #3

YoginiVenkat Silver IL'ite

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OP, these are all the pros and cons from your hubby's point. Just analyze from your side.

1. DD will feel lonely( she is a very happy n confident kid now) – She s gonna be 3 right. U can put her in school so that she might not feel lonely for a long time.
2. Our daily routine will be disturbed( more stress n less happiness) – Actually, daily routine will be regularized if you plan out well. You and your hubby must plan things ahead.
3. 50% of my earnings will toto child care n eating out – Why 50%. If you think of working, the first thing u must learn, is to save money accordingly.
4. Inlaws will ask my Dh to contribute more pocket money as we bot will be working( this happened in the past) – That’s your husband’s stand. He needs to manage things with his parents. And, if their demand is only a lil more, y don’t u give.(I am not sure how much they expect)
5. We need to contribute more money towards family functions n occasions as we bot will be working – Hmm,this needs to be taken care. Cos first save and then spend.
6. My BIL may inherit more property as he is not as settled as us n DH says if he is only the bread winner then the property will be divided equally( I find it weird) – Oof…the property must be divided equally no matter whether u work or not. Here also your husband must speak.. (But, just sharing my point of view..so pls don’t get offended)the property dividence is between sons and father, I better not interfere. Whatever share is given or not given at all, I am least bothered. We ppl earn well then y to think hard on this.)
7. Myinlaws may come n stay with me in the pretext of helping me n will show me hell.. – Ofcouse when inlaws come at this time, they hardly help us. But just realise your DD will not feel lonely..
8. I have to struggle alone managing everything as my DH jobs require travelling n he can't help me with Dd's studies or homework.- Op, u do have full time maid for helping u in all the chores. So with the maid u can manage house works. Come home and relax and spend time with your baby.

If u seriously wanna work, u sit think and sort it out. Nothing is impossible.. I am also working with my 2 yrs old DD. It is tough.. But still with my husband's full support, I am able to.

All the best

YoginiVenkat, Apr 8, 2015

YoginiVenkat, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #4

cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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@tarasharma, that's what I am confused??? I worked in India for top Mnc banks for 5yrs before marriage n after marriage 4yrs in abroad I was very bold n strong woman earned enough n bought a flat with my own earnings n I get rent for my monthly expenses( if any) n I am inheriting some property also from my parents, all my relatives asking me when will I start working( as everyone thinks I am more career-oriented) but I don't know why I am became so weak looking at my DD I get worried for her, right now she is such a bright n happy kid( I feel she may get disturbed).i have few job offers too but I feel scared joining the workforce fearing abt my DD's well-being,I feel depressed n confused

cutesmile09, Apr 8, 2015

cutesmile09, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #5

Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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@cutesmile09:

First, make a pros and cons list from your perspective. Then you and your DH could discuss and make further decisions.

Working mothers can raise happy and confident children too. Its not necessary for a child to have his/her mother always to grow up that way. (only mother?! not many fathers will quit working to raise a happy and confident child at home....IMO).
There will be stress when you both work, but with proper help and a routine you will be able to manage everything as time goes on.

About paying for ILs and contributions towards functions (not sure if your ILs demand certain specific gifts and certain amount of money), you and your DH can again decide on how much you want to contribute and split the expenses. Or allot some expenses for yourself and for him if that helps.

IMO, don't think about the property. Just decide if you want to work or not and move forward based on that. This will only stress you out since its not in your (and your DH's) control.
(I have been in this situation, I feel it's weird too. But I ignored it to reduce my stress.)

Freelancing is also stressful to do if there is no routine established. You can try this and see how much you can manage till you make a decision.

Sparkle, Apr 8, 2015

Sparkle, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #6

steve Platinum IL'ite

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Do what you want. These kind of pros/cons lists are made with an agenda of the ultimate outcome. You are naive to believe that the conclusion is logically derived from the list.

steve, Apr 8, 2015

steve, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #7

Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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cutesmile09 said: ↑

but I don't know why I am became so weak looking at my DD I get worried for her, right now she is such a bright n happy kid( I feel she may get disturbed).i have few job offers too but I feel scared joining the workforce fearing abt my DD's well-being,I feel depressed n confused
Click to expand...

Try freelancing for a while till you feel confident about taking a full-time job offer. Else choose an offer from a company that has its own daycare within the company premises or is very close to your DD's school etc.

Sparkle, Apr 8, 2015

Sparkle, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #8

poovai Platinum IL'ite

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You have prior work experience/qualification to find a job and work again.

Your kid is 3-years old, ready for pre-school and day care. The choice is yours to stay home or get back to work, again.

poovai, Apr 8, 2015

poovai, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #9

CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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A few more points:
- your child is now still at home, after a few years she will start school, in the beginning the days are shorter but soon both she and your DH will be away the whole day
- how to you think it impact your childs view on things that the mother is only at home cooking and doing chores and father (=men) are working and being served at home
- are you able to contribute to your savings/pension plan in the current setup?
- if your husband is no more (passes away or you get divorced), are you able to provide for you and your child?

CrayoNess, Apr 8, 2015

CrayoNess, Apr 8, 2015

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Apr 8, 2015 #10

butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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@cutesmile09, I totally relate to what you are undergoing.

At what age do kids start going to school full-time in UK? How many hours are they gone?

I would have advised you to go to work once your child starts school fulltime but you say that your husband travels quite a lot. That changes the equation for me. You will be running the family full-time along with a full-time job. My advice would be to start with a part-time job and then progress to full-time whenever you and your family is ready.

I have seen many moms gothis route. These include professionals who graduated from ivy league universities too.

As @sparkle says, its not easy freelancing. That's what you can do when you have been working full-time, built a great network of contacts and already have a pretty solid routine set up at home. Now its a different scenario. You need the comfort that an office set-up offers and manage your need to get away from home and face and interact with adults.

The factors that you should be considering is what you can manage given the demands of your household.

Other extraneous factors that are not in our hand such as property division, what daughter will think of you, what will happen if there is no husband etc need not figure in the decision-making process.

butterflyice, Apr 8, 2015

butterflyice, Apr 8, 2015

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