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Depressed to the core!!!! Want to Die soon

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by msmm, Mar 6, 2010.

  1. msmm

    msmm New IL'ite

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    Hi

    I am silent reader of this forum past 2 yrs.. today this midnight i want to write all those i m getting thru from 1 st day of marriage..
    I am from very normal middle class family my husbany is middle class too after marriage he got very good job and now are leading luxurious life..
    Abt he .. he is good person but very bad husband.. what he knows all is just his safety, and world no 1 selfish.. very moody .. and home bird.. dont want to open window atleast in the weekend.. from day 1 he never cares abt my wish n opinion.. just treated me as a machine.. dont know how to make me smile, all the times he wants hot,fresh food 3 times a day.. never compromises in food.. he wants very spicy n hot and doesnt like outside food.. i like sweets very much but he didnt show any interest when i prepared sweet dish.. ok i adjusted

    he doesnt want to take my outside.. even to the honey moon.. if he is in good mood take me out very very rarely ok i adjusted

    we were in another state due to his job but whenever he feels bore to stay iwith me!!!!! he suddenly calls her mom and booked a ticket for me not even asking 1 word ..ok i adjusted..

    i stuggled a lot in the time of delivery after that also suffered from post partum depression ... another problem is my kid is very very hyperactive and cries all the time without any reason 1 and 1/2 years i didnt sleep well but he never cares abt me and my kid and didnt give any emotional support too... ok i adjusted..

    weekly all the days i have to cook what he likes.. no other option.. i like outside food as i tried of routine cooking and lot of times i begged him to take me outside for food.. but never cares.. coz he doesnt like.. ok i adjusted..

    after 4 yrs of marriage we came here (US).. after that i m daily crying and depressed all the times i just want to break all the items like hysteria patient bcoz of his negligence.. sometimes. he speaks well rarely take us outside... from morn to even i m waiting for him.. and as soon as he entered home he asked me 'have u did anything usefully or just sit '??? i broke down totally every time he asked... and just doing work like robot went to bed...

    another problem is if i go to bed at 10 he will come at 11.30 or 12.00 only never care or think abt me .. 3 months once just have sex very mechanically .. i never felt happy.. in those.. i begged him countless time pl come early to bed.. i will wait for u.. i need to talk atleast dont want any physical relationship when he is not in mood... but he never cares.. just sit before tv or laptop...

    my parents are not rich so sometimes he helps.. i feel very happy abt that... but my happiness is a price for that?.. everybody in india thinking i m living like queen no more disturbance and lot of free time.. etc etc..

    ok socially i m living somewhat well but personally?

    dont i deserve to be happy?????
     
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  2. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    You are feeling lonely and you need attention. Your husband appears to be an introvert. Why don't you try engaging in some adventure sports. This will eventually let out all the steam. You need to go for more aggressive activities that will let out all the subdued energies in both of you.

    Check out in your state for biking, kay-kaying, hiking, wild-water rafting. These activties are both physical and mental. You be the leader in organizing and ensure your husband comes with you. Perhaps, you can leave your child for that one day in some day care. Both of you will have adequate space and distraction. There are some drama therapies. I haven't attended one myself. I have heard that in that therapy session, the participant is expected to assume a role and talk about the role. This lets out a lot of negative and positive energies. Think laterally.

    Your son must be engaged constantly. Perhaps, you must talk to parents that have hyper active children. This will help you identify a suitable solution.

    Finally, always remember there are people in this world with bigger problems. You must feel like ending your life only when you have an incurable disease that's eating you by the day, an irrepairable blemish and something that's beyond our imagination.

    Your problem can be easily solved. It needs some lateral thinking and a lot of leadership skills. You need to make friends for yourself. Go to the local library, invite some friends and make new friends in your neighborhood.

    How is your husband otherwise? Is supercilious, abusive? Based on your post it does not appear that way. He's an introvert thats all. Life has a lot to offer. Just think for youself what you'd want to do and how you'd want to do them.
     
  3. sowmyar

    sowmyar New IL'ite

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    I think the crux of your problems is a poor self esteem. You say you 'adjusted' to several things your hubby did, many of which were insensitive at best. First off, why did you feel the need to adjust? Just that your husband provided a 'financially stable' life, or something more that he offered? I think you should take control of your life, not by 'begging' husband or crying and getting depressed.

    Here is what you can do:

    1. Hire help: See cooking is something many women learn to take as part of their lives, BUT asking you to make 3 full meals a day is too much. You say you like to eat out, so why have you made it a routine to prepare only home-cooked meals - only because he wants it that way? Sometimes men need to be shown we women are not puppets. Have you tried to take control of the situation - hiring a maid, ordering side dishes once in awhile etc?

    2. Caring for kid: Have you thought of keeping a part-time nanny, considering you are financially well placed (oh, btw how is your financial status/say in the household income?).

    3. Get out more often: About him not taking you out, have you tried making friends? You could arrange playdates with other moms so you can get out during the day with kid in tow.

    4. Intimacy: This is something you have to work on. Most married men take sex as their prerogative, and as a means to pleasure not as something to build emotional connection. Considering your hubby is so distant and detached, do you even think he is going to come early to bed so you can have some endearing pillow talk? Initimacy is less about what happens in the bedroom - more about what happens out of it. If you both are emotionally distant sex is bound to be mechanical. You could for instance make exclusive time with hubby, share a romantic dinner (even if it is at home - hire a sitter), take interest in his life. Work on your relationship 'outside' the bed, and then look at how your love life improves.

    5. Empower yourself! This means don't make yourself a victim - don't talk of dying and all! No more begging for attention, asking hubby to take you out/dine outside, asking help raising kid, asking for intimacy or demanding happiness. Do things that make you happy. Get help with things that you can't handle of your own, get a part time job or develop a hobby, and let hubby see you have a life of your own aside from being 'wife' and mom. You definitely deserve happiness, so make it yours!

    Hope this helps. Do keep us posted!
     
    Drpreethis likes this.
  4. sirilu27

    sirilu27 New IL'ite

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    Dear msmm,

    I can totally understand ur situation.But please donot think of such extremes like dying etc. atleast for ur child, u have to live. Just try to make friends and keep urself engaged always.Go to library, take up a hobby like singing,dancing or any other class.In US, we have the luxury of doing whatever we want.Just explore the place you live in and get involved.It will keep you occupied and your life will look more enjoyable.

    Cheers,
    sirilu
     
  5. ras09

    ras09 New IL'ite

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    Hi Dear,
    First of all, dont ever think about suicide and other things like that.
    I think your husband is selfish man who just take care of himself.
    Why are you so worried abt him? Do you have any friends in the city?
    Start diverting your mind from your husband. Be strong..
    Dont try to be adjust all the time. Let him adjust anytime.
    Stop cooking one day... and when he will ask then tell him straightly that you are not maid.
    you deserve things in life. Stop doing all the things that you used to do.

    Its better to move out of the marriage like this than suffer. Come back to India if possible,
    Take some job. if you can do some job in US then its good.
    Spend your day in job and tell ur husband that u dnt have time for cooking and all..
    You have to stand for urself rather suffering.

    One thing is very weird, that you said that u husband used to get bored with you and send you back to his mom..
    what kind of husband is he? he gets bored living with you... how come...

    Better take stand for your life . Give your husband ultimatum. But he is nt ready to improve then better walk out of this marriage.
    He doesnt deserve your tears.
    All the best and keep posting here..
     
  6. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    In addition to what I posted, many-a-times women must be more enterprising and outgoing. This helps them at the home front and the work front too.

    You need to improve your self-esteem. IMO, not eating out, you liking sweets and he not liking them are too trivial. Yes, husband and wife are two different people and there is no assurance that both of you will have similar tastes.

    The best way to improve your situation is develop the skills that you have always wanted to develop. Don't expect him to identify the genius inside you and hold your hands at every stage. This just does not happen in many cases. As long as he doesn't hinder your development and your activities you are free to do what you want.

    If you had wanted to learn some fine arts do it now, if you are good at something go ahead and educate others, these will bring in a fresh perspective of life.

    You are in the US and you are a home-maker. Show interest in cooking, housekeeping, bringing-in a playmate for your son.

    Cooking 3 times means: Bfast, Lunch and Dinner am I correct? I'm sorry to ask this question, isn't it natural in any house hold to cook (reheat)3 times. Is he demanding desi food all the 3 times?? Change your life style. You need a serious life-style change.

    If you want your husband to treat you seriously, bring-in a change within. That is something only you can work on. If you explicitly display your emotions and show that you are affected you will eventually be treated only as a joker.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2010
  7. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    I thought it was without consulting her he brought his mom to live with them whenever he's bored. OP have you seen this movie Mitr. I think your situation is similar.
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2010
  8. msmm

    msmm New IL'ite

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    dears thank u so much for ur valuble replies... i feel much better .... feeling light too... i read all ur lines...u girls are awesome.. understood what i meant... thats the one i need from him.. he has to understand my feelings and what i m getting thru..

    i m going to sleep with light hearted.... u all give me peaceful sleep this night... :hatsoffBow

    thankssssssssss

    sure i will update...
     
  9. divs

    divs New IL'ite

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    msmm,

    Feel better. People have given you some good suggestions here. Life in a foreign land can get a bit lonely and depressing if you don't have a job or some social life outside of your family routine. In my opinion, you absolutely need to make friends and have a life of your own. Create a system where you can satiate your desires without depending much on your husband. A good place to start would be the local community forums started by ladies residing in different cities in the US. Give a shout-out to all IL members in your particular state/ city and make friends with them. Rest assured you will feel better once you design a life for yourself. :)

    I agree with CanWait here. Your problem can be solved. So cheer up. Good luck! :thumbsup
     
  10. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    msmm,

    After reading your post, I think your biggest problem is your depression. You should get out of depression first, before you begin solving your other problems.

    When in depression, your mind will not work at its best and hence will lead to negative thoughts like dying. There are many other less fortunate people than you in this world. When they are able to make it, why can't you?

    Be optimistic. Try Yoga, meditation. Go to temple. Pray to God. .. .. .. Anything that helps ease your mind. Seek medical help if necessary.
     

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