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Dealing with an "over-helpful" neighbor???

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Jan 12, 2015.

  1. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    ihave a neighbor who lives two homes away.she comes home every evening 4 days a week and stay for 2 to 3 hours.even if my dh comes home,she stays and hence the little time i get to talk with dh is gone and he does not want to eat dinner in front of her and waits till she leaves which is like 8.30 to 9 in the evening.


    Also,she overdoes stuff.despite me repeatedly telling her,she provides too much of food and dolls to dd and forces me to feel obligated.


    for eg: she drops her kids at without any notice and goes outing with her husband.she also sends her kids during weekends and i have no family time.
    thank god,i told her to avoid sending her kids during weekends.she also comes and stands beside me when I am cooking,feeding my dd and gives unsolicted opinions.
    to top it,she reprimands my dd as though she is her own kid.she does not call before coming and comes whenever she wishes.


    she is also very competitive with me.it all suffocates me a lot.i need some personal space.


    i remember this summer she wanted me to babysit her kids.so she very smartly asked " my kids want to babysit your kids(?) so they will be staying all day everyday during summer at your place.what say?" i somehow manged to get out of it.2 months everyday seems a bit too much for me.


    she also laughing says" you will do whatever anyone says.you are one sanyasini" this irritated me to the core!
    hence,i find myself absolutely refusing to help her even when i can.


    still she keeps asking,forcing me to obligate to her requests,dropping in as per she wants.it is suffocating me and dh.she does not even inform me that she is going out.she drops her kis and goes to gym with her husband and me putting off my work and babysittign them.


    how to deal with her?she is a neighbor and we might see each other often but hot to stop her from taking me for granted.
     
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  2. mathiravi

    mathiravi Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Do tell her diplomatically that you need some personal time with DH. Staying after your DH comes back is not a good thing.. He might want to discuss his day with you or you might want to tell what you and your kid did the whole day. Let her know that you will be going out if she try to stay back for a long time at your place.

    Its better you tell that your family does not like to take away their personal time. Some times you might feel bad. However, too much indulgence and interference in a family is irritating.
     
    sindmani and anika987 like this.
  3. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    thanks mathiravi:)
     
  4. aniShekar

    aniShekar Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear, there's plenty you can do to fix this situation - but you need to toughed your act. I know it's not easy for some of us to be rude (including me)...but people like your friend ask for it!

    These are a few things you could do:

    you go out yourself! Every so often, when she pops down with her kids, you say "Oh, I'm sorry...I need to go out now..." Put in a reason that doesn't involve her in any way(husband's friends get-together...relatives are meeting up...shopping at some place where your husband has to drive you...)
    Likewise for food...just refuse firmly - "I've already done my cooking - my husband/kid wants this kind of dish...etc. Yours would only go waste! Why not reuse it yourself?"
    Finish up your cooking quite early on, so she does not get a chance to pass on unsolicited advice...
    You'll need to sugar coat your pills - that would work better that a head-on confrontation. Your friend sounds quite tough skinned, she wont feel it anyway
     
    sindmani, yellowmango, nb25 and 2 others like this.
  5. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    true anisekar.she is too shrewd and iam not as smart as her.sometimes she puts me in a tough spot and i cannot keep thinking 24/7 on how to handle her:( but hate it when she has the last laugh.
    i am sure there r quite some women like my neighbor and i wonder how other ladies handle i smartly!
     
  6. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    Looks like she is not that great a friend.. This friendship is just one way. I would say you dont have to be diplomatic and all. Just tell her that you want to spend time with your husband in the evenings . Also you cannot entertain her uninvited/unannounced visit.

    I remeber a similar situation that happened to me when i initially moved to US. We met a couple at a gym and we clicked instantly as we both were newly weds, we both take the same train for work, from same place back in India.

    In the beginning we used to meet once a month. Then the frequency increased to weekly once. Right after gym they used to make some or the other reason and used to "drop by" and then leaves only in the evening or aftr lunch. I had to finally tell them that coz of their frequent visits my DH and I are not getting time.
     
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  7. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Don't answer the door. Later, apologize profusely (when she brings it up), and say "I must not have heard the bell. I was taking a bath." Or, "The chimney was making such a noise. I didn't hear the bell."- Any polite reason for not answering. Then sweetly say, "It would be better if you could call me before coming." If she does not call beforehand, don't answer the door. Keep making excuses. If she calls, then tell her you are busy with some work/husband is going to come home/you are going out, so she should not come. Limit her visits to suit your convenience.

    If she brings any dolls, tell her bluntly that "We don't want to spoil our daughter with so many toys. Please take it back." Or, offer to pay for it. If she says you don't need to pay, tell her "Ok. If you insist on gifting it." This frees you of any obligation. Same for food - whatever she brings, say DD doesn't like it/ It is bad for her, etc. Be the concerned parent.
     
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  8. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Instead of her coming over, just fix a time in the evening to meet outside and go for a walk. So at least she is not in your house. Then after the walk, just tell her that you need to be home to take care of something. Slowly cut down on the walk. But this way the problem goes outside the home.

    About her giving toys, just refuse it by thanking her for her thoughtfulness but you and your husband don't like to spoil kids with toys and so you can't take it. Be firm.
     
    2 people like this.
  9. LuvLadoo35

    LuvLadoo35 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello anika,

    I was in your state about 2 years ago. A friend would always drop by without informing and stay till dinner time but would not join us for dinner. Every single time she would come home with some kind of toy for my baby. I had no clue how to deal with this. All I did was stopped answering the door. Almost twice she had to go back Even then she didn't give up . So me and DH decided that every time she comes home uninvited we both would say we are going out catching up with friends for dinner . Sorry had to lie but situation was out of control we couldn't figure out any easy way of getting out.
    Things got much better after all this. Now we just meet once a month or so.
    Sister nb25 has suggested the same thing . In my case it worked.
     
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  10. veeramachaneni

    veeramachaneni Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Anika , Dont answer the door if she comes with out calling. Also tell her you need to spend time with DH and after 4 it is not possible for you to give her company.

    It is better you say it to her. I did the same with my Neighbor. She dumps any excess leftovers on me and I had to cook and give something in return because I hate to give empty boxes.
     
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