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Dealing With An Extremely Stubborn Child?

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by anika987, Sep 27, 2019.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    I would say don't pamper her. Just ignore.
    You should have another kid only if you want to have.
    1 st kids stubbornness should not be a reason .
     
    shravs3, Anusha2917 and anika987 like this.
  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    My kid is in first grade..

    Off late I find her very opinionated and trying to fight with me every opportunity she gets.She yells,screams and uses words etc..

    I hate you,you are mean,pass away,get out of the House is something am used to now..

    When I questioned her in her nice moments she said “I want to be kind and nice but my brain is telling me to be mean and am not able to control”


    She is nice to everyone else but only this way with me..Every morning from brushing teeth until night..everything becomes an arugument.

    I am patient as much as I can but she tests me so much!

    People talk about teenagers but my six year old is already this way.

    Truth to be told,though personally I have issues..I make sure my kid is in a happy,clean home and am very patient with her.

    And one more thing..any small advice she doesn’t like..which I agree coz even I used to hate advice:) BUT she is only six years old!!

    I try to be a good mother but I don’t know if this is a phase and what I should be doing..

    Can you throw light?what can a parent expect and not?
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    "I hate you" and "you are mean" are common. When I used to get them from my kid, I rolled my eyes, and asked, "Can you at least come up with something not so stale?"

    "Pass away" or "Get out of the house" -- kid would not get away with it any time. Consequence would be immediate and not a vague, watery "if you say that another time." If school got missed, meal did not get eaten, any extracurricular got missed.. that would be fine, and kid would be grounded for a suitable amount of time. Later, the other parent would also have a talk with the child. Brief talk with no long dissection. "You will not talk like that to your mother." If kid said, "But amma said/did ..." The response would be, "a parent is your parent, not your equal. we are responsible for you. we are the boss like it or not." The boss part got added in the tougher teenage years, not needed when they were younger.

    Surprisingly, such firm talk with a clear statement eventually calmed down the kid. Key was to keep it clear, "this is not tolerated in our household no matter what made you say it." No long lecture on "would you like to receive such comment, would you say that to your friend/teacher..."
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    I did everything you said Rihana..every thing!

    Plus am very firm and calm.She calms down eventually and all is good but this is going every single day..timeouts are not working

    Again the vikramaditya- betal story only.

    She screams and tantrums gives one a headache.I want to really shake her up and she should know this is not tolerated.



    I also have an appointment with a child behavior therapist just to rule out stuff.Its next month

    Until then I need to manage:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019
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  5. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    That's good. Keep us updated
     
    anika987 likes this.
  6. vjan29

    vjan29 Platinum IL'ite

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    In my opinion I don't think this is common. We see some kids act like matured person and try to talk like an elderly person because they observe person around them they try to imitate. If your kid is often using angry terms, then either she is often seeing someone talking like this (may be her teacher at school?) or someone elder person at home.

    Apart from going to kid therapist, check with her school teacher as well, also check what kind of programs she is watching on computer or tv or any book she is reading which has these kind of statements. Kids generally influenced by surroundings.
     
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  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Get an appointment with a child psychologist also
     
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  8. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Like @Rihana . I agree the first two are ok - they are opinions. Remember children are master manupilators - they are trying to get under your skin and control, take that as a challenge and refuse to indulge by feeling hurt.

    The third is way too mean and she should that should not be told to anyone ever. No matter what. Period.
    And the last - well this is your house ( all three) . And she cannot act like she owns the place, and you are at her mercy.

    This is where the husband's support and acting as one team plays a very important role. She needs to know that it is not acceptable to both of you. Or she will play to the dominant parent's side

    My daughter told me something similar questioning my authority when she was 7 , and I still remember it. I was at an emotional low point, and it was like a slap on my face. It was when we were having a meal at a crowded place, I did a Greta-Thunberg ( long b4 she was even born , haha) , got up and went home, leaving DH to handle the kids. That was the last time she dared that kind of insult.



    Nope. how is it all good. That is when you should get all serious and let her know that her words were unacceptable and she will have her face the consequences - timeoff, remove privileges, whatever you do.
    And be serious. very serious. Dont smile or act normal - she should know she has crossed a line that she shouldnt cross and that you are angry.

    Putting up with tantrums is very draining, I know. Wait for the tantrum to be over and then get to business. She should apologise and you dont melt at her words - let her know you are hurt, and angry, and you will not put up with that . Your actions have to show that it will not be tolerated. Do not give mixed messages.

    It is good to check but remember the therapist is not a miracle worker. You will still have to put up with stuff and work it thru.



    Haha, teenage is vera level my dear. Right now you are hurting a bit, she still talks to you after the scene now. Teenage is when you want to take that chappal and smack them hard, when you question your sanity.
    So yes , secure the seat belt nay harness well - it is going to be one hell of a ride.

    But yes, highly likely it is going to start early, probably in her tweens. But dont you worry too much , there is light at the end of the tunnel.
    I survived a stubborn obnoxious daughter - who could be so rude, and dismissive just by body language - I genuinely worried about her how she would turn out. Turned up to be an independent rational woman, who I dont have to really worry about - but yes the stubbornness is still intact
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Here is what the behavior therapist will tell you. I'll give the same tips for free.

    What is the antecedent of these tantrums? What happens before the tantrum is thrown? Is she having to leave a preferred activity to do home work? Give her a proper schedule, let her know this happens at this time. Entertainment happens after HW is done.
    If teeth brushing isn't done, then favorite thing isn't given for B'fast. If it is isn't done, regardless of the tantrum you cannot give in. Tantrum throwers have learned very early on that if I cry hard enough, swear long enough and trouble my mom emotionally and make her react, eventually she will wear down and give me what I want. It's definitely a learned behavior.

    Don't respond when she is arguing. Just say brush and leave. She cannot get out of the bathroom until she brushes. Late for school, let her deal with the consequences of being late from the teacher a few times. You are the mother, enforce this.
    The therapist will ask you not to react or respond or show any change in tone, expression and continue with the demand and walking away or redirecting. This is a way to get you to react so she can escape from teeth brushing for sometime. When she figures out that she can't get away and can't get a reaction from you regardless of what she says, she will stop. This is the hardest thing I've done but it works. Bringing it up later is a big no-no in therapy and i've seen it really helps to follow what the therapists are saying.

    Make sure she is safe and let her yell and scream wherever while you put on your headphones and listen to music and go about your chores. The more attention you give, the more she will yell.

    Once she stops tantruming, instead of calling attention to the earlier tantrum, it's good to focus on the good thing she is doing and praise that. If she stops and is working well, tell her how well she is brushing or how clean her teeth are. Don't mention the tantrum at all. The idea is by giving attention to only positive behavior, you are reinforcing that behavior. She is doing all of the above to get your attention and to get away from tasks! Once she knows she can't get her way, it will stop. If she gets your attention for things she's doing right, she will automatically start doing those things to earn your praise. This goes against traditional parenting practices but you will have to unlearn all that and relearn these things per what the therapist says.

    I've given you all these tips earlier. You haven't mentioned, what you tried and what worked. You just start new threads. The problem with that is, it will not help you or the other posters. You have to try, quote and say I tried this and then this happened. Then we will say, try this the other way. This is exactly what the BCBA will do. If you go to her, she will give you training and train the kid some and make you follow through at home. Behaviors won't magically disappear at therapy never to reappear at home. You will be made to take notes, go back and tell them exactly what you did and what child did and clarify any doubts. Therapy has to be enforced at home.

    Hope this helps.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    My daughter has a good name is school.

    Outside she is fine,confident at the same time sometimes shy.

    1)Timeouts don’t work with her.
    We have tried many things,took away her privedges but all she says is “I don’t care”.

    She is an undemanding child when it comes to clothes or anything else.
    Her only weakness right now is school lunch.Initially it worked but now she says she doesn’t care for that too.

    2) I have never ever spoken about skin color but she mentioned two times about dark vs white skin.We explained to her about it calmly and one day again I was beyond embarrassed when she bluntly spoke about dark skin in front of people..

    When I firmly then asked her why she did that..she mentioned “my teacher read a storybook about how people thought dark skin is better and then white people assimilated”..

    she thinks dark skin is superior.Dont know how to react.There is not be any talk about color in the first place.


    3) We are very calm,firm and assertive with her.we don’t yell or scream honestly.

    4) interestingly ,she is a very undemanding child.She has no demands with anything and mostly adjusting with food,clothes,tv,going out or anything else.It is a very positive thing but she also isn’t passionate about anything.We don’t see some weakness where we can tap.

    5) People who notice her says our problem Is very unique and no one has ideas how to deal.

    6) why she is angry,stubborn,extremely mean to me..we are breaking our heads..

    So we have a therapist appt.. hope we find some answer
     

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