Dealing with MIL and SIL supporting MIL

fallenangel · Jun 26, 2010

Hi All,

Like everyone I'm here to vent as well and looking for advises. I've been married for a year now and our marriage was love marriage + arranged (our parents accepted). Both my husband and I have been in US since our undergraduate studies for 12 years now. My Inlaw's live in India and my DH calls them every Saturday and sometimes we speak to them one of the weekdays. After few weeks since marriage, one day MIL called on friday night and both DH and I were in the theatre. At that time our phone's were on vibrate and we did not pick up. MIL called atleast 10-15 times on both of our phones - we saw this when we got out and called her immediately and she spoke very loudely and was using very bad language with my husband. I was extremely shocked to hear that as i've never seen any mother use such language. My DH said that he was extremely sorry for not picking up and she said that my DH is changing and that i'm changing him. She told him that "he is my tail and follows my rules" and said many bad things about me - i heard this as it was on speaker since we were driving. Both DH and I were extremely sad and such behavior effected us mentally for almost a week. I called her the next day and said sorry for everthing and that it wont happen again - Honestly i did this only for my DH! I didn't want him to be hurt. After this incident, such things kept happening every month or even twice a month and sometimes she would call after midnight when we are sleeping - she would complain about me not being open or that I should visit my parents once a month or I'm not so religious or I fell asleep one night when my hubby called them or that my hubby hasn't cared for them... the list goes on. Today after 1 year, I've crossed my limit to handle this torture. Such behavior from MIL is effecting us severely so I called his SIL to explain the situation to her and to ask if she can explain to MIL. She was extremely rude to me and told me that she wouldn't let me misbehave with my parents and that I don't have to call to complain about them. I'm the kind of person who respects elders and will never misbehave with anyone and she was stamping false accusations against me.
This weekend DH called MIL like always on Saturdays... and she complained about him not responding for SIL's email within two days --- can you believe two days? It felt like she wanted to bring issues to create fight... and then she started talking bad about me using bad language like always and called me names. This was my limit and I finally picked up the phone and asked her what does she want - she cursed and gave the phone to FIL and I told my FIL what I was going through. He mentioned that he was going through this with MIL for all his life and he is also sick of it. He mentioned that they never had relatives or family friends because of her behavior.
Please help...I'm not sure what I should do to fix this. Right now, I've told my DH and FIL that I would not talk to her ever again b/c this is mentally and physically effecting both DH and I and our work. What should I be doing now? Please give me some advise on how i should be dealing with this.

ars · Jun 27, 2010

FIL Knows your MIL's nature and your husband doesnot?
Both of you should just ignore her tantrums and move on. You can't change your MIL so hear in one ear and leave it in the other. Don't get depressed and spoil your whole week.

Thaamarai · Jun 27, 2010

You should be happy that you are not in India. She does not have the possibility to come in person and torture you. Talk to your hubby and if he accepts just be away from ur MIL for sometime. avoid talking to her. At the same time dont talk anything bad about ur MIL to ur hubby. Guys will always be in the mentality that their mother is goddess even though she is wrong and they will easily blame us. so be careful while dealing with ur husband as he is ur life and not ur MIL.

asuitablegirl · Jun 27, 2010

Ohhhhh boy. You called your sil? What did you expect! Most of the times sil's will support their own mom... not you or me! I had the same thing happen to me, only my sil called out of the blue threatening me to respect her parents, even though they were in the wrong and she did not even get my side of the story. One words of advice: IGNORE. And don't bring up anything with your sil again. Whatever you say to sil WILL get back to mil. Then there will be even more of a mess.

About mil, IGNORE. You tried being nice, but looks like nice doesn't work. But being mean isn't right either. So the happy medium is no contact at all. And I think you both should turn your phones on silent before going to sleep. Your mil is being unreasonable. And just like grandparents can hand off a screaming grandchild back to it's parents, a harassed dil can hand off a screaming mil back to her son. Let your hubby deal with her. And PRAY for your poor fil. You think YOU have it hard.... just imagine his situation. :bonk

chocolate · Jun 27, 2010

Fallenangel,First of all if you had a problem with your MIL you shud have told her. Seeing your post your MIL sounds downright rude. At the same time your SIL is near her or her daughter. Its logical she defends her mom. You shudnt have done that.
I will say do not apologize for to your MIL for anything. You are setting an example for all your conversation with her.She will only get ruder for all conversations with you. Do you want that? It will also make your relationship with your husband a little sour from time to time. Dont do it. I too have an abusive FIL and a nastier SIL. So unless I turn utopian and become a Sooraj Barjatya movie DIL , I dont talk to them without a very very big reason. My husband understands and never forces me. If your husband is supportive tell him you do want to talk to your MIL as she is very rude to you and it hurts you. Your husband looks supportive so you can do it. Dont try to complain to anybody else about your IL's except your husband. That too is when he is in good mood. Good Luck.

kma · Jun 28, 2010

I agree with chocolate. With some people all the efforts we put in to maintain good relations goes down the drain. They take it as our weakness. Let your husband maintain relations with his mother, but please you dont try to appease your MIL all the time. I did the same with my MIL, though she is not as rude as your MIL, todate we do not share any warm relations. On the contrary she still comments about me with others even now. It is far better to focus on your life and ignore her. As long as your DH understands , you need not worry about her.

YuktiVig · May 22, 2013

Common FA !! its a WIN WIN case for you. No body is blaming you in this case except your SIL.
As all said, it was silly to call SIL and she will always favour her mom. When your FIL said "MIL is like this" and by now your husband also knows it, I think you are under very less pressure. Just ignore her but dont show that your are doing it. You dont have to make faces or make it so visible that your are ignoring her.
Just stay out of her Arena. Don't talk much, ask much, reply yes or no if required. Dont give a chance where any of your famliy members feel, that you are not repecting them enough ..
Learn from your SIL mistake. Dont give her too importance in your life if she doesnt understand your problems.

sunshine1970 · May 23, 2013

PLEASE don't apologize to her again for her bad behaviour, she will get used to it. I have been married for 14 years and made the mistake of telling personal stuff to SIL about MIL and DH. At the end of the day hun that is their mother and brother, blood is thicker than water. It always made things worse, as she would sympathize with me and then add salt and pepper and tell DH and MIL. Now I never confide in her, she will never see our side. Even when my DH sometimes complains to her about their mom she always turns it all back on me. Please just ignore her and let your DH carry on the crazy relationship he has with her and thank your lucky stars you do not live with them.