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Depressed And Annoyed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by dhivyacc, Jan 11, 2021.

  1. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    I am very much depressed.
    we were in Chennai and we around October shifted to hometown for simple reason but due to other reasons stay extended.
    My spouse stays in his sister house with his parents (parents hav separate home 15kms apart ). due to health issues.

    Even my dad is having health issue so only we came from Chennai and I stay in my moms place with children.

    its been 3 months , i was ok to stay but since after discussion this weekend with my spouse i was so depressed.


    I thought he is staying there in to take care of his parents. yes, they also were corona +ve and with that mild attack so he took them to frequent hospital visits. now they were not ready to do angioplast.

    They were ready to goto their home.
    he is having one more brother too but he is not helping like this.

    i went to new year without invitation as my spouse stays there, they dint treat me/ sons well and i also felt uncomfortable.

    again they continued hospital visits and i was back to my moms place.

    my spouse b4 marriage bought one home and loan is over. the rent and the house are managed by my FIL.

    I asked my spouse to shift the home from chennai to CBE. i also went there and saw, it was without maintenance around 15 years. i asked him why rent is going there and why no maintenance etc. but no use. so in this week i discussed with him and also his relative (distant brother relation) is a civil engineer.
    he said he wil help to renovate with minimal steps.

    so discussed and asked inperson also to give overview of renovation.


    He during that time said , why we need to vacate and why we need to disturb the rent.
    both my mom and ur mom house are there , we can stay , in that way i can save rent and expenses and all.. in turn it will be a good investment and am planning to buy some cultivation land. I am not sure its good idea, but as soon as i hear, I got pissed off... will a married man count food and shelter cost also.

    he lavishly spends for all others and including himself. he has no stress for these 3-5 months . i agree that he is in hospital visits. they got corona because they wantedly went in bus multiple trips and in cabs .. etc to their daughter home and fro.

    No one is caring and including his parents and he also dint care to stay separately.
    But my concern is lets renovate n stay in cbe own house , the builder said it s of 1 week to 2 weeks to renovate. but he s not even ready to go inperson to see and suggest the changes.

    my parents are asking , why even for a word he dint ask to come there and stay for 2 days atleast, which made me feel even more worse. I asked simply to him if u need any money let me know if i need to arrange. for that too he said, no, everything is taken care by insurance.

    am confused in this stage . he works for IT . we even spend below moderate only. pasangaluku sapadu podrathu + house ku kanaku sonnathum , ipa antha own house ku poganuma nu enaku guilty feeling a iruku.

    He paid the loan , at the same time I work and take care of half of expenses + children school fees.
    we never used the rent amount but ipo rent poga poguthu nu he is asking another alternate in upstairs for the tenant. i said , i wll give the same rent to ur dad or whatever his dad expects.
    Also i wil take care of renovation costs as well, in that time his ego raises.

    tell me how should i deal with it?
    My idea is anyway this is the right time to switch to hometown - I informed my managers that i will work from cbe, she said i cant confirm but i can help speaking with when situation comes.

    Also from his project , one person is working from cbe.
    i cant change school during 9th or 10th. means we can but it wil be risky, if for 8th he switches, it shud b ok.
    as he stays months without guilt of separation of family , so i feel now how i can manage with job kids all alone in chennai without any support / help.
     
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  2. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    IMO, you should go back to where you came from and wait for your H to come back too and start living with you.

    Living separately for prolonged periods and your H appearing to be used to it & content is not healthy sign. First, work on that. Property renovations, who pays what can wait.

    All the “if you need money let me know... I will give the same rent to your dad... I will take care of the renovation costs.. my idea...my concern ...” only rub the wrong way. How about slipping in some “we”s in the conversations??

    Appears that you are stressed out because of separation from you H, but don’t you think talking about shifting house and triggering the process and all is acting in haste? You are thinking about too many things at a time. Calm down and take it slow. Do not take decisions which has long term impact for a temporary situation. Be patient. Don’t act in stress. Weigh the pros and cons and discuss with you H as to what is best for the whole family. Correct him if his contributions doesn’t make sense. Being pissed off and reacting will only aggravate the situation and you end up achieving nothing.
     
    Madhurima21, dhivyacc and SCA like this.
  3. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    t


    Thank you , it gave me some insight.
    He is not ready to go back to chn, where we stayed.. his plan is to shift things partially to his & my moms place and stay in both the places till situation comes back to normal. After that we can see.
    I asked him if we go back to chn , how the situation will be. for that i already asked houseowner to reduce the rent from advance , by feb end , it will be over and we can vacate.

    he says in this way we can save the money.

    as both working in IT and long calls , we cannot ask them to wait for food, their place is remote, where there is no policy like housemaids. so he explained and got broadband connection for his sister house and my parents house. in that way these two places we can stay.

    But everytime i go, SIL talking like , its responsibility of sons right .. you all take decision etc etc. Not directly but casually. Later if property means all will come and occupy.

    Thats why i asked my H, whether shall we renovate the house little bit and come to that itself. aanyway their parents are coming to CBE for treatment, his parents also stay with us.
    he can also work peacefully. at any cost we lived in Chennai for rent only and thats not the permanent place.

    yes i mentioned to him like we can contribute for renovation, but in my mind i thought like i only have to give, yes they are very particular about money.

    I thought , we can use this time to shift to hometown and settle.

    If we are going back and living in Chennai, it will be tough for me to take care of 2 children without support and along with my work. that too if he stays like a month or so as like now, then I will be extremely depressed. My parents also getting old and they too cant come and help.

    But he clearly says, yes ipa kuda pakalana epdi. I will travel frequently and will stay with them based on need.

    and hence i thought shifting to nearby place will be a best option. But yea taking too many steps at the same time might not be good and I need to consider

    Even after renovation - they may plan in different way because property is managed by FIL and if he says , anyway renovated and let s give for more rent, then my spouse will say yes for his dad.

    Now am even more confused.
     
  4. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Your kids' admissions are also important. Is there a good school within walking distance from your own house that you want to shift to? Find out when the admissions close. You have that much time before you can make the decision.

    It will be difficult to move schools after 8th std. (You said your kid is in 7th in some other thread!)

    You could involve your kids in the renovation - I will put my study desk here or I would love to go out and play in this park after school.....
    Do this only if your DH's family will listen to the kids and do it very very subtly..
    When the kids also start wanting to shift to your new home, their dad might think once more!

     
    dhivyacc likes this.
  5. dhivyacc

    dhivyacc Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you @hrastro .
    Thats were am lagging -- [do it very very subtly..]
     

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