Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by jmsd, Aug 9, 2022.
I enjoyed this jotting and the feather touch like mother to young daughter!
I’m sorry but you are quite mistaken. This is not grief. I have noticed you have used this term in other posts in this thread as well and seem quite taken with it.
Grief term is used when the relationship terminates or reaches a final end. A breakup or when the loved one is beyond all reach. It is quite appalling, horrible, totally encompassing to experience grief. To put it bluntly your mother and brother are alive. This is just a bend in the road of a long association. There is plenty of scope for re engagement and interaction on different basis. Your relationship with either or both will change and evolve. This is not some final end.
What you are feeling is disappointment. You are disappointed, hugely disappointed. You are terribly disappointed and outraged and hurt. But that’s all it is. You expected something, proceeded on a set of assumptions but realized what you assumed was wrong. You feel betrayed Fine. Take the time to get over it. Over time you will find that either you or they will reach out again and re- engage and slowly a new relationship will be established on a different basis. This is the nature of relationships. They evolve over time. These will change and evolve to. Nothing is final until the Good God makes his decision. Till then we can still act and take decisions.
Hope my post didn’t upset you. If you truly want to heal yourself you should call things by the correct name. It will aid you in your healing.
I did not mean to offend anyone here with my choice of words.
Though the current usage of this word is not limited to one particular context,I regret if it has hurt the sensibilities of members
There is nothing to feel bad about.
It shows clearly that how badly you are hurting .
My therapist encouraged me grieve when I was going through a tough time.It is an actively used word in psychology/psychiatry.
You invested your emotions,life,love,time.And there has been loss.Its alright to have mournful sorrow for any kind of loss(job, emotional loss,loss of time , experience etc.)
When we allow us to that there is "freeing of energy" for positive reuse.
Stay strong.You are doing good.There are no wrong terms here.(I speak from my experience of being in therapy).
You'll blossom again.This time for yourself. Just hang in there!
@jmsd - Don’t be apologetic. One can also grieve the relationship that one did not have. The experiences that one did not get. The loss of the typical parent child relationship that someone yearns for and does not have, it’s just so hard to find words to describe it.
It is soul searing to have someone alive and around and yet have a void that cannot be filled. There isn't a way to share how it feels to mourn that sort of loss. Don’t be dismissive of your feelings but also know that there will be others who never get it. For some it’s just a tiff with a parent what for you has been a life time of deprivation. Be easy on yourself.
You have completely and utterly misunderstood me and my post.
You can think what you like it doesn’t affect me. But how you set up the problem affects how you approach it. If you set up the issue in your mind that you are climbing Mount Everest it affects you more negatively (more tension, worry, uncertainty) than if you set it up that you are climbing a steep hill - it’s tough yes but doable.
Anyway I don’t think you are in a frame of mind to take in or even understand so I will end this here.
I just want to clarify the above perception. It is not that I don’t understand OP or am dismissive of her plight. Actually I ‘m acutely aware that she is in a precarious situation.
I started posting here after reading the recent, later statements by OP. I find them worrisome and alarming.
You may or may not be aware but grief is not something to be nurtured or be proud of. It has long term negative consequences on our lives and our health. It is something that we need to be gently but firmly nudged out of. I am sure elders in this forum will agree with me. This is why we have so many rituals after a person passes and the grieving family is made to run around and not given a moment to sit. The turning inward and sitting with memories is highly discouraged.
But OP here repeatedly refers to her grief, has for quite some time now and most worrisome of all is irritated when the therapist offers advice and has rejected said advice. This is NOT good. She appears to be making herself comfortable in some kind of niche surrounded by her emotions and memories. Subsequently OP has also proclaimed she prefers this forum to talking to a therapist. This actually puts more responsibility on us and on the way we respond to her posts, in my opinion. This is why I made the initial post which appears to widely misunderstood. Hope that clarifies.
I've been reading this thread from the start. The part where you wrote about just unable to make a CC payment, unable to function even for the kids, reminded me of the time I felt like that -- unable to complete a simple task or regular kids care tasks. It's good that you've seen a therapist. That step itself can count as a huge achievement for the first half of 2023. Talked more than he listened is really really annoying. I can sort of imagine how he must have tried to fix things or make you see "the big picture." One therapist I saw actually asked for a list of positives, and said, "See...there you go... no one is perfect. There's good and there's bad in each person and thing." Case dismissed. : )
I hope you will keep up the search to find a more helpful therapist. Now, when you feeling a little better than before is a good time to keep up the search. You have a decent hold on what bothers you and how you feel about that. You are looking for ways to manage those feelings, how to live with what cannot be changed, how to feel a little less distraught when you think about some people and their behaviour towards you. And like you said, how to draw boundaries and maintain them.
Therapy will help you learn a little more about things like disenfranchised grief. When I first came across that term, it was like "where were you all my life?" : ) It refers to a loss that's "not openly acknowledged, socially mourned or publicly supported. It is a feeling of loss that no one seems to understand and that you or others feel you are not entitled to."
In the boundaries laying down area, you will learn things like "you can love your parents AND acknowledge they didn't give you what you needed. Both are not mutually exclusive." You'll realize that people cannot suck the life out of you unless you give them access to that straw. Based on your nature and your family dynamics, you'll figure out how to establish fresh boundaries, maintain them, and how you can keep in touch yet minimize the hurt it brings to you.
You will have to be patient with the process and time this takes. We have decades of conditioning, beliefs and values to revisit and rearrange. Growing up, we did not see or learn that putting yourself first, taking care of your feelings, editing out what brings you pain is OK and necessary. With guided introspection, you will come to know what bothers you the most, and what you can do to live with what is. In my case, that was easy to identify. I only wanted an acknowledgement of the wrong and some answers to "how could you?" "but why???". I didn't get that. With some help, I cobbled together a way of living with that. Continued to do my duty of contributing to their care, but dialled down the relationship in other ways. On my last solo India trip with both parents alive, in the last weekend of my stay, I was tempted to spend the weekend Sat, Sun all at home instead of sleeping at the hotel where I always stayed. For once, my husband interfered in my decisions and said something like, "You are alone there. Stick to the plan. Go to the hotel." So, I stuck to the plan. Spent only 3-4 hours at home each day and instead went and visited our old neighbors. Return flight takeoff at 4 am. I checked out of hotel only at 9pm, dropped by home to say bye for about 30 minutes, and then to airport. Going alone to airport at 11:45 pm was a huge step.
I won't say I know your pain, loss and grief. No one really knows another person's pain. But the category is the same. Laks09's post above summarized it well. I hope you find some peace and that you reach a state where you can think about these things without coming undone. Therapy will not turn you into the most cheerful, confidant and mentally sorted person. It will just make parts of your life related to your parents/sibling easier to live, a bit more bearable. The side benefit will be that you will bring that clarity to other relationships also. You will most likely become less patient with nonsense from others.
You are suffering from trauma than anything else. Read about PTSD/ PNSD/ narcistic victim syndrome ( " feeling numb is one of its symptoms" ). May be you can relate to it.
As your mom and bro have NPD traits, according to you, you need a therapist who understand it well. So, typical therapy wont work the way you prefer. Find someone who can help with recovery from narcistic abuse that led to this trauma. If the current one not working search for more. Healing starts from you. Counsellor alone cant help. I think its good to find a therapost who can understand your cultural background well( Indian origin woman?)
Example: Online Therapy for Narcissistic Abuse
Please take a multivitamine to support you during healing, especially Vitamin D. Usually when one undergo stress, sometimes body initiates negative reaction like autoimmune issues or psychological problems. So you need lot of neutrients to support you. If possible try to do some excercise.
Check this video.
Ladies you are very wise.
I learnt something very important here today.I'll hang around,observe to learn more of the skill you showed.Thanks.
I see that you have been updating your journey here.Its quite like journaling.Its a recommended thing to do.
Will wait for you to share.
ILs are here to listen and help