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depression staying in US

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by kads, Sep 7, 2007.

  1. kads

    kads Senior IL'ite

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    Hello everybody,
    I am in US for almost 1yr,after coming for some days i was fine here then slowly i was out omy mind as felt lonely all the time ...tried to make friend but couldnt as there were not so many indians around....i have 2sisters one brother and dad,i lost my mom some 9yrs back but some where in my mind its set that i am in complete inspite of my husband and my 3yrs old son...i am married for last 8yrs came here last yr when my son was 2yr...as i was talking about the lonliness, i started feeling as was here with my son whole day at home ,dont know driving,everything was new for me ,so no communication with ppl as often as in banglore where i came from....in bang i was living in apartment complex with lots of frnds and was feeling gd ...now here in US i am type of lost ,when its almost 1yrs without any body talking or say we dont have any frnds here nor did my hubby have any frnds at office so that we can visit them often or they come our home.....some problem of my in laws also which is sometimes so hurting...when they dont cooperate...
    Acually i wanted to ask what is the reason i have started getting drepressed .....somedays ago i was like lost type and just use to cry saying my hubby i am not feeling gd i am feeling as if how will i take care of my son or u...i want to run away from my responsitbities and was going mad and thinking why is there no body to pampare me or i desperately need some elder to stay with me n guide me in what i do at my home ,should guide me how should i raise my son and how should i take care of my husband and should pampare me n this way i wanted to spend my life .........dont know ladies what i am writin g or just throwing my feeling to u all.....pl pl tell me what is happening with me ,is it that beacause i am not able to adjust in US enivionment as i am not still successfully able to make some indian or say any frnds and as long time of one year has passed staying in this sitution has broke me down ,will i be fine if we go to india,which we r thinking to go only after staying here for say some 4 to 5yrs ...


    IS anybody facing the same feeling and if yes then pl guide me how did u over come from it....as i am going mad and day by day becoimg dull in all ways ...

    THANKS....
     
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  2. Mythraeyi

    Mythraeyi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi kads,

    I totally sympathise with your situation. It can be hard coming to a new country and starting life anew. Especially if you are on a visa that does not permit you to work. However there are other things you can do to keep yourself occupied. I don't know if you have a drivers licence - if not get one. This will give you a lot of freedom and you don't have to be at home all the time. Most cities have Indian community centers and temples where a lot of Indians get together. You can start attending those and meet people. Try to get some kind of volunteer position - at a local library or elsewhere. This will help pass the time. You can also involve yourself and your kid in activities for children. There are other threads in this forum where ladies in the US discuss ways to keep themselves engaged.
    Hope this helps and you are able to overcome your depression soon.
    Mythraeyi
     
  3. Tulasi

    Tulasi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi kads,
    Nothing is wrong with you. It’s typical for any women who comes to this country in the initial years. Don’t think all the acquaintances are you are friends. At the end of the day your Life revolves around your husband and kid. You can do several things to make your life happy.

    First of all have a positive attitude, don't keep on thinking..Why am I here & what happened to me..etc. if you keep on thinking like that nothing is going to change instead focus that energy to do some things which you can enjoy. go for walking with your kid. Have some goals.. like learn some new skill in the computer there are so much info is available.in the weekends try to learn driving…get some good books from library to read..

    Cheer up kads , you will be fine
    Tulasi
     
  4. Abha

    Abha Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Kads

    Well, you know me and, you know i'm in the same situation as you are, me and my husband also dont have any friends, we live in the same state as you, this place is such that you just cant enjoy, i can understand what you are going through. I have myself cried too much, but i'll tell you there is no use crying yaar.

    There is so much of loneliness here, but i would just say that keep yourself occupied with your baby and husband. You are very important to your family, ur baby and ur hubby need you, you are the one running the family and you are the live-wire of the family. you definitely seem to be very depressed rite now, even i was earlier, and i cant say i'm totally out of it now or not... cos these feelings emerge every now and then... I tell myself its okey.. but 2 days later again i'll be like yaar there is nothing to do over here there is nobody to talk...

    its not that we never try and be friendly to others...we tried making friends but here everyone seems to be using the other person for something or the other and the relationshp is at a very superficial level...

    You know it is a time whne you bond with your husband like never before... also you can give time to yourself... and take care of your baby... definiely talk to your family in India... share with them your experiences... and take things in stride yaar... and PM me whenever you want.

    take care
    ~Abha
     
  5. MeenLoch

    MeenLoch Silver IL'ite

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    I can relate to you kads. It s just been 2 months since I moved here. I too feel depressed at times. But I call some friend or watch a movie or some interesting show on tv ( like oprah's). I get over such feelings. When my husband comes, we go around, to Barnes and Noble or shop, watch movies at theatres on weekends. Also he has 2 - 3 friends with whom we go to temple or have a potluck dinner....So now, I dont have time. Do what u enjoy. As sum1 said in the thread before, a drving license will help u too..
    Try recipies, that s a stress reliever. Then go to gym and work out... I am sure once u are into something gainful, u ll be on ur toes..
    And spend time at indusadies. It s liek virtually meeting so many women...
    Sometimes when i put a exhaustive to do list, I feel I just dont have time for all of that..Go for yoga sessions or learn some new art. I undertsand u have a kid, but do all these prob when he s sleeping or ur husband is home...
    Hope this helps u to some extent...
     
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2007
  6. Nivedi

    Nivedi New IL'ite

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    Dear Kads,

    I do'nt think there is much for me to add to what has been shared by Mythraeyi, Tulasi, Abha and MeenLoch.

    I went through the same and even now time and again I go through this feeling of emptyness. I visit the local library every week. I walk to the library, so that takes some time, then I spend some time reading and walk back home. I used to live in a pre-dominantly desi community and even then I could'nt make friends. Like what Abha said, friendships here are meant to be for a purpose. Atleast you have a little boy to spend time with. I have no children either and you may call me mad.....but I talk to myself often! :cry:

    Cheer up Kads!
     
  7. naazneen

    naazneen Junior IL'ite

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    Dear Kads,
    No, no,no there is nothing wrong with you. Your reaction to the isolation you are feeling in the US- Really its very normal. I have been here 7 yrs. I remember my first years, I couldn't even get out of bed before my husband got up. I would purposely sleep till late so that the day would be cut in half and soon (evening) my hubby would be home. After 7 yrs and trying every trick in the book of "trying to make friends" here. I can tell you one thing, you came here with the most social card "your son". BUT- but you have to learn driving-its not very difficult at all. If you drove in India- its a breeze here. People follow rules and regulations :) okay in the meantime- find out bus routes to get to the local library and community center. Yes they will be long but it will be worth it for yourself and your son. Besides its okay to go out of your way 1 or 2 times a week. Here libraries have playgroups for children and community centers have activities too. Also your son will be eligible for preschool if he is toilet trained and if you guys can afford it. Thats a fab way to spend time-sometimes they even let you spend time in the same school as your child. Once you attend them(library,community centeretc) regularly(regular is key). Your son will make friends, then you will make friends with the friends mommies :) tada!!
    Be patient, I know I'm trying since 7 yrs and ironically I came across IL only a few months ago. So now you have 2 things to your credit.
    Do you feel better already? pretty please! :2thumbsup:
    Another thing that helped me here is joining a book club- find out Barnes and Noble and again the library. Whatever the book club is just join it.
    Don't limit yourself only to Indian ethnicity friends. White,black and Latina people can be amazingly open minded and you will be surprised to find how easy they can be talk to. Ofcourse its just like in India- you don;t get along with everyone- keep looking.
    Lastly when you do meet people you are talking to, try and talk about common interests, initially when I was here I found myself talking about Indian restaurants, arranged marriages etc while these things are very familiar to us they are fascinating and alienating to people of other ethnicity. They will take interest initially but it just reinforces the differences in us. Try to talk about bringing up your child-they can relate to that, talk about Indian recipes while asking them about their recipes. Discuss TV shows-you know common stuff.
    Please take care of yourself- do one thing you love to do every day. And look forward to the outings you have planned for the week. Slowly but surely things will improve. Look at me I'm a work in progress! :bangcomp: haha!

    All the best and until then there is always IL. :)
    ~ Naazneen.
     
  8. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Kads,

    You are not alone...all of us go through this depression - some more, some less...I know how bad it feels when you go through it...my first year here in the US was unbearable...I would never ever want to go through that phase again...

    I came here 7 yrs back and I still have a feeling of loneliness inside me...some days its intense and some days its less...the friendships that form so easily and deeply in India seem so hard here...

    As others have suggested, the best ways to fight depression and loneliness are:-

    (1) Occupy yourself - with hobbies, reading books, learning a new skill, join a dance/martial arts class etc. You can also check out the local community college for more info.

    (2) Become a volunteer(other than libraries, there are numerous shelters, foster kid homes where help is needed. All you need to do is find them). With the holiday season coming up, there are innumerable organizations that need help.

    When you help others, you will feel better about yourself and the world. In the process you'll meet new people also...breaking your monotony and loneliness.

    (3) Try and meet new people. If you keep waiting for others to come and dig you out of your loneliness, you might have to keep waiting. Go out for a walk in your community in the evening..smile and say hi to ALL the people you meet...you might meet a desi or two with whom you feel comfortable enough to engage in a conversation...take a step forward...somebody else might be also waiting for a friend...you never know unless you make an effort.

    (4) Why don't you try to organize a get together in Phoenix of ILites? There are several people I think here from that place, including Abha above.

    (5) Try to find a day care for a couple of days for your son...those 2 days - go out and work on the above mentioned things.

    (6) On the weekend, plan to have an outing somewhere nearby for your family.

    Meeting new people will help you in overcoming your loneliness.

    Please make an effort, for both your son and yourself...because your continuous depression will affect him also.

    Take care and all the best...*hugz*
     
  9. sunitha

    sunitha Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Kads

    I thought you told me a few weeks back that you were planning to learn driving...what happened?Since your son is already in school now,you should not waste any more time wondering whether you should or should not learn driving.It is kind of a must here ...you know that,don't you?

    Even if your husband is not able to drop/pickup your son from school sometimes,your driving will come to your rescue....so just go for it.

    Actually,I was a bit surprised to see your post regarding loneliness. When I came here,my son was 2 yrs old too and till date,I have never felt loneliness or depression here and I thank my son for it,he keeps me occupied. Believe me,having your child with you especially when you come here for the first time,really helps a lot.And God has blessed you with that,isn't it?

    Many of these things are psychological,you have to bring yourself out of this mind-set.If you always keep telling I am lonely,I have no one,then you will only get more and more depressed.Try and think positively.Start everyday thinking like this-OK,so what can I do different today and do whatever interests you the most.

    Are you interested in crafts or needlework or painting? Visit your nearest craft store even if you are not interested.You will be amazed at the variety of things available for one to do.

    Life is precious...think positively and everything will be fine.:-D
     
  10. kads

    kads Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot all of u for quick reply...
    Thanks mythraeyi
    Tulasi u r right,i have to behave strong instead thinking lot about the going things.

    Thanks abha for ur encouraging words, i will surely pm u when ever i feel to.
    Thnaks meenlaoch n nivedi a lot,i am trying for driving license desperately,first i use to think after getting lost in things will i be able to do anything,but after reading naazneens post found driving very easy...Here in phoenix there r not much indian community but i have to do something for myself now..thanks all of u.
     

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