DH behaves so weired - How to react to save my life

Tugga · Jul 5, 2009

Dear friends,

I am not new to this forum.. Hope most of you still remember me from my previous thread ' Priorities - Career or life'

I am back again with another issue in my life and I really value your advises in this regard.

Hope you know that I am just newly married, and living alone far from India for work reasons. It was a love marriage and my DH was/is my best friend too.

In short, I and my DH jointly made this decision of accepting this official seperation, but later on I wanted to quit my job as I missed my DH so badly here. My DH didn't like my idea, as he beleives in astrology and there is a prediction that we must life seperately until 2011 for good. So he convinced me to go ahead with this official seperation until 2011.

Now my problem is, I see a huge difference in my DH's behaviour towards me.. Not sure whether i am overreacting though..

Is it too much to expect some love and pampering(at least by phone/mail) from your DH when you are alone????? - Specially in my case we are just newly married??????

Work and life is very difficult in this country, thus our organization has grated us for Rest and recuperations in every 6 weeks. We can take this advantage to vist home frequently and recover from this stressful life.
My DH knows my life in Sudan very well, since he is also a UN staff.

Whenever I am stressed and feel so depressed I used to call home or my DH quite often. TP charges are very cheap here as we use UN lines.

My DH is not there for me to reduce my stress, rather his acts makes me more depressed. Yes, he never calls me, and never shows his interest in answering my calls. Whenever I make a call, he used to say reasons like I am busy, or travelling, eating, chatting with friends, taking bath etc...thus I hung up the phone after a formal hi and bye. He never gives me priority than his routine works though I am very careful about his routine timing. I hardly remember our long TP chats (more than 15 mins) in this 5 months of lonely life.

My DH finds difficulities to spend loads of times with me whenever I am around (during my vacations). He used to say he is busy, used to spend too much times in office, rarely takes leave, etc.... He thinks there is no need to be so attached with wife - I doubt he acts in front of his mom that he is not toooooooo attached with me so some reasons!!!

I see so many Indian people work here, they live with their mobiles in order to get rid of this stress. They call home and to their loved ones for hours and hours, and they used to receive all such updates from their homes, hence they feel they were not left behind in this country alone.

Though my parents and siblings calls me often, I still feel so depressed due to my DH's behaviour. Whenever I initiate this matter with my DH, I used to end up with an argument and bitter feeling...It makes me more stressful here. He always gets angry and says he is not grown up in a western env as me, hence he is not used to such long hours unnessary mobile talks. He also feels bad when I compare my colleagues with him - I know its not right, but I badly needed a way to tell him that I miss him...

My DH rarely called me when we were dating, but he answered my calls and continued the chats at nights for many hrs. We worked together, travelled together, so we never missed each other during dating, also I had a great understanding of his schedule and mood, so I made all my calls accordingly.

As for e mails, he used to send me couple of FORMAL e mails with one or two lines of HI bye types (for instance hi, hw r u, i am doing this today, I will be busy in the eve, bye)

But I used to get so pissed off, when I see his long mails for any favours. He uses my name, fame, money and knowledge for his betterments, thus he ask me to send e mails, documents and something from here in order to facilitate his works properly. I never failed to help him..

Though we have this much of communication facilities, my DH never tells me where he goes, what he does etc.. which was not the case before.

Other than this communication problem, my DH is very kind and caring to me... He never changed his love, but the way of showing his love is very different now. He always treats me like a small kid whenever I was with him, he gives me all the freedoms and helps me a lot (but he shows all the love whenever we are alone only)

I am sick and tired of explaining my situation to my DH, but nothing seems to be working out for me. Ladies please guide me, how can I improve my marriage life?

Regards
Tugga

flowerlady · Jul 6, 2009

Hi Tugga,
It seems that your DH is a cold fish not into romance and roses but you are.Money seems to be the primary reason here as that is why you are living apart .
Absence makes the heart grow fonder in some cases but there is out of sight ,out of mind too! Over a period of time a person learns to live alone and some enjoy the freedom with it, he has made a life without you whereas you are still pining for him.
Consult another astrologer who gives advice favourable to you !! Tell DH that you cannot live apart as you feel sad and disconnected from him, maybe he will try to be more communicating!

scorpiogal · Jul 7, 2009

Hi Tugga

You have the answer to your queries in yiur post it self .We expect something especially not that Men change after marriage .Its that there won't be any such romance like chatting for hours etc on the phone .I use feel that way too when my DH never called me when he was away nor he does talk when he is with me .I would say please get used to it .When you are married your DH doesnot need to sugar coat his emails or calls with romantic one liners nor shopw affection in public.That doesnot mean love to them though it means a a world of happiness to us .my dh always use to hold my hand when we walked around before marriage but after we got married he completely stopped even holding my hands when walking .I use to feel so strange .We use to walk like 2 strangers because either he wil walk in front of me or at the back .But when I was pregnant and felt dizzy he use to always hold me and walked .thats the difference .After marriage Love grows but it is felt in a different form .You need so more time to accept that . I don't see problem with your DH .I am sure other ilites will have more soothing words for you than me and i felt to write to as I was in the same boat

archana2008 · Jul 7, 2009

Hi Tugga,
You are not overreacting dear. It sounds so funny that you must live separately till 2011. You know what have separate bank accounts with no access to your money to your DH. and say Dear as per Astrology it is better we donot share money too. You know it is better for us only.
And i mean it. Do this and see his reaction. 5 months and less than 15 min, plus avoiding calls does not sound normal.
Dont worry, all steps cannot be done at a time, take one at a time. do the bank account changes, then wait. Donot try calling
him many times. as a formality call him once per day or something like that. fixed number and see if he really even observes that.
it will take time for him to change cannot be done overnight, but i would suggest you be safe first than sorry...
Bye
Archana

Tugga · Jul 7, 2009

Thanks for your responses Flower Lady, Scorpiogal and Archana..

@ Flowerlady,

Yes, My DH looks like a cold fish, who thinks love and romance are kind of filmy thing or western patterns of expressions thus we needn't bother too much about them. But I am confident that he loves me!
As for going to another astrologer, I don't think I believe such thing in my life. I dobut the new astrologer can make things worst!!! So I want to change my DH's beleives in this regard- Though not sure whether I am right.

@Scorpiogal,
Thanks for being able to relate your DH's behaviours to my problem. Yes, I too remember my DH cared me like a baby when I was having slight fever a few days after marriage. He prepared my coffee and brought it to the bed room. He gave me food like the way a mother gives to her small child. He didn't even allow me to walk within our house during that. I felt so secured and happy by then. He too cares me like this on my travel day, as I always look so tired after 15hrs of traveling from Sudan. I know he loves me - Thanks for giving me such confident when I was going through insecurity feelings.

@Archana,
I am not in a steady mental state to confront with my DH right now. I am so depressed and in a huge need for love and affection. May be I feel like this because of the way I was brought up or because of the unconditional love I have for my DH. My heart knows my DH loves me, but it still expects some expressions from him, thus I expect his calls and chats.

I will be able to understand his love if I live with his at the same place, but I feel insecure and feel like ignored by him when I stay miles away from him.

ALPA · Jul 7, 2009

Dear Tugga,

i am single but i exactly knowwhat you are going through as iwentthrough a similar situation with my old boyfriend. Now coming to your situation, My BF worksfor the UN here in Nairobi and i know that UN jobs a nbe very demanding and you being in Sudan is even worse.
As you said that your Dh never used to call you when you were dating, you should have taken that hint from there, he never wanted to spend money on you and even now he is doing that. so just leave him alon for sometime and see how he reacts, he just acting cold to you and that is not good becasue it is torturing you mentally, what you can do is give yourself some breathing space do not talk to to him or call him oremail him, let him do it.
let him make the move you don't go on compromising and another thing your salary is it going in your account or his? ifhis then change your account to your name and make sure your salaray goes to your account.
I know UN staff are well paid and he too am sure is being well paid but i feel that he is eyeing you money. From your post i sensed that and you being so far from him he should at least miss you, y bf travel a lot due to UN job hecalls me 3 times a day and i never call him i would just give him a miss call and he would immediately call me back.
WHen i was away for 12days for a mediation camp we were not allowed to communicate with anyone, even then he used to send me sms from Europe and i read all the sms when i came back and he could not wait to se me he immediately came home to meet me.
SO my dear you really need to think well and you are independant, if he doesn't give a hoot about you then why should you bother.
be brave andi am sorry for being harsh but i too learnt the hard way.

love
alpa:cheers

Tugga · Jul 8, 2009

Many thanks Alpha for your response.

No.. We are maintaining a joint account in India and I used to sent all my salary to my DH in order to deposit or invest them in both of our names. We make sure all our investments and savings are maintained jointly. But I could see a slight difference that my DH's contribution is very less comparing to mine, as he spends a lot for his single life (for the appartment rent, food outside, transport and the monetory assistance to his FOO) where I have no such huge expenses as UN pays almost everything, so I used to save all my salary.

As for the silent treatment, I have tried this so many times. I completely stopped calling/ e mailing him for the whole day after some arguments in this regard. Sometimes, I pretended that I have no more affection for him, hence I limited my talks only to formal concersations. Whenever I do so, my DH comes back with a sweet call or loving e mail indicating that he loves me too much, but I never understand him. That melts me always, hence I follow him... He continue to be nice and loving only for a few days, then become so cold and keeps silence. I really don't know how to change him.

arthidiva · Jul 8, 2009

Hey Tugga, I can understand how you feel.

I second Alpha's reply.. It is true that your DH may be all in love with you but the LOVE not expressed is no good than NO LOVE, atleast it should be shown when the relationship seems dying / souring. My suggestion to you would be to give the silent treatement - not for the whole day but for more days. When he is trying to be sweet / loving - you turn a cold shoulder. It may be difficult for you if you are acting so, but you just have to do it dear. Show him that you are busy, tell him you are in meeting, or have something important to do. Do it for a week. Push him to ask why you are not talking to him properly.. Just then you should say 'I was really busy (n stuff).' and he will say more things like he missed you n likewise.. Then say "This is how it feels when you are busy with your own single life when I am here all thinking about you.".. When you talk this, dont cry or talk anything more about this. Just say it hurts when being ignored.

Actually, Reason 1 - He is very confident (I should say over confident!) about you and has complete faith in your capabilities to manage all alone.. that he thinks you do great without him too. So he thinks you can manage everything on your own and that there is nothing more he can do for you. Reason 2 - He is just carried away with his single life setup now, though being married - dosen't spend time talking with his wife. Believe me Tugga, when the rest of his friends / distractions suck up or get boring, he will realise you are his life, in case you be patient till then!! which I doubt any women can do. It is just that it is easier for him to fill up the bank account with double salaries yet enjoy the single life. He is getting way too much without any effort on the relationship. I think you should make less contribution to the joint account (hold some for yourself). So he wakes up!

My final suggestion will be - distract yourself pllllsssss. It will help you. Dont think of him all the time. Just think you are going to spend one more day without talking to him, spend time for yourself. Go working out / libraries / read some books / meditate / yoga.. do anything that keep you happy other than thinking of your DH n family.

Going one more step forward, (dont hit me!) I would say skip your next vacation even if DH talks sweetly just before your vacation time. Let him miss you more. I know you will miss him but choose some place you really want to visit/ or spend that time in NGO / charities if you like it.

Please dont think I dont know anything about official seperation after marriage. I was away from DH for many months last year and we used to talk everyday. At times, I faced the same issues with my husband, I would act cold and he would realise very soon and tries not to repeat it.

ALPA · Jul 8, 2009

Dear tugga,

you are welcome, i suggest that you have a separate account opened up and only send a quartr of your salary to your joint account, if he is a UN employee as well then his transport should be catered for and start to think about yourself as he is doing the samething, start being selfish and what i am seeing is all this melting up to MONEY only. A relationship be it any should be based on OPEN COMMUNICATION and neither of you should be afraid to talk to each other, he is your husband and there should be no hidden agenda at all, i am sorry to tell you this but there is something fishy going on, i second arthidiva.
Put your mind to better things and do not do wasteful thinking
love alpa:cheers

Tugga said: ↑

Many thanks Alpha for your response.

No.. We are maintaining a joint account in India and I used to sent all my salary to my DH in order to deposit or invest them in both of our names. We make sure all our investments and savings are maintained jointly. But I could see a slight difference that my DH's contribution is very less comparing to mine, as he spends a lot for his single life (for the appartment rent, food outside, transport and the monetory assistance to his FOO) where I have no such huge expenses as UN pays almost everything, so I used to save all my salary.

As for the silent treatment, I have tried this so many times. I completely stopped calling/ e mailing him for the whole day after some arguments in this regard. Sometimes, I pretended that I have no more affection for him, hence I limited my talks only to formal concersations. Whenever I do so, my DH comes back with a sweet call or loving e mail indicating that he loves me too much, but I never understand him. That melts me always, hence I follow him... He continue to be nice and loving only for a few days, then become so cold and keeps silence. I really don't know how to change him.
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bhuvnidhi · Jul 8, 2009

Hi Tugga,This post of yours makes me think too much.

Why don't u try sending only a portion of ur money and see ur hubby's reaction as ALPHA suggested?

Probably u can decide ur next course of action based on that.

Concentrate on something else and do not restrict urself by keeping him as a single focal point of urs.

Looks like something is hidden though u try to convince urself that he is affectionate and caring.Keep emotions aside and listen to ur mind.U will definitely get a clear picture.

Regards!