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Dealing with MILs & In Laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by yesican, Mar 9, 2010.

  1. yesican

    yesican Gold IL'ite

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    Came across this interesting post/article and wanted to share with all, specially those women who come here and write in despair:"why doesnt my Mil love me?"Well here's why!

    The mother-in-law problem is not unique to India/South Asia even in west women report this problem.

    What make it different for South Asians/Indians are our family structure and social economy.

    The lack of alternative structures of social support and old age care makes it inevitable for conjugal families to check any development of strong affection between the newly married couple.

    The fear of loosing economic support from sons makes rest of his family act in funny ways to disturb his married life.

    Instead of acting from love and kindness towards the new bride they target all their energies in dislodging her even before she is settled.

    They not only emotionally manipulate their sons but also have the ability to instigate the sons against their fathers to avenge the injustices mounted on them during their youth.

    Emotionally abusive and manipulative MILs...live their lives in bitterness. They are unhappy most of the times so all they exude is unhappiness. They are drama junkies, they’ll create a scene about anything under the sun, every thing is about them. If you said you gained weight they’ll tell you they gained more than you. If you said you were slim in your youth they’ll contend they were slim to the extent of emaciation. Their need for attention and assurance is never ending and exhusting for people around them. Their loved ones are trying to buy peace from them at all costs. They try to keep this species of MILs calm and contended. But it is never sufficient. When a DIL comes this burden falls on her and other family members too feel now it should be DIL’s job to serve MIL and keep her happy.It becomes easy for them to exonarate themselves from this responsibility and pile blames on the DIL for MILs displeasure. It is not that the circumstances have made MIL critical and unhappy rather they chose to act so. They are pleasant and good when they want to be. Their most time is spent in drama so even when they are genuinely normal it is hard to believe and one may fear what may trigger another dramatic attack.


    These MILs claim to love their sons and want them to be happy. Their formula of happiness for their son does not include his wife. When ever the son is feeling normal in his married life they get a panic attack. Their dialogues are- “Something is happening to me. My heart is sinking, I am dying.” “I feel I’ll die alone you will not care for me in my old age.” Religion is another tool in their arsenal, they claim to fast or pray for the long life of their sons.

    The sons of such mothers harbor secret hatered for womenkind especially their mothers but are unable to verbalize it as it will be considered sacreligious. So they turn this hatred to their spouses in the form of emotional, verbal or physical abuse. If they ever stand up for their spouses their mothers’ start with “I gave you birth…” These sons have not learned to cope with this regular drama so when they are confronted with some marital issue their response is usually fight or flight. When they fight they become their own mothers and when they resort flight they become arctic pole.


    There is another rare species of mothers-in-law who are supportive of their daughters-in-law. They not only love them and help them in developing a bond with their husbands but also raise their children. Some of these rare specie MILs are committed to making it better for their DILs as opposed to their own MILs and others in this genre are relatively secure with who they are, they do not have to make another person feel bad in order to feel better about themselves. Such MILs are calm and contended with their lives. They live their lives peacefully and know their boundaries. Even when they disagree with some thing they have a functional way of addressing the issue than creating a drama. If you find such a MIL please respect her and appreciate her.She does not need anything from you other than respect affection and kindness. Tell others about her so that they are motivated to be like her.
     
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Yesican.. thanks for sharing.. it has description of only about types of MIL:crazy & not ways to deal with them.

    Also on a closing note, it appears to be more of a plea to respect rarest of rare MIL... well when one gets it I guess they do respect them... cos respect is earned and not asked for.

    There are many ladies who mentioned on other thread that they're living with inlaws and just LOVIN IT... :thumbsup
     
  3. Malavika81

    Malavika81 Bronze IL'ite

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    yesican, DILs hating or in a row with MILs is certainly not a Asia specific problem. I know friends of mine who are not very fond of their MILs. But the difference is, in most cases atleast in the west, we keep them at a safe distance and usually they go home to their own living quarters LOL
    I keep mine at a very safe yet comfortable distance and the relationship between us is more of a friend than MIL. And she is not a meddlesome woman either.
    And we usually call them a horrid b&%$# to their face if they are being one LOL
     
  4. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Yesican , Very nice article.Thanks for sharing!

    My MIL exploits my hubby so much listening to her daughter's(SIL) tunes but still he will say "she gave birth to me and mom is always mom".Even I used to give a blind eye to few stuffs since SHE is his MOM and without her I woudn't have got such a wonderful person(touchwood).

    She used to clean my vomit when I was pregnant without any hesitation and I can feel that she is doing with affection.She never asks me to cook or clean and she believes me and my Hubby more than any other child of hers.But she is different when she is with her daughters.Strange isn't it?:bonk.I used to wonder"neenga nallavara kettavara"(nayagan style).
    I just give respect for what she is and give a blind eye to the rest.:crazy
     

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