Defeated.

The many prescribed rituals may serve a purpose and provide structure and guidance to the bereaved family. Performing the rituals properly can give the people a feeling of control and provide a path towards the new normal. However, let us recognize that the same rituals can be torture for people who are quiet and introverted by nature. Depriving them of quiet when they are dealing with life's biggest blow is cruel. Ideally, people would be allowed to choose which rituals they follow and how many condolence-givers they meet and when.
We live in different times than when the rituals were designed. We now know the importance of following rituals but also listening to what your body and mind ask for.

I normally don't respond to responses by other members as it is up to OP of the thread to take what they want from the responses. But it felt rather horrifying to read "the grieving family is made to run around and not given a moment to sit." I hope that was not the case for my soft-spoken and non-confrontational sibling who handled all parts of my parents' funerals independently.

This social deciding for the grieving family how they should grieve is like deciding for a young man or woman by when they should get married and when they should have children.

The above summary of OP's actions and choices is incorrect on so many fronts.
- OP has not "made herself comfortable in an emotions and memories niche." Rather, after hitting the bottom of a bottomless pit, she dragged herself out of it enough times to post here and to actually find a therapist, fix up the first appointment, and attend that appointment.

- OP has rejected the therapist's advice after talking with him. It is pretty common to have to reject a few therapist before you find one that works for you and that also will work for only a while till things change. About being irritated with the therapist, yes, it can be extremely irritating to give the background history to a new therapist only to have him give you fixes in the first appt itself. At a minimum, the therapist should listen more than he talks.

- OP's analysis of the therapist and whether she benefitted from the appointment shows how strong she is, how clear she is in what she needs next, and how to go about finding that. Quoting:
"The therapist was too eager to make me see or fix things for me.
Talked more than he listened.
Ladies here have been more patient listeners.Less judgemental"

No. She found just ONE therapist to be less beneficial than posting in this thread. She has not rejected therapists as a whole in favor of this forum. You are totally misinterpreting her updates.

Glad to agree wholeheartedly about this.

I think OP is doing fine and taking the steps she has to take. I hope she will retain the confidence to handle her sorrow, grief, trauma or whatever we call it on her own terms and timeline. Feelings like these cannot be neatly sorted out and packed away. They are part of who you are. One learns how to live with them. For me, I have found some ways that work for me. But still, sometimes I can bring up the past, and rehash it aloud. Often, when my daughter achieves a milestone, and after the celebration, it is routine for me to spend an hour or an afternoon talking to my husband about how my experience at that age. Nothing new gets said. He just listens to my rehashing and that helps. Sometimes, I get a little new insight like with reading a book at different times in life.

This rehashing does not mean I am nurturing my grief or proud of it or turning it into a medal of honor or suffering. To be able to rehash and next move on with the day or weekend's plan is an achievement in coping and one way of coping, not a failing.

 

Actually, I do have a problem. I typed the below but didn’t want to engage you or give you any undue attention and derail the thread and hence refrained from pushing that post button.

I’m sorry but in my books this qualifies as dismissive.

Instead of all this analysis, wouldn’t it be better to let the poster know you have no idea what she’s going through? Nobody other than the OP is qualified to opine on the depth of her feelings.

Actually you’ve said it best yourself:

This is exactly what I felt when I read your post directed at me.

I have felt the exact same sentiments and that’s why I continue to come and post for those others who probably benefit from some words of solace. One of the posters who helped me out back then no longer posts here but I have her on whatsapp and even now she sends a message to me once in a while to see how I am doing and giving me some much needed foresight. That does not mean this place is substitute for real life help. I eventually got there. I’m sure the OP will get there too. She is neither the first nor the last person to turn to an online forum for some relief. If you have never looked for therapy this may come as a shock to you but it’s quite common to not find the right person at the get go. Those of us who have been there don’t find this far fetched or worrisome at all.

There is no timeline to stop mourning. There is no expiry date for grief. No elder here or otherwise will prescribe turning a switch off and moving on. A person has to take his or her own time to make sense of their feelings. What seems an inordinate amount of time for you might not be for someone else.
What some people do to overcome debilitating sadness by going out or moving on is just one way of dealing with any sort of set back. That’s not the only way. Taking the time to mourn a loss and not moving on until one is ready is also widely prescribed. Every person deals with setback differently. Someone who has gone through a life time of narcissistic abuse will not be able to turn on a switch and forget about it and move on.

If so then show some empathy. In your post you have defended yourself by saying why the OP made you post the way you did. I don’t think that is the response from someone who is acutely aware of someone’s situation. In fact, I am appalled that such a follow up post came at all.

I feel exactly this. Neither did I engage you, quote your post nor give you any attention what so ever. My entire post was directed only at the OP. Why then quote my post, get defensive and draw me into a lecture on your grief theory?

I am too. And I’m asking you to step down from your stage. You are not helping the OP who is using this thread as a journal. In fact, you are doing the opposite.

I am not interested in debating anymore. I do not have the time nor the energy for that. Please stop.

 

Thank you, godsgp. It's been a while since anyone told me I am wise. Feels good. I took the liberty of skimming through couple of your older threads. There is no better teacher than life, is there! We get the test first and lesson plus preparation later.

 

That's really nice to read.

Narrowing it down is a major step in the discovery and improvement process.

Best wishes.