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Dealing with a snobbish co-sister

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blissofmylife, Feb 26, 2015.

  1. blissofmylife

    blissofmylife Silver IL'ite

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    I have been married for over 7 years now and the second DIL of the family.

    Some background:

    We spent almost 5 years of our initial married life with our in-laws in a joint family back in India. And BIL and co-sis, who got married an year earlier have been living in US.

    She is a SAHM and I have been working from the beginning.

    From the day 1, she has been jealous of me for my relationship with inlaws, my husband, my status of being working etc. There were lots of incidents in the past to prove this. But, I don't want to go into those details.

    However, we have never had open tiffs etc. Whenever, we met, in spite of knowing her attitude towards me, I always tried to be cordial, because my BIL is a great person. And I do not my petty behavior to affect the peace in family.

    Coming to the Frustrating part:

    She being competitive with me is understandable, but, I notice that, the treatment is carried over to my DD as well. My DD and her son are same age. And this lady, falls to the extent of not wishing my DD purposefully on her birthday, when the child is offering her sweets. Really?!! to a 4 year old???

    She would turn her face, as my DD addresses her for something.. She will pretend to not hear her.. I mean, I am totally irritated at this behavior. This happened, when we were at their place for a short trip.

    Infact, since, my DD was born first, the first time, she visited us, she did not even care to look at the child or anything.. I ignored all that, because at that time, I thought probably she was too engrossed with her own child.. Happens sometimes..

    All this makes me think, should I really continue being cordial with her.. In all these years, she has never once, wished us when we meet.. She will just wait for us to wish her, or say HI.. Even when we were visiting them.. She wont invite us or say Hi, just keep a blank face.. We have to initiate the conversation.

    How long can I carry on like this? Shouldn't the respect be mutual??
     
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  2. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Most often, women with a seemingly 'better' co-sis get a little insecure. You being the younger DIL, getting more importance than her will understandably irk her.

    But as long as she doesnt affect your relationships with anyone (like back biting, bad mouthing you to relatives so much that it affects your relation with them etc), i think you should be the better person and let her do what she feels is right.
    As of now, there has been no open tiffs- so you really dont know whats going on in her mind .
    While its not right that she doesnt initiate any conversation, maybe in the background, she gets a lot of taunts of "how good your younger co-sis is" or how she would never be as good as you.
    Maybe she is constantly being given remarks by relatives around about your efficiency and smartness while she herself is being degraded or not given importance. I am not condoning her behaviour, just thinking from the other side .

    The WISE thing to do is to be cordial to a limit where it does not affect you too much. Say hi,say namaste, make small talk enquiries and walk off. In that way , you have done nothing wrong and have shown your maturity.
     
    sindmani, yellowmango and pear like this.
  3. blissofmylife

    blissofmylife Silver IL'ite

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    No one has ever given me more importance than her.. :) The thing is that, I am assertive, when it comes to exercising my rights in my family. And, after some heated discussions and some assertive talks, I have been able to implement my rights in my family. Which was gradually accepted by my inlaws, after they saw my point. She, on the other hand was an aadarsh bahu in the initial years of her marriage. And has been showing her truly colours for the past few years.
    I can do nothing about that.

    During the initial years of marriage, there used to be talks about, how well she feeds her husband and how less I cook. And how a Sathvik bahu she is, and I am not. But, I handled all that, by letting my inlaws know, that, I can do what I can. I can't be her. In fact, it was us, who been through a lot with our inlaws, than them. She even went to the extent of objecting to the way I was addressing my husband.

    May be... But how can she blame and be like that to a child?? When I am being extremely cordial with her, why should she hold me responsible for other's act?

    May be.. Does it still justify her behavior against a child?

    I have always been more than that.. never once, made her feel bad.. just feeling frustrated..
     
  4. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,
    I have highlighted my points in blue below:

    The respect should be mutual. I am surprised you waited so long to deal with this. You are very patient, OP. Don't accept such treatment now onwards. Speak out, unemotionally, in front of every one, when she is being rude.
     
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  5. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    Ignore her.. You know why she is behaving cheap...She is not going to change. You remain dignified and continue to be as you are now..Don't feed her J by reacting to her..
     
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  6. bubai

    bubai Gold IL'ite

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    Sometimes when people are jealous, they don't know how to express and try showing it by being indifferent and plain rude. Be nice to people who are nice to you, like your BIL. You don't have to talk to your co-sister. Why do you go to her in the first place? I can't imagine someone being so mean to a little girl. You need to make sure that your daughter is not insulted. As a mother, you have to protect her. When someone questions you about this, don't be afraid to voice your concern. Stand your ground. To hell with jealous people! What morons!
     
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  7. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Whatever you do or dont do please dont repeat her rude behavior to her child.Maintain your standard which she obviously lacks.Just dont allow her to getoff treating your DD like that .Convey through your behavior that treating your DD bad doesnt come under tolerable limit.
     
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  8. Meghamegha

    Meghamegha New IL'ite

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    Hi ,I am dealing with same type of co sister ,these kind of people are not at all sensitive towards anyone . They just want to be on top and be praised by everyone in the family without any efforts. They want importance from everyone but never give importance to others. They are frustrated and depressed individuals with no goal in life other then getting jealous of others. They will talk to people who praise them all the time.


    I feel that these type of people are facing serious mental issues they need to consult doctor. i know we can't avoid them we have to wait for the right time and I agree with nb25
     
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  9. blissofmylife

    blissofmylife Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all wonderful ladies for your suggestions.. I am really feeling better after reading these..

    what I did was, I diverted my DD to some other activity, and she actually din't realize what happened.. But, as an adult I could notice and my blood boils thinking about it..

    @Bubai :exactly:This is exactly the same discussion I had with my hubby.. Both of us feel the same. This time, he is hell bent on not taking us to their place..:thumbsup He just couldn't digest her behaviour towards our DD. Just the memories are so painful.. :cry:

    @pear yup.. I am always on guard. Makes me feel bad.. because my DD and her son are so close to each other.. they love each other's company so much..And this lady is hell bent on spoiling their future relationship too..

    @meghamegha your comment, literally lit up my mood.. Makes me feel much better..
     
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  10. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Your Co-sis is jealous of you. Whatever good you to such people and whatever best things happen in their life, they never change. They just behave the same. It is just their nature.

    Reading about her behavior with your daughter, I suggest not to have anything in your heart for her. She don't deserve your emotions. Just have Hi and bye relationship. No need to discuss any kind of family matters with her.
     
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