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Depressed, guilt ridden and confused?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by leftpost, Jun 25, 2014.

  1. leftpost

    leftpost Senior IL'ite

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    Hello guys

    I have been following this forum from past 6 months and finally decided to share my story here .

    I share a very messy relationship with my in laws that deteriorated further after their stay at our place for 3 months. Since mine is a love marriage, my DH introduced me to my in laws a long before our marriage. Me and my in laws stay in different states, but I tried my level best to build a good positive relationship with them( by sending flowers on mother's day, father's day, gifts on birthdays and anniversaries). I planned a visit to their place every 6 months to meet them so that they get enough time to know me as a person. Initially things were good between us, but they started going haywire when my DH asked them to now finally meet my parents and fix up the wedding date. My MIL's behavior suddenly changed, she started criticizing on my looks, caste, my family and always found ways to humiliate me over the phone or whenever I went to meet them. She even got down to a level of snatching menu card from my hands and not letting me order anything when I went out with her relatives for a lunch. I kept quiet all this while and bore everything silently because I knew that mothers do get insecure and she will be fine with the time or I can win her with my patience. My parents did all wedding arrangements and PILs didn't even bother what's happening on that front. 3 months before the wedding she called and asked me to either reduce my weight in this short time or post pone the wedding. I told my DH(fiancee then) about this, He said just do as she says because she is just finding ways to get a reaction out of you or your parents and stall the wedding.

    So I went ahead did everything she asked me to do and still getting brutally humiliated by her in front of my SIL and her other relatives. As my husband is settled in US so we had to stay only for a week at his parents place after wedding. She again kept on taunting me for the week but I didn't react to her at all as I didn't want to leave for US ona bad note with her. The day we had to board our flight in the night and we were leaving for the same. She came angrily out of the kitchen and started shouting at me saying " "I will come and stay at my son's house every year for 3 months, Don't think that will be your house. It is my son's house". I felt so insulted because my SIL, her husband and other family members were there. This time I couldn't take it and told my husband that I am going downstairs. At the airport she started crying profusely and the drama of fainting, still keeping all bad vibes aside I hugged her and bid good bye. Her stupid behavior didn't end, She taunted me on each phone call that I used to dread saturdays. I still sent gifts for her reassuring that we have not changed.

    She createdlotof misunderstandings between me and DH over the phone, messages or something else always creating tension between us. Now, she and FIL visited us for 3 months. This time my husband told me that don't listen to her crap and give it back to her politely, if something happens I wil tackle. I did lot of preparations to make her stay comfortable, planned every weekend out for them. When they came here, I took both of them out for shopping, but within 8 days of her stay,she started taunting me on being ugly, how she is repenting saying yes for me, she cries everyday if something can happen now( indirectly she meant that we should seperate). She said this consecutively for 4 days but I always changed the topic
    to ignore any kind of confrontation, but she made a very bad remark on my family, and their background and I couldn't hold myself.I gave it back to her in a high voice( i know i am wrong here). After this ,I called my husband and toldhim everything. He came home and asked her why she said all such stuff about getting seperated and me and my family background. To my utmost shock,she said I am lying with a plain face and started putting allegations on me. When she saw my husband is not budging and still demanding an explanation from her, she ran towards with me in a fit of rage "I wont leave you, you want to take away my son, you area liar" etc. She charged at me not once but thrice,she could be only controlled when my FIL locked her. I completely stopped talking to her after this and only used to talk to my FIL for food or any other thing. She made lot of friendly gestures towards me but I rejectedall of them and just kept on doing my duty. we took them out as planned for trips or other weekend getaways, I got photos clicked with them (since she was concerned that all relatives will ask her about my absence fromthe photos). a week before they were suppose to go, one day my husband was home too. she started banging the vessels (broke two plates, glass) eyc ,so my DH asked herwhy areyou doing this? She tells him that we have not fulfilled our duty, asa daughter in law it is my duty to absorb whatever a mother in law says. I have worked very hard to educate you, now I needed someone on whom I can takeout my frustration but she doesnt talk to me. she started accusing my husband for doing love marriage and they got involved in a huge fight. I just said that I will call 911 if you guys wont stop shouting and howling, and breaking otherstuff. On this my MIL says prepone my tickeys I want to leave right now and gave a glare full of hatred and said you have taken away son, god will never forgive you. My husband in a fit of rage pre-poned their tickets and sent them back the next day. She told my husband, she doesn't have any kind of relationship with me. I don't know if this problem.aggravated if I answered her back orignored her friendly gestures after thefight. I never wanted them to go back like this and since then I am so guilt ridden and feeling depressed. I could have stayed silent as always but that would have ddeeply impacted my mental health. Am I bad person for raising my voice on her and then.threatening to call 911. I feel, I amthe reason behind their going back to India a week early. Now she will make me a vamp.amongst all the relatives. I am just too depressed:(

    Sorry for such a long post but had to vent out somewhere.
     
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  2. god2014

    god2014 Gold IL'ite

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    Why do you get depressed, she has something in her mind and behaves so weirdly. No wrong in you, alwasys we cannot control our anger, once it reaches the upper limit it burst out. don't feel for her, she is upset of something, not telling what exactly what its is. simply doing such nasty things of breaking plates, shouting at her son and dil will only put her in distress. Be happy that she left soon else you have to be posting daily of your woes. so always staying away is the best option. Though she would make a big drama never bother just ignore.

    She must not be so rude just becoz she thinks you had taken away her son. All mil feels insecure after getting their sons married, its nature. so you dont feel sorry at all.
     
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  3. Vijaya@17

    Vijaya@17 Silver IL'ite

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    Do not worry too much over this. At least you are away from them. Be happy DH on your side. Think of something positive.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Your biggest mistake here was bending over backwards even before marriage....doing everything to please her.

    The Anaconda mil....:coffee

    Wow...just wow.You are lucky this happened in front of your husband and fil.They got to see the ugly person she is.Your fil should have locked her for good.

    :eek:mg::eek:mg:

    Are you crazy.....she is the one who brought it upon herself .You have been far too patient.She is the junglee mil who needs to be kept under lock and key.

    Please stop being so nice to people who don't deserve it. Cut her out from your life.Let husband deal with her. You maintain good relations with your poor fil who has to live with that crazy one.Don't call them to your place unless there is acceptance of fault and repentance.

    You will never get respected if you continue to take abuse.If you go through the forum...you will realize that the ones who managed to get respect from in laws are the ones who stood up for themselves and refused to be abused.
    Good luck OP.
     
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  5. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    This itself should absolve you of guilt. Are you sure you should be depressed and confused about not agreeing to be your MIL's punching bag ?

    As for 911, very soon your neighbours would called them. And if there was broken crockery lying around and a hysterical old woman, your husband at least would have had some explanations to provide. It's good that you mentioned 911 and quelled her hysteria, even if it ended in your PILs leaving for India early.
     
  6. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    You have not done anything wrong. Rather you have tried your best to impress them and make them happy. If they are not satisfied with your look that is their problem. No one can change his/her look right? even your mil cannot change her look in case any one is not happy with it.This is absurd.

    As far as her weired behavior is concerned. I have learned from my own life that there are people who are plain control freak and dictatorial kind of persons who just cannot bear to see that another woman has entered her son's life and is becoming more important to him than herself everyday. They are insecured of losing their authority over their son that makes them jealous and mean minded. Let me tell you no amount of reassuring will help.I have tried all..loving, praising, hugging, gifting, involving in all creating a sense of belongingness etc.Your very presence is disturbing for her and you cannot do anything about that unless you break up with your dh. I have seen such mils who have eventually got their sons divorced.

    So do not have the slightest guilt. You are not responsible for anything. Any one in your place would have caused the same damage that you have apparently done. Any dil, any other woman entering her son's life. And as far as your calling 911 is concerned, you have done nothing wrong by saying that. It was just your way of saying that things are going beyond normal level. And you did not mention only her you mentioned your dh as well. She is not a child not to understand it. She did not understand because she did not want to understand. MILs never want dear.

    My mil strangely out of the blue makes me responsible for each nd everything gone wrong under the sun..when i am not even involved..earlier i used to feel outraged and confused and and tried to analyze with logical argument. But that never helped. It only earned me worse name. Then i realized that she is blaming me not because she thinks i am the one, not that she does not understand, but simply because she loves to heave all blames on earth on me. Because she hates me. Same in your case. MIL hates you BECAUSE you are her son's wife. NO one can change it dear. My mil cursed me that my son will also leave me the way i have snatched her son. You can understand how i felt. BUt my dh consoled me later and said You have not snatched her son from her, she has isolated herself from you and your dh in an attempt to snatch your husband from you..

    So be happy. DO NOT think about her. YOu are blessed to have your dh's support. Do enjoy it and enjoy life.Take care
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2014
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  7. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Whatever done is being done.. IMO, you have been sensible enough in handling the things and have endured enough..But there is a LIMIT to everything..!!

    Let her do whatever she wants, badmouth you, cry foul etc etc.. Just maintain & strengthen the relationship with your husband and divert to other issues of life. There's no point in feeling guilty over foolishness of other people..!!
     
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  8. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    OMG !! :eek:mg: .. the heights of insecurity of a mom losing a 30 year old baby to a stranger alien from another state.... Good to know you survived the ordeal !!!
     
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  9. adimad

    adimad Silver IL'ite

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    Couldnt agree more with this advice.

     
  10. RedRuby

    RedRuby Platinum IL'ite

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    It is still astonished she seriously burst out so much that she this evil plan!!!!!

    "She tells him that we have not fulfilled our duty, asa daughter in law it is my duty to absorb whatever a mother in law says. I have worked very hard to educate you, now I needed someone on whom I can takeout my frustration but she doesnt talk to me."

    Unbeliefable but really fortunate concidence she told this in front of your husband! Your Mil seriously admitted that she planned to torture you and shower all her frustration over you to make your life misserable and you still think about your piece of fault in this????
    Sweetheart, you did all and much more then you could do, be glad that your husband and Fil saw her real face and she told all those things and throw those tantrums in front of them. You are really lucky to have a supportive husband whom protects you, even from his own mother. That is a real gift (not that it shouldnt be like this but its unfortunately seldom the case).
    Keep a cordial relationship, let him talk to her and handle her tantrums, stay cassual. The only thing you can feel sorry for is your husband that he is "cursed" with such a hysterical mother who has difficulties to see him happy and uses emotional blackmarks about his education.
    Dont speak bad about her or towards her, be the bigger person but dont bend yourself too, just stay emotionally distanced, thats it. If she one day realises her mistakes she might come back and seriously really MEANS it, then you can try to start all over again with her. This last time it seems she DID NOT mean it, the guestures where just acting, otherwise she wouldnt have said such things during the fight with her son.


     
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