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DH and his indifference(?) to me...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by headspin, Jul 6, 2012.

  1. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,
    Yet another issue - which i feel is going out of hands.
    dh has his own business. travels approx 45 km one side. out of home from 8 am and enters back minimum 10 pm. Now my issue - ne never has time for me.and im getting really frustrated. im working and have 2.7 yr old DS. stay with in laws.

    most of you might think no big deal. but for me - its a big deal because he doesnt come to the room before 12 midnight. and twice a week he is out till late nights (as late as 3 AM and once he came at 6 am next morning). obviously out drinking, either with clients or his friends. he never ets back on the time that he says before going. always late by 2-3 hrs.

    im super pissd with this routine and dont know how to handle. his mum (my mil) thinks no big deal as according to her, businessmen can never come home early. my fil too in younger days used to come home by 2 am. so for her, its nothing new. i even discussed this with dh, my mom, bro/sil, sis/bil - dh said ok, ok - but i dont see ay change.

    i feel so horrible i cant explain. i feel lonely, sad and alone. in a week - out of 7 days, atleast 5 das he comes to bed at midnight. im dead tired and not even in mood to talk or be awake. remaining 2 days, he is home early, but spends time for watching movies on computer, drinking at home , etc. im tired of his routine... and i hate it.

    obviously sex life, time with DS, family outings are all not happening. because sundays he wakes up by 11 am and the laze till 3-4 pm. by 6 pm he will agree to go out - but doesnt realize its so late. i want to take DS to places where he can enjoy and play in day time - parks, swimming, beach, etc. but dh never moves out of the house before 6 pm. whats the point? then i have to worry and carry ds's food, clthes etc which make it tiring.

    outings/vacations - have not happened since i concieved. also, we have our own financial committments. so spending money is always an issue for dh. he is never happy if i suggest something that cost money (taking a weekend trip, going out for dinner, taking me to a dicotheques, etc). be he manages to eat out atleast once a week and drink twice a week. only thing he is ok with doing anytime is going for movies. thats the cheapest na.. 250 for 2 of us. that too - he expects me to leave work and go. i try and see, but now a days im also super busy. when im free, he is not. basically no outings also...

    otherwise dh is ok guy. our was love marriage. he might love me, but doesnt show. he gives me too much of freedom, doesnt care even if i go anywhere without informing him, no fights about my working/salary, no jealousy, never stops me going anywhere. but my inlaws stop me from everything my DH lets me do. its so horrible... because dh is not at home when in laws sto me from even stepping out without dh. honestly - i feel dh is very indifferent to anything i do. i would like a bit of concern, worry, jealousy when it comes to me. but i dont see anything in him.

    i dont know whats the solution. but i know im not happy. how do i help myself? should i be indifferent - but how? now a days im always crying.. i need his attention and love. but he just doesnt get it. i feel cheap at times to beg him for love and attention. a times i am strong and dont care. but he never comes around... and ANY confrontation only leads to more fights. im very upset... please advice friends!
     
  2. sapthu02

    sapthu02 Gold IL'ite

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    Soory to hear that Headspin.. u really need to sit and talk to ur DH. its not only for u its for ur son also there needs an attention from his end, if not, son is gonna soon forget the fatherly love.

    as a family i know and understand what you have said,.. yes afterall what else could we expect other than unfailed and unfaded love? but when that is missing i know how that feels.

    the only solution is that you have to talk to him and make him understand than fights
     
  3. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for responding Sapthu..

    yes, i too think things shold be solved by talking. but ANY confrontation is so unpleasant that i wonder if i should leave them as it is.

    From last 1 month, dh has not taken ds or me out. last 3 weekends i kept myself busy. im dreading this weekend - because his definition ofouting is leave home at 6 pm, go to temple, come back home. or shop for any items on the mind. nothing else.

    no park/swimming/activity or fun trips anywhere. its unavoidable to go anywhere and not spend money.. which is what bothers him. all this, insite of me giving him 20k from my salary every month. whats the point of contributing when we dont get to have any fun???

    even now, i was out of office for some work. phone was in my jeans pocket. i entered my office and saw a missed call from dh 15 mins back. i called him - but he got angry that i was talking on the phone and dint think it was important to call him back. i believe when he called me, my number was busy. but i swear, i wasnt on phone. dh simply refuses to believe me and yelled again telling that since i called him after 15 mins, he was busy ad dint have tme to talk to me.

    tel me in all this - whats my fault? i feel so weepy!!!
     
  4. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Headspin,
    Sorry for all your issues and a big Hug to you. now calm down, take a deep breath and lets take it one step at a time.
    When DH is in a good mood and ready to talk, without making any complaints just ask him if he is able to give you 1 day in week. Start small, infact ask for half a day. If you nag or complaint first he will not do it.
    Once he starts spending time with you your frustrations will be reduced and you will be able to think clearly.
    On a separate note, you said you are otherwise OK with him and do not want to leave him right?
    FL
     
  5. falgunid18

    falgunid18 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi dear.. hugs to you... I totally understand how u r feeling now... but .. kool down.... relax for a moment...

    JMO... sorry if I hurt ur feelings.

    For Mon - Sat .. I am totally with you, but I guess your DH needs a Sunday atleast for himself as even he works hard the entire week and need time for himself to relax. So even if he wants to go out on Sunday a 6pm... adjust your schedule accordingly for that day. If he lazes around till 3-4... you also join him (I knw might not be possible coz of your mil.. but just try to be around him so as to get that warmth) Spend a quality time with DS on Sunday such that your DH is attracted to join you both forgeting his TV. this may or may not work.. but jmo.

    Now dear for you for Mon - Sat.... for initial few days and few weeks.. try being awake till the time he comes to your room. Talk to him nicely about his day, your day, your DS day....get him into a good mood. Do this for a while ... try to explain him on what he is missing (i.e. his marriage life and DS moments)... dunt talk about how you feel.Talk to him about your DS incidents in his school or playground or xyz... He will surely be interetsed atleast in this. Do this for soemtime. See if there is any change in his behaviour.... Do stuff that he likes and which would make him come home early or to your room early, so that he can be with you for more time. But this will need a lot of patience from ur end. Do not nag him. If you do that he will run away from you. I udnesratnd that you might be feeling very irritated ... but patience is only a long run solution for this (IMO).
    Try to be as much as nice and attractive to him. He might start to think to change his schedule and then you both can come out to a mid way schedule for spending time with each other.
    Good Luck!! and stay calm
     
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  6. GMReddy

    GMReddy Silver IL'ite

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    dear op,

    find when he is in good mood and tell him you love to spend some time together and ask him to plan for it...you just explain how you are yearning for this time and without it you will be unhappy like anything...

    once he understands the need, there will be chnage in him...

    best of luck...
     
  7. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks to all for the valuable suggestions...

    yes,i'm otherwise happy with him and have no thoughts of leaving him.. just that he lets me do everything. my inlaws dont like me being independent.

    anyways i guess it all boils down to ME beig patient and understanding. im also trying my best.. hoping im able to survie it all :)

    thanks once again!
     

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