DH asking back jewels on demand cos of MIL

ICY,

What a horrible relationship you both have. Personally, I would rather be alone than in a relationship that eats at my happiness and self esteem everyday.

Your husband uses you for his physical gradification and housekeeping, you use him as an emotional crutch. I see ZERO love in the relationship. He can't even stand up for HIMSELF when it comes to his mom, or he would have clearly said "Yeah Mom, I LIKE that dal!" Think about it this way.... if he is too scared to even stand up for what he wants, he will never have the balls to stand up for you. That is a sad, sad thought isn't?

See Icy, cleaning and doing work and cooking is part of a stay at home wife's work. BUT you are hardly even a wife!!! More like you are just that family's go-to girl for sex, cleaning and baby making! It is not fair that they are getting a wife and dil out of you, but you are not getting a husband out of this man you are married to!!

I agree you have a lot of growing up to do in terms of maturity and taking on household responsibilities, but I feel you should only do it in the capacity of a wife.... not a live in maid servant. If you are going to keep on getting treated like a visitor in your own home, what is the point? When you got married didn't you have any hopes and dreams, or were you just complacent with whatever crap came your way??? Because you have been unhappy for a while, yet I see no spark in you to fight for what you want. You seem to neither have the strength to break off this relationship, or the strength to make it work.

I think Icy, you have confused sex with love. Just because you are married to this guy and he plays with you or has sex with you.... doesn't mean there is love behind those actions. If there was, he would not become pissed off when you refused him. He would wait and try again another day, not willing to let sex COME IN THE WAY of his love for you. But when he was not able to get what he wanted from you, he had no further use for you and hence let the rest of the day go to hell. If it was socially acceptable, your husband would just s**** his mom and skip the whole wife step altogether. But because of society he is with you. I think that is the only reason.

A couple who loves each others TALKS things out.... not resorts to silent treatment and blowing up at each other calling bad names. A husband who loves his wife and KNOWS that this parents cause her grief, do not have them come stay in his house for months at a time.

Personally, after the past incidents I don't see happiness on your horizon any time soon. Have you ever thought of leaving this marriage and living on your own for a while, working and supporting yourself, getting to know yourself, finding out who you are, learning to pick up after yourself and keep your own house in order, and most of all, knowing what you want in a life partner instead of just letting society or your parents tell you WHO is right for YOU? I feel like I'm witnessing a child marriage here. Seems you never got a chance to mature and become an adult, and your husband and his family were all too willing to take advantage of that. Because with your husband's nasty attitude, a stronger woman would have put him in his place. You on the other hand are weak. Although you are a pain in their butt in regards to house hold chores and weird napping habits, they keep you around because you are a push over. Although you don't like them, you let his parents come live with you for long periods of time. Although your husband treats you coldly, you still want to have sex with him and cook his favorite meals. I think they keep you around, flaws in all, because they know a woman who could truely keep house, entertain like a rockstar, amuse the inlaws, hold down a job, and wake up at the crack of dawn.... would not stand to be with a jerk like their son.

You're young Icy, it's not too late to pick a different life for yourself.

 

ASG spot on! Icy are you a servant in that house. Always house work house work and house work. You are a human being and that jerk husband is unable to give you happiness and all he wants to satisfy himself. I mean lady think about your future. You know what this abuse will destroy you completely and one day you will be insane and useless. At the age of 24 if you are under such mental trauma and conditining yourself what life can you give to your children.

It is high time you contact a lawyer and come out of this. You have to derive strength from within. Why do you love him? He's not worthy of you Icy and so is his family.

All you might know is one fine morning the MIL will ask you to get out of his life and that scum bag will follow the instruction. Look at your own life style. It is pathetic. It is pathetic and simply nothing more. People come to public forums to seek help and gain clarity.

It is a pity that despite pages and pages of counselling you seem to be stuck. Your husband will not change he knows your weakness and is simply using you. If you are blindly in love and want to change him, it will not happen. First for a person to change the person must have some conscience. This man just doesn't seem to have it. You know Icy, only good human beings change for the betterment of their loved ones and their family. Parasites know only to breed and nothing beyond. You are living with a parasite that is destroying you emotionally, psychologically and it will continue to play mind games until you realize you are abused thoroughly.

Do you know Icy, if you had gone through this forum, there are people who had come with dire problems and more severe issues but they gained clarity. In your case the forum is taking the horse to the water, but the horse is refusing to drink. If the horse dies of thirst, the forum can only be a silent spectator and nothing beyond.

I will not only blame you but equally your parents. How can they be silent towards such gross injustice meted out to their daughter. Your family is living abroad and you guys have seen more challenges and competition to establish yourselves in comparison to your other counterparts. Despite this, your parents are keeping quiet? For what? I am baffaled. In my case, my dad asked me to walk out of the marrige the 6th month of the marriage. I did not do that. It was my folly to have give him time.

Your parents must be the source of strength and courage. If they cry with you and worry along with you who is suffering? It is only the three of you and not the other party. The other pary is merry making at the cost of your mental torture. Perhaps, you must ask your parents to visit this forum and read all these pages and the volume of counselling that has been pumped to you. I wish anyone of you get some courage from any source to come out of that rat hole.

 

ICY, being strong means..... standing up for yourself, having a serious talk with your husband, and be willing to walk away from your marriage if he is unwilling to meet you half way in changing himself. Let him know you are working on your own personal change, but that he needs to correct his behavior too. The only problem I see is, I'm betting your husband will refuse to change, and you will be too weak to take any type of serious action, like moving out or taking a break from the relationship.

If having his parents around irritates you so much, insist that their visits be limited to X amount of months out of the year. Let him know that you won't tolerate being called nasty names anymore and that you want him to stop shrinking into a delicate tulip around his mom and grow a spine. Let him know that these long silent treatments are NOT working well for the relationship!

The risk of this though, is that I don't think your husband loves you, and hence he doesn't have much motivation to comply with your requests. And even if you DO move out to show him how serious you are, he might NOT CARE. So you would have to be ready to face that. I think you have not done all this stuff up until now, because you know you are only hanging on by a thread and at any moment he will snap that thread and toss you out.

Given your husband's temper, I don't things will pan out well if you stand up for yourself. But at least then you will know where YOU stand with him and the reality of your relationship. If he agrees to work with you at improving the marriage, then great, things can get better. But if he refuses or sends you back to your parents house, then at least you will know where your future is headed and you can make a decision... whether to continue 'as is' with a guy who doesn't give a damn, or whether to break this relationship and look for something better. And in case you haven't figured it out already.... you don't have an inlaws problem. You have a HUSBAND problem.

 

Yeah Icy, that is a good decision. That day when I advised you, I didnt know that you had not completed your post. Reading all your problems I dont think my advise would work here, because you need two to tango. But here I see only "you" trying so hard to maintain this relationship. I completely agree with whatever ASG has said.

Now that you are deciding to break this relationship, you will have to face a lot of hardship, but I think it will better and less stressful compared to the emotional roller coaster that you experience everyday.

For all you know, your DH might just come back to his senses when he sees you as a strong girl.

 

Icy, breaking a relationship when you are in the very early stages of life is much different. You can bounce soon. The moment you are convinced that you don't see any hope in this relationship, you need to be firm and walk out. If you oscillate, you're damaging yourself.

As ASG pointed, you do not have inlaws problem, it is an irresponsible, indifferent and a hippocratic husband problem. You seem to be very open, sincere and you want the same. Icy, people grow with time. Household chores, and all the other adjuncts in marriage will fall in place if you have a person that loves you unconditionally. A bad food will be a feast and you will learn to improvise because of that love. When love is absent in a relationship, even the best housekeeping and the best food will suck. I believe that's the case here.

I was aghast when I read your daily activities. Don't you think your life style is bizarre. I accept in middle east people have late evenings.

 

Wow icy!

Good Job! great .. keep standing up for urself like this, and also dont do any work that overwhelms you, take it one by one, slowly and slowly. The fact that ur MIL is crying shows that she cant do much more than crying and screaming. Let her do that and ignore her, surround urself with a mental shell and let no one come into it....

Now next imP step is to 'maintain" arguing for ur rights/things you want like this.....

Take the work thing onE by one, for e.g., just pick one corner of the home one day, and clean it with all ur heart.. come bacK to that corner after one week to re-clean it... (for e.g cupboard etc)...

Ask ur husband to spend quality time with you at least on saturdays and sundays WITHOUT mil, like just the two of u shud go out and have fun....

Lets see how this goes by, and let us give a deadline for things to change- 2 months? or u pick.... if at the end of the day, despite trying all the measures and fighting out, things still dont change, then leave that home and get out of this marriage!



Good luck!
Keep the gud work up and remember never ever feel scared by any one......

Tc
Mihisha

 

Good job Icy. I'm glad you let her know that you want more in this life than just be the maid servant. Now you've just got to get your husband to understand the same!