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Delivering 2nd Baby In India

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ILUser07, May 23, 2018.

  1. ILUser07

    ILUser07 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello,

    I am here with a new issue. After having the first baby for which my ILs came for assisting, we had so many issues in our married life. My DH had male infertility issue and he emotionally blackmailed me that he will die if he cant have kids. I agreed to go through IVF. I totally saw a new character in my husband and couldn't believe that I lived with this person for so many years. Even if I kept all these issues aside, I felt I could have deserved much better postpartum care if I am with my parents in India. I mentioned this to my husband on many occasions too. And he agreed readily that its all my choice as I am the one who has to go through all of it.
    Now, I conceived again and he is clearly manipulating me by telling the pros of having baby in US. I understand that have 2 kids with different citizenships is complicated. But for me citizenship only comes to picture after they turn 18 isn't it. I can't go through all the hell now thinking about 18years into future.
    My DH constantly asks me convince him. I am not very good at communicating effectively. Knowing this, he is taking advantage of my situation. Though he is being supportive now, once my ILs or parents come to US, he will relax big time and all his demands crop up. His food, convinience etc takes priority than mine. I dont know if I am able to explain clear enough. I might be selfish. But I don't want to deliver in US. That thought itself is making me stressed out. He has anger issues and wouldn't spare if ILs or parents or kid is there. He just shouts in front of everyone. Thats stopping me from inviting my parents here. Why should they suffer?
    My mom wants to take care of me as I am her only child and she is not with me in my first pregnancy. I badly want to go home, stay there till the 2nd one turns 1.5yrs. Which is like leaving my husband alone here for 2 years close. Initially he readily agreed to this and said, for the family sometimes we have to do somethings. After the IVF treatment, once I conceived, his total way of talking is changed. He is like.. how can I live alone here for 1 yr(I dont know why he reduced the duration to 1 yr while we agreed for 2 yrs before). I just have a disgusting feeling that I am being used.
     
    VinuthaS and GeetaKashyap like this.
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  2. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    It is not a good idea to deliver baby in India. Bring your mom this time to assist you for your delivery at least for 3-months. Most males fit in the mold in their 30's, adamant, short tempered, arrogant, especially those who were pampered by their parents "as man of the family". Partially, the working env is not pleasant these days, it is the survival of the fittest world. Where do they show their frustration, at home?

    Think positive, as it is your home and you are running the family. You can hide for 2-years by going to India, but can you run away from this life with 2-kids?

    Being patient and standing up to him, slowly diverting him from his anger / frustration...you may be able to change him, slowly.
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2018
  3. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    Two years is a long time to live separately. It feels like you just wana run away from your hubby. Are you plannin for a separation ? In that case it might be ok. If not, not sure this is gona help. You can as well spend that two years to set him right.

    Mixed citizenship for the kids will be added stress. What happens to the older child? Cultural / school difference challenges will be faced n away from the father.

    Demand that you will stay only if he attends counselling n anger management classes n that he has to get his acts together or you will not return for 2 years or more. If you can't talk to him clearly, write a letter n give it to him with your issues towards his behaviour. Say you don't want to argue. If he agrees, he can sign it n start his classes, or book your tickets.

    Use this energy to fix this marriage if it matters to you, atleast to the level you are happy with. If you want to be pampered, demand it. Say am pregnant, so I come first. Don't back down. Remember, you would have to come back to this again n it will be just the same if it's not fixed.
     
    Bubbles, sindmani and joylokhi like this.
  4. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Bring in your parents for ur delivery to USA..Tell him strictly he has to control his anger, mend his ways.
     
  5. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree with all the above posters. Being away from your husband for a period of 2 years or so, even if he finally accepts will do you no good in the long run. There will always be the feeling that you didnt care enough. The issues u have is real, but it is better to have your baby in US . Just make sure to inform your parents if they are here, what to expect and not to consider any thing outrageous. Since you are agreeing to his terms of having your dly here in US, you can make it clear to him, that you deserve peace and rest with your baby, and expect him to adjust accordingly.
     
    GeetaKashyap and sindmani like this.
  6. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Congrats on your second kid.You are thinking about yourself in this case and not long term. Staying away from hubby and letting your kids not be with their dad for 2 long yrs is not good either way.You will have to start your marriage as a newly wed after 2 yrs. People change. They evolve. Your husband may have changed to a different person by then. Once again you will have to cope with knowing a new person. Not to mention you have to a mom to 2 kids . Can you handle that pressure.

    I think your are being selfish thinking about citizenship issue coming up in 18th yr. One kid born here and another kid in India is not a problem per say. But immigration rules change day in and day out. Our parents had it easy about immigrating here. Our generation had in tough. Now its even tougher. Tomorrow do you want your kid to tell you you ruined their lives. Now every family in India has a kid abroad. It maybe US, Germany, Australia or Singapore. But they do.Your one kid will have an easy way and another born in India will have to tough . Dont you feel he /she will feel bad and angry about the whole situation.

    In our family, my dad passed on all opportunities to come to US on green card. His logic was his dad said no. But seeing how difficult it was for me to get that he now realizes he made a huge mistake. But will feeling remorse help. Absolutely not. Dont make that choice for your kid. Let him/her decide. See come in future if he wants to settle in India that's fine. If he wants to stay here, he will have it easy.

    I will give anything to lose the first yrs of my marriage struggling for green card .All of that cud have been easily avoided. Do you want your kid to also tell the same to you?I remember telling my dad in anger you spoiled our lives.Do you want that too?

    Birth of new baby, mother recovering is a stressful time. Hubbies acting like babies themselves waiting to be pampered is also a normal thing. Suddenly they want to become spoilt brats. My husband did the same too. I am sure many husbands here have done it , will do it in future. This time, tell your husband it has to be your mom who will come and you need her. Next tell your mom to grow thick skin and ignore husband's tantrums.If it comes to attacking the opposite person let your mom retort. Rest let it slide. Take one day at a time. Good Luck.
     
  7. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    The child is equally your husband's. How can you deprive him of his kids and the kids of their dad for two whole years, voluntarily?
     
  8. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    It will be better to get your mother over to US. So that you both mother & daughter can spend some quality time with each other. When your mother is here your husband may also calm down.

    2 years seems a lot and not healthy when you already have misunderstandings and not on the same page!

    It is always good to have 2 kids with same citizenship until it is of no choice. But you do have choice!
     
    GeetaKashyap likes this.
  9. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    well then, he has to behave like a good dad and not torture the wife and her mom who comes to help during delivery of his 2nd kid
     
  10. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    Deliver the baby in USA the next to go to India .. ask your mom to be with u .. see I understand how it is during pregnancy but if your kids have 2 different citizenship u will have to explain the other y and what were the reason .. do it for your kid ..
     

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