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Depressed...need advise

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by swasal, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. swasal

    swasal Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear all...I need help and advise from you all. My son is 16 years old. I have only one child.
    My husband is short-tempered and was very strict with him from the beginning. I always used to support my son but I was very careful that he doesn't do any mistake so he doesn't get shouting from his dad. So i had to keep nagging him. This was going on without much problems...He was very good in his studies. We shifted him to a better school hoping he will do better there. But his studies graph was declining there. He told me he will manage his studies by himself, so I also let him do by himself. But for the past one year the problems has escalated. He did very badly in his 11th grade exams and has to repeat his class.He is sad about it but I feel he still hasn't understood the seriousness of the situation. Now again i have to sit with him for his studies. But his attitude towards me has become so bad.He has become a rebel towards me, he doesn't talk back to his father as he is scared but to me he is so blunt and harsh. Shows no respect. I try to keep quite but something or the other irritates me and I start yelling and crying...He talks back to me for anything and everything i tell him or advise him. He says we are the worst parents while his friends has such good parents. Hearing this from my only child is breaking me...He needs my help in studying so I cannot just leave him according to his wishes...as he has already messed around for a year and lost a year. I am feeling so depressed and unwanted. My son is my life but he doesn't show any love towards me. What can I do............
     
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  2. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    It does happen with teenage boys. Don't worry and I too have problems on and off with my kids. You being calm is good. Your husband being angry doesn't do any good.

    Ok, regarding his slack in studies, it is high time you find some person to teach him the lessons, either by private tutorial etc. The reason he is irritated is probably because of his poor performance at school.

    Remember one thing, not all kids are alike, and you should know your child's weakness, I meant in studies. Which areas he needs help and so forth. Focus on that areas and try to get him help. Sit down and ask him whether he is agreeable to have some extra coaching and give attention to his studies.

    He is angry because his friends probably are doing well and he feels that their parents are helping them, whereas not only is his dad is showing temper, but he feels neglected. I am not saying you are neglecting but I presume that he might have been thinking like that.

    BTW do not point out why he was detained in his same class etc, try to boost him and encourage him that he could do it better and that he needs extra hard work, that's all. Moreover both of you ( including your husband) don't get depressed but try to cheer him up and focus your attention on him.

    Take care,
    Vaidehi
     
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  3. swasal

    swasal Bronze IL'ite

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  4. leenarajaryan

    leenarajaryan Silver IL'ite

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    @swasal, I agree with @vaidehi71 it happens with the teenagers often. If you look back when you were growing you will notice that we too had somewhat such hatred feelings towards parents in this age particularly. Again not in all cases this happen. Try to be friendly & check what is he missing in your relation. Try to convince him that it is not only him & other his friends also may have such issues.

    I have a 15 year son & he too sometimes behaves weird with me but i try to find the problem by discussing it with him. I take him for outing wherever he likes such as mall or food outlets or enjoy watching movies which he is interested (or bribing you can say) & then I try to find his area of discomfort & solve the issue. Nowadays kids are becoming more stubborn & sometimes aggressive too. Its becoming difficult to handle them so I think it is that we have to change ourselves to get adjusted.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I read your posts here and in the other thread. Remember to keep taking time to calm yourself down, to vent to somebody who will listen, and to just do something that relaxes you, or at least distracts your mind for at least half an hour at a time.

    Many parents of teenagers go through this stage of "let him do by himself" - out of desperation, or due to thinking "let's try this also." Very hard to go through this stage - we know chances are low that kid will manage by himself, and yet we know we have to let him try it for at least a few months.

    This is a part you have to pay attention. The news that he has to repeat the grade has been received, has sunk into, and each has reacted enough to it. Now, don't keep reacting to that the entire school year. There is something positive about repeating the grade. Focus on that. Maybe some parts of the curriculum he can breeze through?

    Ideally, dad also should not keep reminding the son that year is being repeated. We watch dialogs in movies where parent berates child mercilessly... we simply cannot do that in real life.

    This is a natural wish in a parent - the expectation that child will/should demonstrate sufficient remorse, regret of what happened, and resolve to do better. Unfortunately, it almost never happens. The teenager and his brain are not really equipped to fully comprehend the seriousness, and of their parents' frustration and despair. Perhaps that is just as well.

    You need to process your disappointment, sadness and deep sorrow at the year repetition (must seem like end of the world at times). You need to process this yourself, and with that processing having minimal impact on your child.

    You have to work out a method by which this studying together can happen with less battle. One idea: rather than continuously sit with him, decide on a task he does for 15-20 min, and you come back. Alternately, every 15-20 min, you go out of the room for 5 minutes. Or, if reviewing a lesson, decide which part is easiest, and he can review that by himself.

    In a 'normal' parent-teen relationship, parent can afford very few such moments of losing it. In your case, it is almost not allowable. You simply have to get a hold on yourself.. no yelling, crying, in front of him.

    parenting is seldom for the faint of heart. cut down on the drama... you cannot afford to spend your mental and other resources feeling sorry for yourself.

    Stop going on about that messed around and lost a year. That 'needs my help in studying' - think well about that help, and come up with a method that has a chance of working. Involve him in designing that method.

    For the love of God, stop this drama. This is not the time to think about how unwanted you are, and son is not showing any love. What can you do? Be confident, super-confident that you have always done your best by your child. That you too are human. Be willing to learn from what seem to be mistakes. The academic year is just starting? Plan out some schedule, involve child, look into whether external tutoring is worth the time and cost, and take it one day, one week at a time.

    If you don't have a close friend or relative to vent to, you can do so here. Post your feelings, thoughts, and get the help/empathy you need to get through each day, and each week.
     
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  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    now why are you depressed @swasal. i think you need to change the way you look at your son. yes yours is a single child family and you are pouring all your energy, resources and everything that you have got into him, to the point of obsession, that even small things now look big.
    take a time out from your only focus. get a hobby, read a lot, enjoy other things. just stop giving your son 24x7. live your life a little.

    .
    the whole combination is a disaster. you and your husband should have a say in everything with regards to parenting. you can have opposing views but need to be on the same page without giving out conflicting signals. discuss things and act accordingly..it is not that one is on that end and the other is on this end..(like your husband will be very strict, so you compensate for that by being extra careful. girl you set the style..now you are tip toeing or walking on eggshells around your son too..)

    .

    OH boy! kids from tweens don't respond well to nagging..oh mom!what else she is going to do , she is going to shout or nag and do what i want.
    .
    What is better school. what do you want the school to do..by 8th no school can make a child do anything..and we are a generation that is over sensitive to anything so much that most teachers are scared to say anything. so may be his earlier school was good for him. while he lost his interest in studies in the
    "better school".

    I can so relate to this issues. my son is in the adhd spectrum. while most of his classmates go for tuitions he refused, and when we asked him for reasons, he said that he cannot follow the school and tuition together. what some of them can do after reading once he needs to do it at least 4 times sometimes.. so we gave him the choice of doing it his way. and let me also be clear, i am not worried about marks. for me it is more about knowledge and yes it is a bonus if he can do well. i know i know that the scores matter a lot, but for me it does not matter more than my son and marks matter to him because of his ambition. (just sharing another pov so that you can analyse yourself)

    Seriously if you really want to see some improvement, i think more than your son, it is the both of you who need to understand.

    the boy is sad, his attitude towards you is bad..you can only see that but just think. he is 16, all his classmates move to another class, while he repeats the class, and he must be feeling so embarrassed because of that (esp when there are girls in the class, no they need not be close to him, but it still matters..because it is that age). he maybe feeling he has the right to be angry with you. he is frustrated, he does not know how to release that anger, the disappointment, (you people seem to keep him under tight rein)

    hugs to the confused kid. you have all along been his voice and punching bag. and he is hurting.not that i say his not showing respect is right. i am just saying at this point let it go . i know it hurts you as a mom..but then he is hurting too..be the adult here.. you can rant and vent to someone or just go into the bathroom and scream and yell whatever releases your anger..and don't pent it up.


    i do understand. so give yourself time out and just move away. stop nagging, stop giving instruction, stop everything you keep doing for him other than the basics for few days. let him understand that you are hurting too. let him realise and come to talk. then both of you talk what you feel..why you are behind him. talk to him about your fears that push you to want him to excel..ask him about his anger, his fears and frustrations. if he cries, or accuses or does both let him be done with. just give him a hug and move forward. sometimes what we think is for his best may not actually be doing good for him.

    .
    My son said amma you are bad, i wish i had a better amma when he was 8, he was actually angry about something, him being hyper and me being the firm hitler mom lol.. this is what i did..I smiled and joked and said " well i am what you get, but you are welcome to go out and find a better amma and if they are ready to adopt you i am willing to give you away" and went on with my work..(I felt bad but just had to be stronger at that point..as i believe mixed signals confuse them) he just came back and said, i will adjust, and you can't give me away. lol..what days..


    Maybe a talk and a firm table and a little help and not like you sit with him over his head and make him study. tell me honestly will you be doing this in college. you can't be there 24x7. let him learn his responsiblity..give him a choice to take his decisions..don't make all his decisions, that he resents and thinks you are the people who have spoiled his life..if he is not already there. he is grown up, he is 16, talk to him about your concerns about his studies, treat him as the grown teenager that he is.

    @swasal sometimes, it is very hard when your kids behave in a way. nut then it is life, and it is one of those phases that just goes unnoticed for some while it is a tsunami in others life..so just go with the flow..be stronger.

    and stop feeling he is my only child. whether it was by choice or by default you have a single child. thats it. it is not something wrong. (I hope you are not one of those from the old style who say "you are my only kid, so i pamper you got you everything and yet you are doing this" if so please stop..don't stifle a beautiful relationship so much that your son wants to escape at the first chance he gets. these teenage phase however horrible it turns out also stabilizes and cements the love, the friendship and relationship between parents and children. work towards that..

    I have one advice, just because you love them and do things for them, you cannot expect them to love you back. it is a choice we make, to love our kids unconditionally, if and if they love you back the same way we are blessed, if not it is fine. so please stop investing too much emotionally into your son. it would make your kiddo's life and yours very hard and tomorrow, i wish your dil or you don't go to the relationship forum discussing the son/man..

    and lady let me warn you, you need to start weaning off from your son, or you will find it very difficult when he leaves you for college.

    kids find it easy after a few months as they have their studies and friends that will take a lot of that space and it would.
     
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  7. sugamaana07

    sugamaana07 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello... Please be patient... do get get depressed or get hatred.. its all going to worsen the situation...

    Every parent especially a mother faces this problem with the son during teen... In fact, I have posted in TAMIL one essay on the TEEN AGE SON...

    With my experience I give below a few things to follow.. please check on the same ...

    1. First do not worry about your son being harsh with u... that's natural during teen and will automatically change ones he matures..

    2. Kindly keep him away from his friends... if possible try to disconnect the phone lines so that he will be under control..

    3. Please give him positive quotes on how studies will lift up his life in future... tell him very politely initially if he refuses to listen just keep on telling him strongly too.

    4. Please do sit with him and nourish him through out and keep on encouraging him saying that he can do it..

    5. Try to keep his mind away from his friends.. tell him its not his friends who is going to come with him forever and only the parents who will... even if he does not listen you keep telling him.

    6. You be bold in what you say and don't let him boss over you..

    7. You tell him how much you and his father cares about him and his life if most important than anything in this world.. ask him to sit for few minutes and think over...

    8. Pray, it will surely help u... pray in front of him and keep him informed its all for his good.

    9.. Surely every thing will be alright... do not worry.. ALL THE VERY BEST FOR YOUR SON AND YOURSELF..

    Regards

    Mythili Ramjee

    .
     
  8. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    I agree to disagree that a teenager will be harsh with the mother..sorry it can be a temper tantrum or a frustation once in a while..but it is natural makes me think why?? why is that we think it is ok for a teen to be harsh with the mother while being scared of the father..i think this thinking gives the boy or girl the wrong model to emulate. Respect the parents and adults is something that has to be cultivated and so is sorry. the kid comes back to say i am sorry after his mood changes..

    being firm, but being calm, being attentive to what he is telling you and what he is not telling you is more important.
     
  9. sslkgpaa

    sslkgpaa Gold IL'ite

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    I had to drop 1 year after 12th to clear IIT-JEE while few of them in my circle got in in the first attempt. During 11th and 12th they went to a different coaching and since it was very far from my house my dad didnt allow me to join. I didnt talk to my dad for a whole year for this. I was to scared to say him anything but I was soo angry on him. If my mom would try to ask anything related to my preparation for next year, or if she tried to console me, I would just yell (she was the easy prey). When next year results came I didnt even mind to tell my dad, he got to know the results from my mom. Now I hate myself for behaving that way. I realize now that my safety (coming back home in auto/rickshaw at 9pm for a girl in UP) was more important for him than my engineering college or branch.
    In short I want to tell you that let him take out his frustrations the way he want. Falling behind the peer group is the worst thing which can happen in this age. Dont console him (saying its okay or you can cover up) it will only add to his frustration, he will get more irritated and will shout more at you. On the other hand dont berate him saying he failed. He will hate you his whole life for saying that. Stop doing any drama before him, doing that you will loose your authority. Right now he is not able to see your tears. He hates his dad for being strict but not helping him, and hates you for not standing for him and yourself. In life when we fail miserably in anything, we need to put the blame on someone, otherwise we cannot move forward, let him do that. Gather up your courage. Let him say whatever he wants to say without counter arguing, just listen patiently with eye contact (no feelings)and you will see he will stop when he has no more to say. Say hmm..Ok or any one word affirmation to what he was saying all the while and leave the room. He may not sound reasonable or you may not get any pointers.
    Next try to give him the means to study well. You studying with him will not help. Even if you are a PhD you cannot help him by studying with him. Get him someone of his class who can co-study with him. Find a coaching which has very few kids with good teachers. Right now he cannot see you as his teacher. You need to play a different role. Dont confuse him playing dual roles.
    See what subjects he is behind or difficulty in getting through, arrange good exercise books for those subjects. While studying I would hate my mom or dad to keep an eye or read textbooks with me, as that would not help me a bit. Infact after middle school parents can help only so much in studies. They should only provide guidance and keep patrolling (lol). There is a different emotion/connect with teachers and different with parents. You may be a very good teacher but not for your kids.
    I dont have a teenager nor I know how boys of this age think nor I was the only kid. I am sure all these play a big role in understanding what is going in his mind, but I feel I was there once, where your son is now, and can feel what he is going through.
     
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  10. sslkgpaa

    sslkgpaa Gold IL'ite

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    This post made me look at you from my mom's perspective. She would say all nice things to cheer me up. But I still yelled on her. She would keep on saying that I scored better marks than my friends in board exams and it also matters or that I got good rank in state engineering entrance exam. Whatever she would say to make me feel good, it cannot cover the fact that I failed the exam which put me a step below my friends.
    I needed that "because of someone else i failed" to accept my failure. Now when I think back probably if she had said that the coaching was far and dad cannot pick and drop you every day (you see the blame goes to my dad now) I wouldnt have said a thing to my mom.
    Give that one reason to your son. I have seen students who fall back and rebound so nicely and some who fall and never recover. Dont let him get stuck to his failure.
     

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