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Delivering 2nd Baby In India

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, May 23, 2018.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP, Congrats!

    Like others suggested, I also think it is better to deliver baby in USA. You get better care here. It is not easy to get US citizen ship, if you want to go back to India, it will not be a problem. You can also request your parents to come and stay with you during this period.

    I think you can use this opportunity as a tool to fix your issues with DH.

    You need to talk to him and set conditions.be very open, but talk in a calm and composed way.

    Tell him very clearly that, whatever may be the explanations you cannot tolerate his anger issues. If he has anger issues it is his problem, he has to work on it ( any counselling ?)

    " My DH had male infertility issue and he emotionally blackmailed me that he will die if he cant have kids. I agreed to go through IVF "

    If he wants a kid, he has to help you in all aspects. Going through all these is not an easy path. You have now to take care of you, your new baby inside, your first one and him plus cooking cleaning etc. Tell him very clearly that you cannot do all these alone and he has to help you with patience. It is known that the stress of the mother also affect the mental well being of your baby inside your womb. So he had to help you to maintain a peaceful home and help the baby grown in a happy environment. If has urge to shout he can go his bath room and shout, not to you. Be very stern that you will not tolerate it anymore.

    "Though he is being supportive now, once my ILs or parents come to US, he will relax big time and all his demands crop up. His food, convinience etc takes priority than mine. I dont know if I am able to explain clear enough"

    You have to tell him that you had lot of bad experience in the past and you don't want to repeat again. He has to adjust with the situation and treat your parents with respect . If has any issue he can tell you in private later. He has to behave like a responsible adult, father and husband during this tough time. You and baby will be the priority not him.

    "He has anger issues and wouldn't spare if ILs or parents or kid is there. He just shouts in front of everyone"

    Ask him if its ok in future if his kids shout at him in anger or misbehave. He has to set a good example if he dont want that to happen. The problem is when he treats you badly, your kids get a message that they can also treat you badly. So you need to handle it with care.

    "My mom wants to take care of me as I am her only child and she is not with me in my first pregnancy".

    I think you can go to your home in India after delivery with parents. You get all documents like social security , birht certificate, passport, PIO/OCI etc within three months. May be you can stay there for one or two months. Also your husband can come and bring back you all as it will be tough to travel back with two small kids. If not stay in US with him. Staying away from for 2 years will badly affect your married life. Also your DH has to do all like changing diapers etc taking care of baby etc.. He has to be part of the journey. Denying kids that happiness to stay with their father is not a good way, I think

    "I am not very good at communicating effectively"

    If so you can write an email with all these points (it should be short as most don't have patience to read) and take a print out to give him in person also. If you don't want to create further issue, you can mention that you dont want to discuss with him if he cannot talk in a calm way. Demand respect & set the boundary

    You can also add the warning that if he misbehave to you (in this critical condition where you sacrificing much) or parents you may consider switching to India forever. If he want you in his life, he has to help you with everything and treat you well with no outburst . Now you and your health and baby should be the first priority.

    Once you set the conditions, if he try to goes out of the boundary, then warn him with a stern look or by talking in funny or jovial way or tell him baby is listening or whatever works for you. If he throw away anything in anger, don't go and pick it,. Let it be there forever. If he throw it he has to clean the mess. you can decide what way you can react, as you are the only person who knows the situation well.

    However, you need more patience and effort to handle the situation. you have take care of everyone, you and home. Make sure that you are not neglecting your DH by taking care of his emotional and physical needs as much you can- he also need to be pampered. You too. Then you can demand more from him. Make him part of this journey by using your brain than your emotions. Good luck
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2018
    joylokhi and blooms4me like this.
  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    So this is just a punishment?
     
  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    He is punishing her daily for nothing
     
  4. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your unbiased opinions. I want to clarify few things here.
    I didn't want to deprive him of the journey. He has a good job which offers 1 month paternity leave and he works remote. So I thought he can spend enough time on and off travelling to India(which he agreed)
    I just got a call this morning that my dad has some health issue for which he needs to undergo a surgery after a month. Being a elder person in late 70's it might be tough for him to recover and I don't want them to come here and struggle in the cold weather which already effected their health last year. Moreover, my mom can't leave him in this age and come not i don't think its adviceable for him to travel.
    And I want to scream out loudly that I don't want my in laws here. But I can't stand up and say that to my husband. I am not in a state of mind or health that I can manage all by myself without any support.
    I understand staying away for such long time is not good but I do see many people who deliver here and go to India for a year.
     
  5. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    It may be punishment for Dad temporarily but eventually it’s a punishment for kid for longtime after 18 years .. after 18 years things may change Dad becomes old will not have same energy to fight but what next ..? can they change the citizenship of the child if the kid wants to study in US it’s a tough situation then ..

    @op immigration rules are strict and diff can change any time .. don’t spoil your kids future .. if your kid asks you in future you are at blame while your husband can say it’s your decision at that time when he stopped you .. you can deliver baby here n go to India for months but not years it’s not good even for kid not getting dads love .. I don’t know how old is your elder one did you give a thought about that .. it’s 9 months only not a big deal .. People delivered even without help but you have your moms help .. I can get your point about your husband anger issues but that can’t dectate or ruin your kids future ..
     
  6. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with most of you that it will become more difficult for me to live with my husband after long gap. But I dont understand why most of the people are thinking that having kid in India will ruin their future. Is the only goal in life to get US citizenship? If they have citizenship things become easy for them? Whats the point? Can't a kid who is born in India prosper in the future? Is Indian environment that bad that we dont want to have our kids there? I know thats not the point of debate here but I am wondering why?
     
  7. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    I get your tensions & stress. If possible get a nanny for 4/5 months close to delivery. Both you,h and baby can travel to India after 4/5 months.( Do you have any rituals around 6th month? Then you can do it from India with all the family) Once your h come back to US,You can stay with your parents for some more time and come back close to baby's first b'day. It is a matter of 6 months. Which he should be able to cop up. At the same time you get to spend with your parents too.
     
  8. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Having kid in India will definitely not ruin the kid's future. But with a sibling who is a US Citizen , the kid will feel the pinch. The goal is not US citizenship . The goal is to give your kid an option to choose. Tomorrow if he /she chooses to become an Indian citizen and forego his US citizenship he can. But if he wants to stay in US he is ensured his life will be smooth without immigration rules hanging on his head.

    The unborn kid will feel the pinch if he/ she is born in India given the fact that his sibling is a US citizen by birth. What comes easy to your elder kid the younger one will strive to get and you never know will get.Do you want your kid to tell you you ruined his/her life. I have done it to my parents .It took me 5 yrs to get GC ( it was 5 yrs ago)and my parents wud have gotten it on the spot. Now its 12 + yrs.By the time your kid will come to age , it will only get worse. Do you want that on your head.

    There are many times in my marriage , where i wanted to up and run to India to be with my family. Ladies here know all the reasons I had. But I didn't becoz I wanted my kid to say i gave him an option. I didn't want to make a choice for him and say you can be born in India. That wud have been the same thing as my IL's pestering us to come to India. Why ? Becoz they dont want us to stay here. Period. No other reason.

    You mentioned your dad is old and wont be able to travel . Then hire a cook and have fresh food delivered according to your mom's instructions. Now many people cook post partum dishes as catering services too.Your husband has 1 month paternal leave. Make use of it. Take plenty of rest and eat well on time. After 1-2 months you can go to India and be with your mom. I was up and about in 2 weeks of time. Of course my mom was here and she took care of everything . But physicially , I was able to clean the room lightly do laundry, climb up and won the stairs. Concentrate on yourself and kid. Rest you can let it slide for time being.Do this for your kid . He /She will thank you later. Good Luck.
     
  9. Jas82688

    Jas82688 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes it’s diff topic ..I can give whole list of advantages of delivering a kid in US .. when you have a chance utilize it that’s what my point is .. we are all born in India but got married n came to US I hope you know the problems of H4 wives they can’t work it’s just bcoz of visa status now they don’t know what’s their EAD status is .. what if they had citizenship or green card won’t they be happy ..?

    My point is what if your kid says wants to pursue higher studies in US n want to settle here will you stop him saying India has best option too ..? So don’t put your self in that position for 9 months ..

    Getting India citizenship for your kid is not a tough task but US citizenship is impossible .. you can still go to India n settle down there whenever you want but the Same way you can’t come back to US without citizenship ..
     
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    From your other threads, I feel you are making the right decision to move to India for 2 years. Your will get to enjoy your life without getting scared of your husband all the time. Your husband also will have time to think over his actions. This will give a nice break for all of you. I believe your happiness is more important than citizenship for second kid. Even if your husband or you get citizenship you can get citizenship for your kid later on. I know so many parents who made the decision .
     

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