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Dealing with Toddler/Preschooler tantrums, especially outside the home

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by Pavarun, Oct 12, 2008.

  1. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    Cheerful, is Kiddies table something you follow at home? Do you eat at the grown ups table and let the lo eat at tthe high chair. Then I would suggest you keep at it consistently. I think, in this case, your child's insistence to eat at the grown ups table was a sign of hunger and tiredness. Instead of your DH commanding him off the kiddies table, a gentler discipling tool used here could have prevented the meltdown.
    I am saying this from the perspective of a parent who does things differently from others around my family. I have consistent rules. No throwing books anywhere, be it in grandparents', our house or in the library. I often find people telling me it is alright like as if that's an reassurance. I correct them immediately and say we are enforcing this behaviour at home and would like it to be consistent everywhere. Chucking a book could be harmless, but not a crystal thingamajig.
    K understands that, if he is chucking things, I would look at the reason behind his undesirable behaviour and address it, rather than be inflexible. But people think it is wrong to correct the child in the presence of company - I do not agree with it. When done empathetically and validating his feelings, you will groom your child to be well behaved everywhere, not just in public.
    I would validate his feelings, tell him why it is not appropriate do X thing or want Y and move him to a safer place. He gets a choice, so that he feels in control of things around him.
    For eg: In your case, I would have told him something like this. "You want to eat at this table. You want to be where people you like are. But there are others who you play with at the children's table. Do you want to go and see what they are upto. Let's see what's on the menu there." Take him either by the hand, or race him to the table, do funny things to move him away. Then go to the Kiddies table and see if there is some food that he really likes. If not, I will offer him a choice of a food from the adult's table. I will make a place for him. I will announce to the kids in a big voice, there is someone new to join them, ask my hosts' help in creating another place and have my LO eat there.
    The only place where I will differ with your husband is in the way he handled it. It was insensitive to the needs of your child to be validated and unfair to you. Parenting is not a job only for the mother. Both of you need to work to imbue in your child the behaviour you desire. I do think you need to have a talk with your husband on how you would want to have your rules established. Hope This Helps
     
  2. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    As always how very well written, Krithika. I too agree that in Cheerful's case her DH was a bit too fussy. You are right in saying that parenting is not just the mom's responsibility. I am amazed that a 2 yr old sat quietly at the table and helped himself. Poor thing he must have been very hungry.

    I'd like to share an incident that happened when we went for lunch at our neighbours'. They have recently moved in, from chennai as well. First they were insisting dinner but i know my LO's schedules so i changed it to lunch. So the lunch was late but i had fed him a fat brunch to avoid tantrums. And when it came to playing the host's LO was snatching anything that mine wanted to play with. So LO got very irritated and was shouting, throwing things. I simply took him aside (to the other room) to tell him that he should ask back etc., The second time when we went away for a conversation, the host came and carried him back to the living room saying 'oh it's fine... don't be too strict with him'. I was very much annoyed. And LO was clearly confused. And whenever he shouted or threw toys around the hosts were saying 'oh it's okay let him be free for a day'. See what you have mentioned above is so true!

    Latha
     
  3. Pavarun

    Pavarun Silver IL'ite

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    Cheerful,
    I think in this case your husband overreacted. However, he may have been frazzled and when going to another house, he may have felt that he has to be stern since if he gives it, it will be perceived as a weakness. Regardless, I think the issue was that it became a power struggle with no concern for your LO's feelings. Maybe you can talk to him calmly and establish rules for disciplining - when, what, how and what are non-negotiable. He could very well have said that it is okay for LO to eat there provided you or he watch to make sure LO does not make a mess (since there is food nearby). Once he has calmed down a bit and eaten a little, LO may have been more agreeable to moving to the kiddie table.
     
  4. cheerful

    cheerful Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you dear Vanathi,Krithika,Latha and Pavarun.
    I woke up late today as 'C' woke up three times to take milk at night. He was really hungry it seems.:)
    Also two times he woke up when his he lost one of his socks while he was rolling in sleep.I found it's funny he picks up te socks in the dark and give it to me to help.

    Tikka,sometimes about rules I get confused, I think I should visit this forum very often. Usually luckily our son never created any tantrums or difficulties to me till today except yesterdays incident. He goes to other houses and the only thing he takes without permission is balls and balloons.He is very friendly to kids and adults.Since he does not have many friends of his age in our neighbourhood,so he played continuosly at the party. Though I fed him before he started he got hungry after two hours.

    At home he eats with us at the table on his high chair. He usually a pulls a chair for himself and like to eat with us. Since I am afraid I put him on the high chair. To me he just followed what he follows at home and I have been standing near him when he started eating making sure that he is not spilling.Like pavarun said i thought of moving him after he settled down a little bit. By the time i found out other kids were eating at the kitchen isaland it was too late and distubing our dear host was not appealing for me at that time. Those place was really crowded.But good learning for me and and very mych valuable advice from you.

    Talking to my husband, that never works. If I try to say anything (I say very politely and softly) he replies that "you peope are perfect, you do wahtever you want". Also after yesterdays incident said he said he will not come for any prty in future, I can go myself if i want.I like to go for eh sake of our son. There are days me and my son don't even see any other human being except my husband.

    My husband likes to follow a friend of his in discipling by shouting all the time. To me shouting makes them fearful, they do not understand it properly at this age. Next time 'C' does the same thing when my hubby is not there. He does not do that with me.I have told him running towards the road from our driveway is danger. Nowadays he tells me pointing to the road that "road danger " and he looks for cars before crossing.

    I would certainly enforce more rules and disciplines following you guys. Thank you for taking time to reply and providing me suggestions and tips even before I wake up this morning. It was good to see your replies.

    Love,
    cheerful
     
  5. Aadhusmom

    Aadhusmom Gold IL'ite

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    Cheerful- Looks like you have a harder time handling the father rather than the son :)

    Krithika - As always you have brought a new angle to this discussion...got me thinking - believe me at 9.30 pm and a half-dead mom thats a great achievement :)

    V.
     
  6. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    Frankly, I think your LO"s behaviour has little to do with luck, but with the security/attachment he feels towards you. Your husband, I tend to agree with Vanathi, needs some attitude adjustment. He obviously has the best intentions for the child, but his way of putting it forward is too negative. From what you've said he does have high expectations of himself and his family; maybe he needs to attune it to the capabilities of his toddler right now.
    I know I am no expert even though I pretend to be one, :hide:, but I am wondering if your husband has some unresolved issues from his childhood. Was this the way he was parented?
    You are absolutely right about shouting. When K was around 10 months, I had put him on the booster seat to use the loo. He managed to undo the straps and climb out half way through. I heard him struggle from the loo and ran out; he was hanging from the edge of the seat by his fingertips; nothing serious would have happened, but I just freaked out. I was screaming for him to be careful, the fear on K's face is something I will not forget in haste.
    The logic I will use with your husband is this: A child deserves to be treated the same way an adult guest in your house would be by you. When he realises how special the father son bond is he will want to change. I think you need to gently propel your husband towards that end.
    Sounds like C and you have great thing going now and C sounds like a very responsive child. Hugs to him and you.
     
  7. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Cheerful,

    Your LO seems to be a very sensible child. Don't force any 'rules' and unnecessary 'discipline' on him. My boy is 3.5 yrs old and i'm teaching him traffic safety since he was 2. Even now, out of excitement, he'd run suddenly. I try to be firm only with things that can harm him. Others i try to tell him when he is in a calm mood. Too much 'nos and don'ts' to a child can either make him aggressive or boost low self-esteem. I seriously think your DH needs some parenting lessons instead.

    Latha
     
  8. cheerful

    cheerful Bronze IL'ite

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    Krithika,I have been thinking how did you find this out. My DH had a really bad childhood. His dad was a nice person. Mom is very abusive. I have never heard them talking each other with affection like a normal mom and son. He never visits her also. It is me who visit her often. I think that could be the reason he is behaving like this. Like you all suggested , I can not talk to him about this. He never accepts or agrees with whatever I say. No matter how gently I say it. So I am just doing what I can do.
    I have resigned my job and taking care of C. He is a happy child, very social and friendly now. I do not know if he will change in future.
    My Dh has also changed a lot over the time though I had to make so many sacrifices.( I know this is not the right forum to tell you all these, that's why it took so long for me to reply you)

    Dear Latha, I agree with you about forcing rules and unnecessary disciplines to the little ones. I think that makes them more negative.My way is to bring him up more spiritually.(does not mean praying three times a day)., teach him the common simple elements of spirituality in our traditions like being kind,caring,tolerant. We together feed the birds,fish and other animals, we plant together in our garden etc.
    Hoping that you LOs are doing well and having fun.

    Thank you & take care,
    Cheerful
     
  9. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    C, I told you I am psychic. Just kidding. Let's just put it like this - I am trying to parent the way I wasn't. When I see a parent being unreasonable, I know that's the way they have been conditioned from childhood. You're right. You wont want to un-condition till you find the need to. Stripped of all social conditioning, I think it's natural for all of us to be responsive parents. When your husband sees the bond you have with your child - from what you've said it sounds like your LO is a very responsive child to you - your DH will change. Till then, I agree, it is best for you to do what you can. Hugs!
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2008
  10. AnithaA

    AnithaA Bronze IL'ite

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    Ladies, I need some advice badly! I can't believe I am starting to post in the toddler's section! Nilu has started throwing tantrums! For example, she is watching the rhymes video and pees/poops in the meanwhile. I pause the video and take her to the bathroom and she starts screaming and crying! She stops if we stop taking her to the loo. She throws a tantrum everytime she doesn't get something she wants - I am unable to carry her and she wants me to, the inaccessible purse/jars, when she starts hitting (she does this when she is hyper excited) and I say no, when I ask her not to spit food - these are the situations for which she cries till she gets her way. Distraction, hugging her and trying to soothe her (she resists this by pushing away), a firm no, ignoring her screaming, works once in a while. Today she was hungry but was spitting her food for the fun of it. In spite of repeated no's, and different antics and toys nothing would stop it. I smacked her! It worked in getting her to stop spitting but I feel so bad!:hide: I do not want to smack her and want to discipline her in a better way. I told my mom and she says this is the right way, don't bother! :spinWell, I got the same treatment whenever something went wrong, so I shouldn't have expected anything else from my mom. Can someone tell me how to handle tantrums from a child who can't talk yet?
     

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