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dealing with SIL and BIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by vasu99, Apr 13, 2010.

  1. vasu99

    vasu99 New IL'ite

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    Hai to all Indus Ladies,
    Am new to this forum...

    I was just going through indusladies threads about relationship with in-laws....i came to know that not only I facing situations at our own house but there are ladies who are also facing situations...

    Let me share my experience faced during 10 months of my married life.

    Before marriage we knew that my hubby’s elder sis with 9 year old kid will be staying with us. I thought what a big deal, she is also a female like me, she got separated from her husband and staying with my in-laws.

    Initially it was ok, but I didn’t like her attitude before marriage itself, senseless, harsh and always criticizing others and boosting herself. She tried to become close with me and told her all sad experience with her in-laws, I felt sorry and thought I should also cooperate and help her in need.

    But the lady was not as I thought, she want everybody to be in her control including her parents, my MIL itself used to get scared to her mouth and she will cook however her daughter like and household work also as per her guidelines. She is master of housekeeping!!!

    She started interfering with my work and starting ordering me to do the household work as per her view and started interfering when I am talking to my in-laws. The lucky part is my hubby hates her and he doesn’t talk to her since 3 years, becos he knew her attitude. I leave to work at 8.30 am and return by 8.30 pm, morning 2 hours and night 2 hours of time at home, my household work or anything I do is totally watched by her and start advising me very harshly as if am one servant to her. My MIL will not tell anything to her, she herself getting scared to her. My FIL doesn’t understand all these things. My SIL also working as a nursery teacher and earning enough salary to take care of her son. She wants me to work under her scrutiny and guidance. I really used to get so disgusted why the hell I should listen to her or I should obey her, why the hell??? I like to go according my MIL not with SIL….i had developed hypertension by that time. The thing is I didn’t open my mouth and never given back to her, I used to tell to my hubby about this, he was also frustrated. Once she told me so harshly in front of my hubby, for combing my hair inside the house, she is telling to go outside and comb so harshly, my hubby gave back to her using bad words, then my MIL started supporting her daughter and scolding my hubby. Like this many incidence she used oppose and impose on me and no freedom to me. Any extra towel, pillow and any things I shd take her permission to take. And moreover she used to bad mouth about my husband like he is selfish, etc etc purposely in front me so that I shd feel down, becus I cant talk or give back to her as I am newly married and I don’t have that talent to give back to her?

    In between all these things, my BIL (hubby’s younger brother unmarried) is a big gambler since 10 years he is in a huge debt, and taken all gold at home nothing he has left and forced his mother to take loan on only property we have in Basaveshwarnagar,Bangalore 3 floor building. My MIL forced FIL to take loan and give to her lovely son, son promised that he will pay monthly installment, but failed to do so, this had happened before my marriage. Recently my FIL got default notice as the property is in name of my FIL and I arranged to give 50,000 Rs. to pay to bank and regularize the EMIs.

    Please tell me, in this situation what I shd do….shud I feel pitty for my FIL and stay together tolerating all these problems…wait for the good time to come

    OR

    To go separate and live peacefully with my hubby without anybody’s disturbance.

    Thank you so much for reading my story

    Prompt suggestions shall be appreciated
     
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  2. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    1. Arranged marriage - 1st bane of mankind
    2. Joint family - 2nd bane of mankind

    Go live separately with your DH. Of course, continue to help them financially within reasonable limits, and keep in touch with your DH family regularly since they are still family.

    But live under a separate roof.
     
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2010
  3. arthidiva

    arthidiva Silver IL'ite

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    I second Spiderman1's idea..

    Is your DH fine with moving out?? what does he think of these day-in and day-out issues? He doesnt like it is different, he cannot tolerate it is different.. Also living out of this chaos will bring peace to your minds.
     
  4. shivachoubey

    shivachoubey IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi,

    I agree with spiderman and his thoughts about bane to human kind. DO help your FIL because he needs help but please move out. There is no point in living a life in which you are not happy. You have one life and make sure you live it happily.

    All the best

    regards
     
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Again a +1 to spiderman's idea.
    When parents/inlaws have too much love for their defaulting kids then we should just leave them alone with them... lest we also come on road when they're supported for all wicked acts.

    Move out into a separate roof ASAP before your DH also turns against you.
     
  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I also agree with Spiderman.
     
  7. vasu99

    vasu99 New IL'ite

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    Thank you so much to spiderman, shilpma, a suitablegirl, shivachoubey,arthdiva for all your good suggestions for me....

    But my DH is not sure to live separately, he is not confident enough...as of now both are working...but later if i get pregnant i need to stay at home and only his salary would not be enough for us to lead a peacefull life....if we are living together somehow we can manage as my FIL will takecare in that situation...we are in dilemma?? But cant see my SIL's face, she is full furious about us cursing us whenever she see my face....i hate to live with this type of ppl....and my BIL whole day he doesnt go to work, but dress up like a model and he will be in some type gambling whole day that is what my FIL told to me...evening he will come home and i shd serve dinner to him....this is my MIL's order for me...she blamed once that i am not serving food with love to him just am keeping and going away.....?

    How to deal with it....?
     
  8. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Vasu,

    Why do you have to quit your job when you get pregnant ?? I dont understand. You would be pregnant and wouldnt be suffering from some disease. You need rest, true. But that can be taken on and off accordingly.

    The best solution to your woes are what Spiderman suggested. Live seperate and help your inlaws financially.

    MIL is anyways attending to her daughter and useless son's requests.. Let her be so. Stay away from the SIL, she seems to not doing any good to your life and has been cursing you for everything you say. Why live in such bad circumstance ? Do you feel , you are going to be at peace in that house when you pregnant ? Things will worsen. That is all it seems like.

    Talk to your husband. Stay under seperate roofs. It doesnt hurt to live peacefully and be supportive to inlaws.
     
  9. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    Vasu, It is natural that parents support their daughter especially when the daughter is separated and doesn't have a family of her own. But it is unnatural to encourage a squanderer.

    The best way to tackle this situation is to live separately with your husband. Instead of living in a joint family, live as a nuclear family.

    The age old joint family system and arranged marriages are no more successful.

    However, you must bear in mind, your husband eventually will be expected to shoulder a great deal of responsibility. Unless and until your SIL and BIL find a way out of their mess and stabilize themselves, you need to contribute a lions share.
     
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    Best is to move out so you don't have day to day petty fights. Make sure you and DH decide a fixed monthly ammount to give to FIL.

    I don't understand why you would expect help from them after baby if you don't gel well with them. Its perfectly normal to work during and after pregnancy.

    Regarding the 50,000 you gave them..its ok to help out sometimes. So forget about that and build a life seperately.

    Take Care.
    FL
     

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