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Dealing With A Clingy Ex

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by kavya007, Feb 29, 2020.

  1. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    Please allow me to vent. I was married for 17 years. I have posted 9 yards of my sob story on IL for many, many years. Finally after a long difficult marriage I filed for divorce petition in 2017. We are now even close toward a final settlement. Our marriage primarily failed because of inability to cope with each other's health issues. My ex had Graves disease (hyperthyroid) that reached peak during my postpartum phase in 2006. After that I also got deeply resentful and depressed. After that our marriage was plagued by every kind of obnoxious issue - awful in-laws, domestic violence and extramarital affair.

    I tried my best to solve the issue in my marriage after my ex was diagnosed with graves disease. But in 2012 he assaulted me and I had to call the cops to protect myself. He did have a prior history of becoming highly erratic. After that I lost all interest in the marriage. I begged and begged my ex for divorce using meditation. Basically mediation allows us to stay out of court, lower our expenses and settle the issues to amicably move on. I was like what is the point of going and battling in court. We had already lost so much health and happiness in life. But he would absolutely not agree and get highly emotional.

    Then in 2013 I had an extra marital affair. I felt my ex had no regard for my feelings. One night he said he did not regret beating me up. I was deeply unhappy in the marriage, feeling very lonely, I wanted divorce so I did look for happiness outside. Now I would not say I cheated on my ex because I had offered divorce many times before and even when I got into the relationship I told him upfront that there is someone in my life. Now my crazy ex found out that guy threatened him, chased his car, got my parents involved and it was big big drama. Finally I broke it off with that guy.

    Year after year I was getting extremely lonely. I did not have any companionship with my ex. I basically could not get over the memories of him assaulting me. It was not one or two slaps. He beat me real bad and kicked me hard. When the cops came to my house I was bleeding. I had heard horror stories of aggressive divorce litigation. I was hoping we could see divorce mediator and solve our case like two sensible adults valuing our health and safety. But my ex would not let me go. He would chase me like a college kid. For me it was difficult to share the bed with a guy who has caused so much pain to my life.

    Then finally in 2017 when I knew my in-laws were coming to visit us I filed divorce petition. My ex realized there was no escape. My ex agreed to see mediator within one month. We settled many issues regarding property, custody etc. My ex was to take another home we owned and I was to take the current family home. Per mediation agreement my ex was to move out of the family home in June 2018. Gosh even that was drama. He moved to an apartment just 10 minutes away and that too 10 minutes walkable distance. He cried while moving out and then 3 AM he called me up to say he can't handle the pain and cried more. He tried to desperately call my son several times. Now I was all for 50-50 custody. So I was not even holding back my son from his dad. Finally two days later I let him come to my home not to stay but to visit my son.

    The next few months we were trying to live in separate homes but we would hang out with each other. I never used to visit my ex's apartment but I let him have free access to my home. My son gradually came to a custody schedule. It also made the transition easy for my son. He would stay at my home during weekdays and then go to his dads house over the weekends. In 2019 my ex and I had a major major tiff. I felt he was just dragging on the divorce, delaying the documentation the mediator needed and so on. I decided I needed a lawyer to press for rights. Now that was also major major drama. My ex's parents were with him all the time. I used to live alone but since the time I filed divorce my ex had his parents around to support him. He would emotionally break down. He would say he misses me and wants to see me. I would do everything to push him away. I needed my space to heal and process my emotions as well.

    One day he told me his heart was beating fast. Now when he mentioned such things I would feel scared. Graves disease can be dangerous to the heart and severely affect mental health. I pushed him to see endocrinologist and my ex's TSH levels were totally out of whack. He was having major hypothryoid. In a few months he did calm down maybe due to his parents support. His dad is well educated from a medical background. He is not a doctor but has a PhD in pharmacy.

    We also settled divorce collaboratively using our own lawyers without courts getting involved and all. Even the day we had the final conference I knew my ex would be feeling bad. So I called my ex and asked him how he is doing. I said he will come over to my home and asked me if we could all go for dinner. I said, "Okay". I asked him what his plans are. He tell me " I would like to marry you again". I was stunned. After all we have gone through he wanted to marry me again !!

    In Jan 2020 I had to go through a foot surgery. I told my ex not to come to the surgery center and he still came. He came to know about the upcoming surgery because I had asked for additional spousal support during the time period I would be on short term disability through my lawyer. My income would be reduced when I would be on short term disability. He wanted to be around to help me. I wanted to get away from him and have my own space. My mom was there and friends were there to help me. Now my ex is delaying signing the final settlement papers. He and his lawyer find some issue in the language. Finally I told him make your lawyer write the section you want to modify.

    We have an argument on some of the property sharing and he breaks down crying, saying "he misses me etc". Although my ex wants to remain married over the past few years he had become very secretive about his actions. He would not share anything about finances etc. There was no companionship in marriage. It was a dead shell. My ex did green card for my FIL without my knowledge. So I am still adamant about divorce. The marriage just wore me out.

    By nature I am a kind and compassionate person. I do get very angry when my ex acts all clingy and does not take No for an answer. I am of the type "Live and let live". Now my difficult regarding my ex:
    1. I feel sorry when he cries and breaks down. I can't understand his over emotional nature. Our marriage collapsed over so many years and went thru every possible issue. Especially after DV happened I felt it is better to tell our son his parents are divorced then tell him one of them is in jail. I just cannot share my bed and roof with someone who has assaulted me. Today I feel much happier and safer in my own home. So there is absolutely no going back for me on this decision.
    2. I still do feel worried about his health especially now that he is living all alone without his parents.
    3. I am afraid he may collapse. Graves disease has made him collapse in the past. My son is also deeply attached to his dad and it will affect him tremendously. I encourage my son to go and see his dad often.
    4. My ex is not the kind who parties much, hangs out in bar etc. He tries to maintain a healthy life style but he is not extremely social. Like me he is deeply spiritual and goes often to temples, does yoga and meditation daily. I have a strong support circle but I don't know if my ex has friends.

    Honestly to tell you my deepest fear is the stress of divorce may kill my ex. He pays lot of importance to career success and took up a really stressful job while the divorce was going on. How do I handle my feelings regarding my ex ? Should I do anything to ensure I don't feel responsible for a human beings death?

    Regards,
    Kavya.
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
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  2. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Kavya. Here’s a hug from me.

    Please don’t attach yourself to guilt. Just as you are responsible for your life, he is responsible for his own. If it makes you feel better, you can recommend his to a meditation retreat or meetup. I don’t know if he is willing to meet with a counselor. But whether he goes, is up to him.

    I understand that you also want to help him, because of your son and his love toward his father. Help him as much as you are comfortable, but don’t exchange your mental peace for his marriage proposal. You should not (re)marry someone out of pity.

    More hugs, darling. It will get better. Pray and send good thoughts for his well being.
     
    Anusha2917, AmulB, Amulet and 2 others like this.
  3. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    There is absolutely no way I will remarry him or I don't think I ever want marriage again. It is a big big legal trap. The only reason I even entertained my ex after filing my divorce petition was to show to my son that two people can be divorced and still be humane and kind to each other. It is not guilt. But it is more of worry. I did not cause his Graves disease. He was diagnosed with it in 2004 and it runs in his family. In 2006 just one month after my son was born, he almost had an emotional breakdown. My mom saw I was slipping into postpartum depression. She asked him if she could take me to India so I had the space to heal and then bring me back to USA. My ex just flipped and ran around the house pulling his hair. Finally he fell at my mom's feet. Both my mom and I have never seen anyone in that state. We were both shocked. Few weeks when I told him I do want to go to India he just collapsed saying his heart was beating very, very fast. I was a new mom going through my own postpartum issues and I did not know how to support him. Finally when we met the endocrinolgist she said his TSH level is undetectable. She put him on beta blockers right away to stabilize his heart rate and even told him to take some medical leave. He was just 31. He is very career oriented and refused to take medical leave. Once my ex was put back on the right dosage of thyroid medication he immediately went back to his calm, stable self. Now you get the idea of how this disease can mess with a person's brain and heart. My ex does yoga, art of living practices and meditation for 1 hour everyday. He does know the damage poor health has caused to life and he is diligent about maintaining good health. As a matter of fact I do think he gets quite worried and scared about health issues.
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    @kavya007
    That is a tough life already. I am happy that you are holding yourself together and carrying on somehow. I wish you continued mental fortitude to survive this, and go on to salvage a much happier life.
    Amulet.
     
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2020
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  5. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    This relationship looks romanticized from outside but inside it will drain your life . Looks like he is insecure about moving on . If you lose him at least you have opportunity to see someone without guilty . Proceeding with divorce is best option . Sometimes as individuals you both may function well why spoil health under the name of marriage . Push for divorce agreement and you are better off hiring someone to do the job by spending money than dealing with your ex . He seems to be manipulative not clingy . Think this as last time you are dumping money on this marriage and get it done . The more the time it takes you are sacrificing your happiness. Looks like he is looking for opportunity to get back to your life . You are path for recovery and healing. These kind of people act nice for a month and then when you are emotionally involved in this relationship the true color will come out . Just hire some one who can get this job done and don’t involve yourself.
     
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  7. kavya007

    kavya007 Gold IL'ite

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    You are absolutely right Mangaii it is very draining. I did retain a lawyer to advocate for my rights. Several milestones in the process have been completed. There is absolutely no way I will go back on my divorce decision. A little more push and I will be set free. Thank you for your wise counsel.
     
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  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Not at all wise here but one thing I realized in my life when we are inside emotional turmoil it is so easy to get lost but when we are outside it is easy to see the truth . That is why I love this forum . You get unbiased views from other women and men . It really makes a lot of difference . I truly hope you find happiness in whatever form that matters to you . Just let this go .
     
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  9. Logicalgal

    Logicalgal New IL'ite

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    He is too unstable and too manipulative to get anywhere near him. You should have no guilt. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. Please stay away from him for your own good. If you feel that you have wasted your golden years, no point in wasting more time. Also, if you feel that he is taking care of his health issues, why are you concerned? My guess is that as long as you are not going to get married again, he will try to keep pulling off these stunts and its better to keep him at bay till your child grows up...
     
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  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Kavya,

    Reading your post makes clear the very long and draining battle you have fought for years to make this happen. Which required you to take brave non intuitive but firm decisions. you obviously went through a period of justifying the reasons to yourself, and really checking and rechecking each step to make sure you are making right decision since it impacts your family.
    I feel you still are in this mode of justification even though battle is nearly over. You are also suffering a certain amount of guilt as if you solely caused the breakup of this marriage. You need to snap out of both.

    You don’t really owe your ex anything. He is an adult and responsible for his actions. Yes you are responsible for your kid who is a minor but only for your actions. So try to remind yourself of this again and again.

    Though you set the events in motion it doesn’t mean you are automatically responsible for all the consequences arising from the course of events. Individual free will does exist. People are going to do and say what they want and it is their right to do so. they are adults after all. You have to understand this and let go. Everything is not going to work out exactly the way you envisaged it. This need to control everything is basically coming from a feeling of guilt and over blown feeling of responsibility for the whole situation and each person involved imo. Which makes you want to ensure a favorable outcome for each person involved. Putting such an expectation on yourself is absurd. You have to be okay with unexpected outcomes.
    In last 2 threads here you appear quite preoccupied with other people’s actions and reactions over which actually you had no control. It could be a coincidence but if it isn’t you should become aware of this tendency and correct yourself.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2020

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