Depressed, guilt ridden and confused?

Your first para reminded my past. It was almost the same when we were getting introduced to each other prior to marriage, and then how MIL suddenly changed, commented bad on my looks, family, religion and all when she was asked to initiate formal marriage talks with my family. Typical MIL drama.

You were not wrong in any of your acts. It doesn't make sense to me, why someone needs to feel guilt for being abused?

You are the one who is abused here. Your MIL abused you. If at all, one needs to feel guilt, it should be SHE. Not you. So, stop worrying.

But I wonder, why would someone feel guilt for this? There could be 2 possible reasons that I could think of.

1) Your DH makes you feel so, by reminding the incident or by his act. Like he feels guilt for sending them by indirectly accusing you.

2) There is something missing in your post. Either you forget to write or purposefully avoided. Apart from raising your voice and threatening to call 911 when THEY fight with each other, perhaps you have done something more-serious, by word or action to chase her away. So, the guilt remains in you.

If not both, why worry unnecessarily.. Enjoy their absence till they come back with another drama.

 

OP, you are lucky to have a husband who is understanding and does not fall prey to his mother's emotional blackmail. There is something wrong with her as she is choosing to verbally and emotionally abuse you. I doubt she loses any sleep over it. So why should you?
You have done more than enough to fulfil your duty as a DIL and so has your son. Everyone is right, you should stop feeling guilty and maintain minimal contact with her.
All the Best.

 

I think you have not done anything wrong - we are all humans and there is a limit to our patience. Try to distract yourself and give it sometime to solve by itself. Your mil should realize her fault on her own. But continue to send gifts etc like earlier and let your husband talk to them regularly. I feel things will get better soon once your mil realizes that she needs u as much as u need them as parents.

 

u have nothing to feel bad about.. atlast u have the spine to stand up for urself..

stop sending them gifts.. they don't deserve it... yes they do deserve respect as they are ur IL's, but they have lost that status long ago...

just be happy and keep ignoring them more.. that is the best way to deal with BAD people...

 

overbending might be a fault in some ways but being friendly, trying to bond and show politeness is never a mistake, you did do so to make her relaxed that she wont feel threatend. A good Mil would never use a Dil who tries hard to connect with the family, she would say with a wise smile sweetheart as long as you stay true and loyal to my son im happy too, no worries and she would appreciate your tries to be friend and close to her... with a bad Mil it doesnt matter what you do, it will never be enough.

 

Dear Op....if the curses of mil really worked then most women including them(they too had mils ) would be always unhappy.

 

Well it was your fault. You showed her in the beginning that your self respect is negotiable. And you paid the price for that mistake.

Please get over any guilt that you feel and don't repeat the mistake again.

 

I actually don't think you did anything wrong per say — not even the beginning where you tried to take the initiative in establishes a relationship with them prior to your marriage. The only thing I'll say to you is that you've been too patient and accommodating given her behavior with you at home...and you need to stop feeling guilty and depressed or holding yourself accountable for her instability and insecurities.

I would not see that as a mistake on your part. Your actions and efforts are probably precisely what has helped your DH (and FIL?) be supportive towards you realizing that you're trying to no avail. Had you been cynical, aggressive hostile or immediately spiteful...I doubt you would have had garnered nearly as much support from DH, which I'm very happy to hear is supportive of you.

From what you've described, the fault is entirely with your MIL for bending out of shape without due reason. You did whatever was in your limit to do and I believe some of us need to know that we tried our best to have peace of mind about things if they still don't wind up panning out. Now you have no doubts in your mind that "I should have tried harder." Now you know it's not you, it's her. No doubts in your mind and now your DH or FIL can't say to you that you didn't try. You have the liberty to do what you feel is right without having to bend over backwards to accommodate her given her rude behavior. Now that you are convinced about how venomous she is, keep your distance and avoid engaging with her unless you want to.

As for her ranting out to your relatives about what you did/did not do, let her. If they are familiar her antics, they'll probably have a good idea of what actually happened. Even if they don't, who cares? Maybe you will get the opportunity to spend time with them and let them judge for themselves. In the meantime, focus on your family and yourself.