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Dealing With Someone Trying To Compete With You

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Shivika992, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    They say that imitation is the best form of flattery, but how do you deal with living with someone who is always competing and imitating you?
    My dear SIL ever since I got married is secretly competing with me, specially in fashion and clothes. She will not only want what I have, and go buy it but later come and show off what she has bought. I’ve started to get irritated at this behaviour. I feel like I am in high school!
    Sometimes I do think I should taunt her, but then decide against it and just let it go. Because I’m really not interested in indulging her further. But this situation is also wanting me to not be around her much because I am very put off by this. And when I do something remotely that would be similar to hers, she has no filter but will highlight that ‘oh are you trying to copy me’??

    My in-laws will never say anything to their dear daughter and just turn a blind eye or laugh it off.. Please suggest what I should do without taunting her or being mean. I want to take the high road on this and not be bothered by it anymore.
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I just smiled when I read your thread...

    I am 40 years old and I have my relatives who compete with each and everything.

    One of them even cancelled their vacation they wanted to go and booked to the same place we had planned and went there a week before to show they did it first! The irritation I faced knew no bounds..

    Be it from clothes,to the parties,when it comes to kids..too much copying back to back is frustrating! To top it! I will be judged and commented when I did the same thing which was my idea in the first place!

    So many things..

    Imitation could be flattery but sometimes it goes beyond limits!

    It is very frustrating and when they obviously do it..it irritates the hell out of us.I totally understand you.

    However..if you show them you are annoyed..they will do turn the plates and say that you are jealous and make you feel Worse!

    what you can do is..

    1) Do not emotionally invest in that person.Mentally keep your distance with her. You will feel better.

    2) Accept she is that person and that will make you feel more in control.

    3) write your anger in a paper and tear it.

    4) If she goes overboard..distance yourself from her.Do it subtly.

    5)Never tell your plans till the last minute and that too only when they ask.Tell one thing and do what you want to do last second and if they ask..tell sudden change of plans.


    6) Anything they ask..be vague!

    For eg: if am asked what will I wear or where I plan to go this weekend..I will tell “ havent planned it..all last minute only we will do”

    7) Zero expectations.I do not have feelings of affection when them anymore so less hurt.Proximity and expectations brings more hurt.Distance makes
    It better.


    The above definitely made me feel better. I don’t know if it is right or wrong but I feel better.

    Hope you feel better soon
     
    Shivika992 and blindpup10 like this.
  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    I want to share the other side of being the copy cat. My mom was this person who would "copy" everything from all her sisters.
    1. Coz she really was not a person who wanted to think about what will suit her or her family's needs.
    2. She just wanted to do things that everyone was doing.
    3. She didn't even listen to her kids or my father's needs. All our needs were said "ok" but we will do this way ( which turned out to be grandparents or aunts way).

    Example- My cousin started basketball and my mother pushed my sister to play it too. ( my sister wasn't even asked if she liked it, interested in it. It's just that my aunt did all the research and my mother just copied it as it was very convenient. And not only did the adults talk about this but my sister and my cousin were forced to compete against each other)!!

    After 60 years of being a copy cat- from all her family members. She still doesn't seem to get why it is wrong or how it will come across. My mother has never felt that she was competing or she is a person who will offend anyone.
    It is just that she doesn't want to even take a small risk of planning something which would give a result that she wasn't aware of. It felt easier to copy where my mother knew the results before she dived into the project.

    I think my aunts started to do what Anika has suggested- but it was just a measure, eventually, the secret will be out like kids going to school, a particular class, or the same tailor they used. And my mom would tag along as if nothing had happened. My mother didn't even realize that her sisters were upset or didn't want my mother to copy them all the time. Not entirely sure, if it was expressed to my mother. But I know one thing my mother still follows her sister.

    In a span of 60 years of my mom's life- now they have all accepted that all the sisters are going to be together in all possible ways. They all go, to the same doctor, same yoga teacher, same tailor. Jeez!! We cousins laugh now- but I remember how awful it was growing up being under the constant scrutiny of my aunts and my mother.

    My 2 cents to you- This is an irritating phase for you now but in the long run. Let me tell you, you will get your due credit. If a person is copying you now on fashion they will not stop at just that.
    It will continue in all parts of their life and it's like they have accepted your way is the best way and it will slowly spread into following everything you do.

    There is very little you can do.. just live your life and know that she will copy you. Unless her spouse sees it as an issue and has some other means to change her, she will not stop following you.


    So chill, you do you. Let her do her.

    c'est la vie
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2020
    deepideepi and Shivika992 like this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    Count me in....

    Both my sister & SIL are the copy cats. They copy everything I do.
    Initially I found it a little offensive, even felt irritated. But later, I have started to feel like a boss.
    They secretly admire me, and want to be like me in everything. That itself is equivalent to making a fashion statement. I am proud about it.

    Recently, I've renovated my home. Bought new furniture, curtains, and some interior on my own. It was a lot of work, finding the right vendor, choosing the colours, re-modifying the old furniture etc..etc... that too having a theme in mind. It was so unique and everyone praised my work for that matter.
    2 weeks after, my SIL wanted exactly the same in everything. Including the same curtain material, same sofa, same designer and same furniture to be precise.
    She kept on asking me to give the contacts of those worked for me. Not just that, she asked me to come and assist her in redesigning her home just like mine.
    I did help her and her home is looking like a copy of mine already.
     
  5. Shivika992

    Shivika992 Senior IL'ite

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    My god, I would be fuming right now if this happened to me!!

    I think part of the issue is that we are taking time to think, research and do something with so much enthusiasm and this person just comes and copies it. Worse is when she goes and announces or shows off... so people think it's her idea and that really annoys me.

    I don’t have a sister, but my cousins were the same with me growing up.. there was always this unsaid competition between the girls. Worse is their parents always encouraged this stupid behaviour.. and the same is happening now where in-laws don’t say anything, but encourage their daughter like she’s some queen in everything she does.

    I am worried what will happen after I have kids. I just want a peaceful life!
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I don't really mind this. The people who know me know my interest and uniqueness in whatever I do. They would easily sense the mastermind behind whatever my sister or SIL projects to the world. They can't completely hide it.

    But there are many who don't know me. They would definitely applaud my SIL or sister for the presentation, though the hardwork was mine. But I don't mind about the people who don't me
     
    Shivika992 likes this.
  7. ushu

    ushu New IL'ite

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    The same thing happened with my sister in-laws and mother inlaw. both of them are copy cats. Starting from the night ware, the fashion, the way of organizing the home, the decorations for birthday parties ( i do it myself) everything they copy me on top of it, they boast about themselves that, how nice they wear, how nice they organise homes and how nice they decor. i am awestruck at them completely. This irritates a lot. even they had been to the places where we had gone. even my mother in law tries to copy me. i will be singing while working in kitchen, she does the same. i will spend time with my kid and draw and paint along with her to encourage her. my MIL also wants to do the same thing. whatever I buy, she wants to buy.

    As some one said, they are copying us means they are following us and we are on top of them. Dont discuss your plans with them. Just surprise them.
     
    Shivika992 likes this.

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