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Dh Calling Mil Everyday....who Admitted She Don't Want Us To Live Together

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by meenu2020, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone,

    I have been married since many years without kid....initially my husband job was upset then we were used to live with my inlaws. My inlaws blame me for his job lost....Then my dh start 1 year masters in his field in abroad .....where my sil was married..My inlaws are always greedy,cunning and many face people.Mil try her best to create misunderstanding between us.They spend their money on my sil's further study and my mil visit sil every year to support her for household work soo that she can study. Sil husband is super nice soo my inlaws took advantage of it......Now they expected me to cover my husband study expenses and our living expenses.....moreover pil expecting my parents to send money for dh study. soo they dont need to spend on my husband.....Irrespective of the matter my husband already given them his income to them ....that was sufficient for my husband study fees, but my inlaws consider that money their not ours.
    I worked hard to get job there and worked many hours as much as i can to cover household expenses since my husband was studying.Then at the end of my husband study they pressurize my husband to find job there near my sil as she was living there. Due to too much stress from family and job stress he start living silent and sad....that was worrying me.Then he suddenly start engaging himself into college activities and events to meet new people for business everyday....i understand for successful career in business field he need to be extrovert and social soo he was trying since he is basically not a talkative type of guy.

    Now my concern was his silence and keeping away from me all the time....i started feeling very lonely because there was no one from my side whom i can discuss with. Every time i called mil she ask me to call sil and give the type of knowledge ...what is the use of going there if you dont call her. my sil never called me. once i called she talk fine but if she want to talk she call my husband and give him different advises about how to find job and how save parents money.....bla bla....because she also want her parents should spend on my sil studies not on my husband....Dh not giving me any time and keeping himself on phones all the time and going out for events and games ...create a distance between us...and slowly create friction.....when he was about to finish his study within month....my sil and her husband leave mil to my house.....her perfect entry into our house put everything into mess.My husband stop talking to me...he talk when he urgently need to talk..
    Suddenly my husband ask me that we need to move my sil house because he did not get job and his parents want him to move to Sil place.My sil and my relation was never good. Sil is my mother inlws's favorite child.I try many times to make my husband understand that we can manage to live separate if he cooperate ....but he seem like not to listen anything. I had to left my job and move with husband to sil place where my mil already living. my mil want me to find another job near sil place....she thinks job is like a joke you can leave and find anytime....I start feeling too much lonely and traped...mil and sil keep doing back biting about me.....i ask dh he can live there to look for job ...as i already lost my job can i go to India to visit parents as i was already feeling mentally exhausted ....he did not agree and he did not refuse ....then i got ticket to India.....for this news my mil was like got fire in her mind.she start giving me terrible comments ....that why iam going to visit my parents....she talk to me when i was alone and tell me that she will make sure that my husband would leave me once I left. I said her to do whatever is her wish. Because living there was exactly I was living in jail.I don't want to be there anymore time.but it was not like that I was leaving my dh as I already told my dh that I just need to visit my parents.
    Then I left for India and my parents was concerned about my in-laws because my fil did not come to pick me from airport as I called him . My parents and inlaws live in same city. I reached my parents house.I try calling my dh...he did not answer....I understood that mil and sil trying there best to break this relationship.one day my husband called himself....he was complaining that why I left for India and all that....I felt like he is in depression...so I did not react much ....one day dh called me and told me to go to in-laws place and when I try to tell him how fil and mil behaved me then he hang up.my mil came earlier to her house in India whereas my dh was still at sil place to look for job.when I reach India my fil badmouth about me and my parents and snach my passport and keep it to his house.so ladies there was little desire to continue this relationship and my passport was with fil.
    I left for in-laws house they ask me to live according to there conditions..and they( mil and fil) also mention that they don't want us(me and dh) to live together .They were actually prepared for divorce.but they are doing this for sake of their son...means allowing me to live with them....they ask me not to use phone and tablet in their house.....since my parents house was near somehow I managed and I did not have any choice..I used to pray god to show me my way.I was living with my in-laws suddenly I heard the news my dh is not getting job due to depression...and taking treatments at my sil place.he make up his mind to come to India ....once my husband came....my in-laws behave nicely ahead of my dh and taunt me when he is absent..As my dh and I was trying to go abroad...one day I heard the news that our visa is approved ......now country was different.
    I and my husband left for foreign land ....Thank god finally we start living independently.now we both are working here.my side family help us to settle there.Now when i got chance i told my dh that how mil and fil behaved me in his absence ....i did not told everything but the matter which was most concerned about....it was very hard for him to believe..!!.the day i tell him about his parents he took headache and sleeping pills ..!! he respond it that not all about their fault its your fault too , and he talk to his parents normally as he used to talk...now since lockdown i notices he is used to call mil everyday....ladies Iam getting depressed why he is calling every day to the person who dont want our relation to work...I can't say no to call but everyday is too much??....it is becoming unbearable for me. Please help me what should I do??
     
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2020
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  2. Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    expecting your husband to not call your ils would never work in my opinion . and it would not serve you any purpose either . you call your side of the family and keep in touch regularly and ignore whether he calls them everyday or whenever. i really understand what you went through and your anguish but getting upset on this phone call frequency will not help you at all especially if you are already feeling depressed over it .
     
    sindmani, drdiva, sbonigala and 3 others like this.
  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    your husband didn't navigate the newly married and my family vs FOO, issues correctly- right after marriage.
    After arranged marriage, both FOO encroach upon the boundaries of the new couple. The new couple have individual boundaries but I am talking about the boundaries of just them existing as a young family.
    This is the time when new couple have to push back on various occasions. For various reasons, the couples will be unable to push back- this is what happened in your case.
    You will have to decide the direction of your life, and know that only you will be in the driving seat- not having any expectation from your husband. Our society thinks that men know it all and can always maintain equanimity, but sometimes men can be plagued by insecurities, weakness and other issues. You can still keep your husband as head of the household but start making sole decisions, for the family.
    You have always keep your job- find one and keep it- without any interference from anyone.
    Keep your ILs away from your family
    Let your DH talk to his mother, he won't stop if you ask him. I do believe that he can be influenced by this daily talk, but this thing is out of your control. Also, he needs talking to her for his own mental health. Men usually form a bond with wife, and this kind of talk happens with wife. But some men are unable to form close emotional bond with wife and continue to bond with sisters and mothers. It is okay, because the other option for them to bond with women outside marriage. SIL and MIL are the lesser of two evils.
    You will have to keep your mental health to top shape and physical health, as well.
    Ignore MIL and SIL, plan things for your family.
     
  4. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    long thread, initially i thought your H is still job less and you are supporting him. i could get clarity in the last para.

    i would say, ignore the past. it will hurt but ignore. ignore his interactions with this parents. you are trying to cut blood bonds. not so easy.finding issues in the past is going to hurt you more than give any winner stars.

    but that said, you have to be smart and nice to your spouse in a way . that he showers his time and attention more and more. it will take time. i do not know how to . like i remember another IL saying she and her spouse used to have lot of issues, she then fixed her marriage, but going to his office daily - lunch, preparing special dates and lot of romantic gestures. It took her 6 momths , and her spouse was then completely into her.

    you cannot change the past, you can change how he feels about you, if he still sane ( :) ) , there are lot of ILs whose Spouses are better living in jungle than with wife. little street smart with kindness to all would help.
     
    meenu2020 likes this.
  5. meenu2020

    meenu2020 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear hermitcrab
    he was used to support me during 1st year of marriage when mil blame me for anything out of her jealousy, but that time he was working ...but once he became unemployed he start being silent no matter hows parents reacting.
    His parents were showing him sweet corner and blaming me for job lost.His bonding with mil was casual during my 1st year. This bonding did not increase while he was at home and without job....but that bonding increase only when we went abroad (near Sil place) for his further study and he was about to finish his course.....when we were both(I and dh) were facing some idealistic issues, and I left from Sil place to India. Because that was the high time for her to convince my husband that I am no good for him ,because i left him during his need and visited my parents. Her basic problem was that why I am not providing to H and Mil. Mil was out of control and try her best to break relationship. Sil act as nice bridge b/w mil and my dh. she is the one who keep dh and mil closer than before.

    So yes, after that incidence i felt closeness b/w mil and dh. One of the biggest fear of Dh calling mil is her evil mind can influence H.That can leads to issues into our married life...and i don't want to happen that.
     
  6. Patientone

    Patientone Bronze IL'ite

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    With men no matter how hard we tell them what their parents do to us they’ll never believe us and even if they do they’ll get very defensive and will take their side. The more you do it the more he’ll be on their side. Similarly if your MIL kept complaining about you he’d do the same. It’s all about mind games. Why push him away? Don’t say anything about them to him. Don’t mention them or any of his family unless he brings them up. Don’t mind him talking to his mum. When we wives don’t interfere, the men soon start getting bored of their mothers long talks but it takes time. Don’t give them or him any drama to feed off. Focus on enjoying your life.

    with everything you describe about how they are, greedy, many faces etc this is common in many Indian in-laws. The DIL is portrayed as the villain and blamed for everything. Don’t let it get to you because as soon as they see it bothers you. They get pleasure out of it. Always be happy in their faces but don’t flaunt your happiness.

    don’t tell your mil your personal problems. They’re not that interested and are too worried about their own Daughters. She won’t help or will make you feel inferior. Ring your mum instead. Only talk to mil about how she is, her health, what did she cook and then keep it short and say you have to go do some errands.

    I’m really sorry you had to go through what you did. It’s horrible and is similar to what I went through. The time you went India they probably filled his mind with rubbish about you but, God put you two together for a reason. Always be nice to hubby. Don’t talk bad about anyone. People are attracted to happy positive people. He’s already depressed, you’ll push him away if you carry on telling him things. I know its hard but be nice to him about his parents regardless of what’s in your heart. When he sees that and his parents complain about you. He’ll see their fault. And he will become more defensive about you. Avoid talking to you mil and SIL a lot. They seem like a headache.

    lastly, keep trying for a child (if that’s what u both want) and if you’re worried go see a doctor and maybe he can advise if that’s what both you want. Just so that if their are any problems they can be dealt with sooner rather than later.

    Also he’s calling her everyday because he has too much time on his hands. Both of you do some work in the house or ask for help politely. Do it in small requests. Once he builds a routine and knows housework needs doing. He’ll be spending less time on the phone. Better still you do work in front of him and then say ohh I did so much work today my backs hurting whatever and then he’ll help. Men have to be moulded into good husbands. But it takes time and patience. And remember... talk about everything else beside his family. If he does talk about them listen and say yes, nod etc but don’t show him any anger or upset mood. Your husband will care for you, I just think you haven’t been given time to develop your relationship without interference. It takes a bit of work but it will get better.
     
    hermitcrab and meenu2020 like this.
  7. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    I didnt see any new problem in your thread. many families will go through it. So , Stay calm and handle it. Make him busy and be with him during the calls to your MIL. As some one said, its impossible to make him stop calling his mother. its universal truth.
     
    lavani likes this.

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