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Depressed with being a house-wife after having been a successful career woman :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by JazzyJazz, Jun 29, 2013.

  1. JazzyJazz

    JazzyJazz Silver IL'ite

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    Dear All,

    Especially all women who chose family life over career and bid good bye to their career. Do all of you feel happy with the decisions you have made? I have about 5 1/2 years of work experience in the IT industry and has to resign mainly because my DH is onsite for long term and now am happily pregnant too. I don't always feel low but at times - especially when I need money to buy something or want to help my parents at times of their financial crisis or scenarios like this are when I feel terribly pathetic and helpless. Well, I cannot blame my DH completely, he allocates a small amount as pocket money for me every month which is sufficient enough but today I asked him for some more as I feel like spending a litlle more on myself as I am preggy and would like to eat things I like and he kind of refused asking me to spend what I have first and then ask again if needed and that we'll see then types. DH leaves to office at morning 9 and is back at 9 pm only. I am not allowed to join any leisure(free) classes which are little far away from my house as DH is scared(MC history) which I feel is understandable, but then he was always like this, he feels very insecure sending me alone anywhere(even when I wasn't preggy). With time and patience I have won over his confidence to go around with few Indian ladies near my place. I feel that I have completely lost my identity post my marriage, I stay at home all the time, and have to look forward to him for any silly expenditure even and its depressing. Now he doesn't want me to work going forward to as he wants me to take care of the kid and family and claims that to be the only and main woman's responsibilities and my MIL would give a lecture for the same as she quit working post wedding too. If I bring up my issues he says that he is already have a tough time a work and I am torturing him. At least he has a work place, friends, etc, what do I have? Who else can I turn to? I am just not able to cheer myself up. May be its my hormones which makes me cry even more but then this thing comes up every now and then? What do you friends do when you'll face such scenarios? I cannot break my wedding or walk out of this as I am from a normal middle class family who respect the society and their stupid values.
     
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  2. Dovahkiin

    Dovahkiin Silver IL'ite

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    Were you feeling this way even before you were pregnant? If not you might be suffering from pre-partum depression. Anyways, the good ladies here might be able to advise you better. On another note, do you hate being in this marriage and only sucking up because of social mores? I mean, I am just curious about how people consider as marriage more of an inconvenience they have to put up with, than something they want.
     
  3. Vishnupradheep

    Vishnupradheep New IL'ite

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    Do u and ur Husband love each other... If U love each other tell ur problem to ur husband and if he is not convinced go for counselling. If u both don't have love and respect, U better decide weather to be in this relationship or not. Don't think about society.
     
  4. upavi

    upavi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi

    My 2cents. Enjoy ur pregnanacy first. Think that u r blessed by gods grace, think of people who r in ttc. Talk with ur baby, do story telling to ur baby. Spend time in taking good care of urself now. All always some comprimise ll be their with husband.

    I understand being a career woman, suddenly depending on somebody is eeks. Untill ur delivery wait after that u convince him for going for job.
     
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  5. Radical

    Radical Silver IL'ite

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    Hello JazzyJazz,

    I can understand you completely, as I too live in UK. I came 17 months back. I am too depressed. I have 8 years of Experience in IT industry, but what's the point I couldn't get a Job. I came to UK a year back with so many dreams, but now everything looks so dark. My DH is very supportive, he came here as a student, got distinction, but struggled a lot for a job. But finally got a good job 3 months back.

    During this period I struggled a lot, even though I had freedom to spend..I knew his situation.. how can I peacefully shop anything.
    Whenever we go out, I never used to eat anything or not even look at any shops. I can't believe its me. In Blore when I was earning, I used to shop like crazy. Every weekend we used to go out...movie, lunch and shopping was a fixed weekend plan..after coming here to UK..we sometimes just go for a walk.

    Now we are planning for baby, once I am pregnant...I can't work for atleast 2 years....sometimes I feel did I come here to just wash, clean and cook :(

    Above all this, in entire UK, I don't know anyone to even call and speak. Loneliness is killing me. My DH work 8 to 8. Trust me sometimes my jaw pains as no one to talk to me for the whole day :(.

    I am sorry I din't help you but told about my depressing story. Sorry again
     
  6. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    What happened to the money you earned and saved during the years you were working? You could use that for some of your personal expenses without having to ask your husband if you dont feel like to for some things.

    I think your husband must be making you feel uncomfortable this way. I hope he will sense how you are feeling and try to make you feel comfortable regarding finances.

    Look at it this way - it is a man's duty to provide for and take care of his family. He is not doing you a favor by giving you money. It is his duty. If we women were born and raised and live a lifetime of sacrifices and hardships, divine force has been fair at least in this one thing that no matter what a man is expected to work and earn and support his family forever. Sometimes we women should be smart and take advantage of this.

    Enjoy what you have for now and things may change in a year or two. Regarding what husbands say or do or want it is never permanent or etched in stone. Lots of things change with time and convenience and needs. The same man who tells you today to stay at home and take care of kids will ask you to work if he loses his job or runs short of money.

    As for loneliness and feeling you have no life, if you cant go out, cant u invite people over for lunches dinners, maybe you can ask him to invite his friends from work and their families. that way you have a social life because really internet relationships are not a substitute for face to face time and connection with people.

    Bottomline dont stress yourself too much, 3-4 years down the line things will change. And whatever situation you are in right now is not permanent. Why 3-4 years, it may change even next year.

    Aamrapali
     
  7. cutemonster

    cutemonster Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi jazzy

    Firstly congrats for your pregnancy and wish you healthy and happy pregnancy:) and relax these things happen to all of us. No one breaks their marriage for mood swings in pregnancy :)
    I had a good career when I married and had to relocate to a new place and on top of it my dh had to travel frequently so I took a decision to spend some time with him and planned for a baby. There were few ups n downs(mc, clinical pregnancy etc)
    Then by gods grace I conceived and was advice rest by my doc so anyway could not work.
    I was happy being a homemaker as I had worked long hours before so this break was nice and I enjoyed cooking, reading books , pursuing my hobbies and shopping .
    Yes money can be little issue but then I did not have issue like supporting my parents so what ever money I spent was on me , dh and our home and my saving were better than dh's savings so I could always use my money.
    My dh never pressured me to work or stay at home. He left the decision on me , so maybe it was his support that in laws could not interfere. So I took a break but I know I can't be a SAHM all my life, I will start my work by next year when my baby becomes bit older.
    But yes I will admit that in the end of first trimester when all that nausea was disturbing me and I was craving for some comforting home food I missed my mom terribly and would become too emotional. Our hormones also work overtime to make us suddenly happy and suddenly sad:) even though mil was nice n caring but I was getting depressed and irritated n wanted my mom. So you see all this emotional pendulum thing happens with most of us.
    What I found little odd was that dh refused you money to eat stuff you like. For that I would say try to increase your monthly allowance by telling him that now he should give allowance for two people:) .
    My advice would be forget about mil , who knows tomorrow she only would say , you need to work to contribute to family income;) , first n foremost think what you want. There are lot of women who work hard and raise kids nicely. It is not like stat at home mom only can take care of kid nicely , no. What you decide should be your decision and something forced by mil or husband. Then only you can be peaceful.
    About your question, how to cheer your self, I would say pursue some hobby. Do you like to read, can you rent some books every week to read.
    Learn a new skill like crochet , knitting etc . if you have computer and net connection , you can read some e books , learn more about your pregnancy n join some birth clubs.
    I can just say that a happy mom makes a happy home and for that you need not be a SAHM and enjoy this free time till you have before the baby comes as after the baby you won't have time to think anything. Although having a job is good and gives us some financial independence but it can't guarantee that you will be allowed to use the money as per your choice without any interference by in laws and husband. A working woman might not be independent and a stay at home woman could have a say in financial and family matter.
    So don't worry, we all have pregnancy blues , just try to make a conscious effort to stay happy for your baby.
     
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  8. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    JJ,
    congrats on being preggie.the emotional thing you are feeling can be harmonal so just bear with it,it will pass soon.

    what happened to all that savings you did when you were working?this is the right time to use it if you have any otherwise in future remember to save whatever you can manage.

    you really need not join any hobby classes.being in IT you must be knowing that you can really learn anything online.sites like youtube,pinterest are really helpful if you are that inclind.

    as someone mentioned,forget what MIL say & do waht suits you.if your visa allows you can very well work but remember the childcare is very costly in UK.just see will it be worth working finanically.

    lastly having worked for 5-6 yrs you feel lost without having structure to your days.but instead of feeling depressed(which is again normal in pregnancy)feel blessed.you are getting time to concentrate on yourself.make full use of the time you have.
     
  9. JazzyJazz

    JazzyJazz Silver IL'ite

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    At times yes, but not all the time. Its not complete inconvenience too. It just gets too complicated at times that I start worrying way too much. :(
     
  10. luckyme

    luckyme Silver IL'ite

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    Dear jazz,

    I can understand that u r sad about losing the financial freedom...In my opinion what u r experiencing is the more of a result of pregnancy hormones....don worry it will pass....the uk weather could be adding to u ur woes...enjoy the summer sun whenever it comes out...

    First, think of the little soul and be positive and happy to be a happy mommy..second, make a list of things that make u feel sad...discuss that with dh n find solutions together

    have u ever been to the library there..if not, pls go...u can take as many books and CDs etc as u want...and u can spend time there...they generally have activity for kids on certain days...just go and watch that...

    even in the NHS hospitals , u can do so many things voluntarily..pick some pamphlets from there and check....u could do something for short duration which is not too strenuous...if nothing else, get urself a bus pass and everyday go for a ride around the town centre....

    There are lots of Indians out there..ask ur dh to introduce u to some of his colleagues and make friends with their wives...

    Well I have lived there for almost 2 yrs on assignment...and I found there were a lot of things to do...u might just have to find them :).... If I was around I would have come to cheer u up :)...

    I have also had a pregnancy ( though sadly it ended in 12 weeks).....I was so high on hormones ...and I was confused what was happening with me...I am a strong person but I felt terrible on certain days ...without any reason i felt like crying... though all i wanted was to be happy and enjoy the pregnancy...so I can vouch hormones have a big role to play there...

    Don't worry..it's a phase and it'll pass....u can go back to work once the baby allows u to :)...u can work on dependant visa in uk..so it's much easier there than it most other countries....

    God bless u
     

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