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Dealing With A Clingy Ex

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by kavya007, Feb 29, 2020.

  1. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    your decision is fine. that's it. there is nothing much to say , you can be a good help to your ex. but nothing more than that.

    i just wanted to share an experience, my neighbour, he is close friend of my H. whole weekend there was fight in his house, i live in apartment, so noises were too loud and really emotionally upsetting.

    he goes to gym with my H , he broke down to my H tonight, saying it is same fighting for last 15 years. he is tired of drama and fighting. he does not care, if spouse takes all property and he has just enough to live and eat.

    he just want to live his 40 s and above in peace.


    there is time limit after which , even being alone but without any fighting or expectation to satisfy anyone is peaceful. if you feel that way, please proceed.
     
    kavya007 likes this.
  2. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Wow thats a horrible battle .. hugs to you.

    But babysitting your ex, making sure his health is good, making sure he has a friends circle etc are not your job. he needs to get his ducks in a row or his parents/siblings need to help him.

    You are enabling him too much and wrecking your own life. He should have thought about all that when he assaulted you in a barbaric way, he should have known your value when he let you suffer in loneliness and depression.

    You are ruining your own happiness here. I only text me ex about the drop/pickup timings, vacations itineraries, other school holidays etc as we are co-parents. PERIOD. If he has a surgery or accident, his family/friends will step in. I am not his family or friend. he is not my family or friend. We both created our own support system as SINGLE people.

    Please have strong boundaries, you are letting in someone who destroyed your life. There is humane nature and plain foolishness. Its a fine line.
     
  3. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Ladies,

    Please tell me if I am in the wrong here. I am recovering from a foot surgery and since it is my right foot I cannot drive as well. Past few weeks I have barely stepped out of my home. I had to go for two medical appointments today - one was a post op in one city in the morning and another was a physical therapy appointment in another city in the afternoon. I asked all my friends if they could drive me. One friend was able to drive me for the morning appointment. But no one could drive me for the afternoon appointment since it was school pick up time. I was thinking worse case I will take uber if necessary even if it costs $100 per appointment. I have no choice because no other appointment slot was available. I need to go for my physical therapy appointments every week.

    Yesterday my ex called me up and asked me about my disability leave, when I am returning to work etc. I gave him some details because legally I am obliged to keep him up to date about my disability status since I am getting a fatter alimony pay check from him during the disability time period. I get much lesser pay on disability leave. During the phone call my ex asked me again if I need ride for medical appointments. I told him I have ride for my post op in the morning but not sure about the afternoon ride. Worse case I may have to take Uber. I have told my ex many times that he does not have to take me for any of my appointments. But yet again he offered. Now this time I selfishly accepted offer for my afternoon appointment.

    Today morning he texted me and told me he wanted to come for the morning appointment as well. He texted me before the morning appointment. But my friend drove me for my post op visit. My ex started calling me and texting me on how it went. He promptly came to take me for the afternoon appointment. I thanked him at the end of it but told him going forward I will take uber if necessary. Am I wrong in taking help from my ex when he offers repeatedly?

    I want to be as independent as possible. But unfortunately I have not yet been cleared by the doc to drive. I have been in fact asked by the doctor to take addition medical leave for another 3 weeks since my foot is not healing properly. My other option is to take uber/lyft which works out quite expensive. It is about $80 per ride to the physical therapist. I need to see my physical therapist every week. Thoughts?

    Regards,
    Kavya
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You can decide whether its right or wrong.

    But as you are in the process of divorce that is not yet finalized, also he is very clingy and want to come back to your life, its better to keep him at bay. Avoid interactions with him as much as possible. You don't have to respond to his texts if its not about kids. I know its good to have cordial relation with EX for your kids, but ' only for kids'.

    If I were in you position, I would have depended on uber/lyft than on him even if its expensive. I read your other posts too. I think you need to define a boundary and learn to say NO to him. He is no longer your husband or friend ( if he was a good friend the divorce would not have happened in the first place). Only you can do it. You only can control your response. If you don't do that you will face more issues for sure. Take care
     
  5. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    You lived with your ex for 17 years and you are the best judge of his character. If I were in your situation and ex offered a ride I would not take it as it will be a negotiation tactic later on like " I helped you during the surgery so you compromise on the child custody/asset division, you are very ungrateful and took all my help and not reciprocating" ..

    He is unconsciously trying to build the "obligation contract with you". Meaning, suppose he has an accident or has a surgery he will expect you to do all the pickup, drop off, buying medicines, bringing food etc for him. And he is totally reasonable to expect it as you took his help.

    Pls stay away from ex. Thats the healthiest thing to do even if your ex is Mahatma Gandhi.
     
    Logicalgal and Angela123 like this.
  6. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    You can earn the money you spend on ube/lyft later in life but if you take his help you will be in his "obligation contract" always and he will use it to manipulate you even after divorce.
     
    Logicalgal likes this.
  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Kavya,
    If you do not want to be around your ex, you should stop entertaining him by asking his help. Updating him on your situation is different than asking help. You should take uber to go for the appointments instead of asking your friends or ex to drive you. It will cost a lot of money but save you from heartaches later. Avoid your ex at all possible scenarios. By telling him (unwanted) details about your rides, you are encouraging him to come back to your life, and you probably know it. You don't have to tell him how you are getting the ride, tell him you have the ride - be it uber, lyft, county taxi, or a friend. Don't give any details, Keep things generic. Tell him you are set for next few weeks ride and will let you know if there is anything that you need.
     
    senorita2019 likes this.
  8. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    @senorita2019

    I hear you. But to honestly to tell you I will at least help him on humanitarian grounds if he ever goes through surgery and he needs help from me. I cannot turn my back. Reason is both of us do not have any relatives in the US. Our parents are old and our only siblings are living in different countries. But if he does not want any help from me and wants me to step back I will respect his space. That is the main difference between him and me. I know part of him also feels extremely guilty about causing the marriage to fail. Almost years together my ex has felt guilty about not treating me well. Although he tried to make amends by then I was too deep in depression. Honestly I tried to get all the help I could but depression was a beast that slowly destroyed my personality as well.

    Maybe deep down I am still mourning the loss of my marriage. We had a very happy marriage the first 6 years. Then gradually it crumbled over time due to the timing of our medical issues, immaturity and external influences. Now medical issues were the hardest to deal with. What do you do when a person is acting unreasonable because they are just so sick? If you google the symptoms of Graves disease and depression you will understand what I am saying. And when both are sick at the same time it is much much harder to cope. Every time I would try to heal and move on something more hurtful would happen and I would sink deeper in misery. We were both responsible for the collapse of our marriage. I do take responsibility.


    @Angela123

    I think you did not read my messages correctly. I swear my ex will ask me 7-8 times. I did tell him I am all set for my rides, I will take uber/lyft etc. And then again he will text or call me and ask. Oh gosh !! There are times when I have wished he would find someone he likes and be more happy. He is not healing and not allowing me to heal.

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
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  9. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    I totally understand that you will help him under humanitarian grounds and also feel guilty for breaking the marriage and leaving him in the lurch. But the reality is if you want a clean break, bright future and fresh start you have to move away from him. He can bring his parents or marry someone else or hire a caretaker or ask a friend or train his kids to help around. But he is clinging to you for a reason, the reason is he has seen how you are an easy target to control and thinks he can repeat the same one more time.

    Abusive men love to keep their victims close by and manipulate with love and care if violence does not work. Read up on DV and the tactics men use on DV victims.

    Anyway - your life, your choice
     
    Logicalgal likes this.
  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    My answer was specifically about not taking any help from him under any conditions, even if he ask you a 100 times. It is not about being right or wrong. getting a ride from him was just an example. Healing will take time when you had a longer marriage, by keeping him close, it is not going to be easy on you. So IMO, I would spend more money on uber than taking few rides with him!!!
     
    Logicalgal likes this.

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