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Depressed And Confused In My Marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by adisum, Jan 11, 2021.

  1. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Op
    You are in a much better situation than you think..No kids and u have a job..I m not saying u are worried for no reason but u shoulx not feel suicidal and depressed. Give some time to your marriage..Improve your relationship with your husband.Firmly tell him that u wont take abuse from him..I know its not easy if nothing works go for temporary seperation( dont tell him its temporary) so that he realizes your value. Never pass any remarks to your MILin front of your husband . Try this and then decide where this relationship is heading.
     
  2. hrastro

    hrastro Finest Post Winner

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    No need for any spycams, Hopi !! Oh the MIL was THAT predictable!!
     
  3. adisum

    adisum Gold IL'ite

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    will follow your advice drdiva. will it be fine if my mother talks to my husband in general that she talked to me and i was sounding sad as if something has happened. i want to do this so that my husband and through him, my mother in law knows that i have my parents at my back .
     
  4. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Do you really think your MIL is a person worth dying for ??

    I understand that you are feeling hopeless because of your situation. There are many better and easy solutions available to you than taking your life for some crappy person.

    If a relationship is depleting you to the point of losing yourself completely, its time for you to consider alternatives for your own good.

    Do something which is good for your and what you think right. Don’t care about society or for that matter even your family. Only you can be a better judge about the situation you are in. Sometimes not even your parents & siblings will (can) understand you and your ordeal. You have to stand up for yourself even if the entire world is against you. You are your own friend. Help yourself please.

    Look inside of you. There will be strength. God has equipped us enough to deal with all the nasty surprises and uncertainties of life. We women are very strong than we think we are!! Just believe in yourself. Your better life is just a perspective away. Take a decision which improves your situation. Let go of the relationship if needed. There are no kids involved. That is a blessing in a away. There are many women who are living in lifeless marriages just because of children. You are a working woman and independent with no children from this marriage. Life is so much precious to be wasted on someone who mistreats you. Please do yourself a favour. The only person who can help you now is YOU, YOU & YOU.

    Nobody has to support your choice, if at all you choose to leave this marriage Temporarily or otherwise. You a working, so figure out your survival post your choice. Prepare and plan and just do it. But remember, you will do whatever you do for protecting your life and sanity and not for teaching any lesson to your H. Prepare for the worst and do not expect that you H will miss you and come to you. That might disappoint you and lead you to regret your decision if something doesn’t happen as per your desire or expectation. Whatever you do, you will do it with just “you” in perspective and objective.
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2021
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  5. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Yes u can do it and it will seve that purpose ..but major vhange will come when he knows u can take an extreme step as you are earning and self dependent .
     
  6. Desiindian

    Desiindian Gold IL'ite

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    Adisum,


    Tuhadiam sariam kosisam da bugatana Kita javega...
     
  7. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,
    I remember your old posts. This MIL issues was there even before your marriage. Sorry for your current condition. If you dont want this marriage, you have the option to seperate. But I guess, thats not what you want.

    What do you want? Do you love your husband? What is more important- your marriage or winning over MIL. You win when you have a great life with your dh.

    Look like your full focus is on MIL. Does she deserve that? You are crying, arguing, finding fault with whatever or explaining...( it will repell your dh) for what purpose? You are simply wasting your time and energy on some one who dont deserve it. This is exactly what your MIL want. She wants to control you, make you unhappy....etc.. so that she can find reasons to blame or manipulate your dh. Is that what you want?

    Your husband- what he can do? He is between the devil and the sea. Have you ever thought about it? If both of you are important to him then he can't take a side. You can request him not to talk against you infront of others, but he can share whatever he wants when he is with you. Be firm on it.

    But if MIL or dh can't do anything, what you will do?
    First accept that you can't change an old ,sick woman or a moma boy husband.

    Change the way respond.
    * Focus on your life and career.
    * accept that you are DIL not her daughter and she is not your mother only his mother. For her,her son will be important.
    * you have standard, dont lower that to MIL' s level
    * consider MIL as sick woman and dont take anything to your mind. Dont take it seriously. Accept that you can change it.
    * call your friends or family, but talk only about your life, interests, positives and not about MIL, the more you talk, you will be negative. She dont deserve your time.
    * do whatever normal things you do as part of your responsibility. Dont take any extra effort.
    * dont give the reaction she is looking for- no crying, arguing, complete indifference.
    * if she start verbal or fight, stop what you are doing , immediately walk away to another room or do something else. Your face expression should be neutral.
    * do the same trick she do. Do the same when your husband is in the house. If she yells, look at him and go to another room. Show your good avatar. So your dh should wonder, whats wrong with his mother. So project this good image in front of dh. If she complains about you, look at your dh and give expression, like you dont know what she is talking about.
    * start appreciating MIL to dh. For example you liked the dish she made..slowly your dh will get the message that you appreciate good things and he may start wondering why his Mom complains. Also that you are taking much effort to improve the situation.

    * when dh is not there, completely ignore MIL. If she ask you anything in respectable way, then reply, give the same respect. But if she order or command or yell then behave as if you are deaf.
    * if you want to say NO to MIL for anything, do it when your dh is not in the scene.
    * this step should be done carefully. This is to improve you. Install a voice recorder in your mobile. So whenever you need to talk to MIL, record it. Later listen to it to see how it look like. Is it the tone or way that create issues . Delete it after listening.
    * if your mil verbal abuse you when your dh is not there and if she elevate her abuse even when you are silent, then tell her that you will record this abuse,if she dont stop it. But dont do this infront of dh. Be careful with the above steps.
    * by the end of the day try to calm your mind , think that MIL dont exist, stop complaining about her. If she is very possessive, dont show much affection to your dh infront of her. But once you are with him, shower your love and build intimacy. This is the departments your MIL can not compete. Make your married life stronger and better.
    * if there is any physical abuse, dont stay there. Verbal and emotional abuse also cause similar pain. If you can't take it , decide your next option.
    * have a discussion with your dh, tell him, you will stop arguing if he stop interfering in this or blame you infront of others
    * introspect your own actions and improve wherever you can
    * accept that MIL will be important for dh, but she can't replace you.
    * any changes take time for others to notice, so have patience.

    Remember very well that reacting emotionally won't help you. So use your brain wisely. We need a mature outlook and approach. Stop all those negative reactions, that will drive dh away. Go for a positive approach.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2021
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your friend can start a very lucrative business offering lessons on her technique. :tonguecrazy:
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    @DDream has given very nice points. please read and think on that for some days.

    please do not involve your mum with your spouse, men have egos and it can turn quite ugly.

    please understand, mil is not the issue . your spouse needs to be neutral or with you. you are his family and rest are extended .

    self respect is very important. please do not ignore that.

    you must be respected otherwise after 5 years again you will come IL asking how to divorce. but it cannot be won through fights either. you need to be smart in siding your spouse in thinking you are the prime and that does not you are again mil.
     

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