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Daughter Has No Social Anxiety!

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by Anusha2917, Jul 2, 2022.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    So here's the thing. I put my parenting queries in a few Facebook groups. I learn a lot from there and almost all the questions get answered. There's one question for which I haven't got proper answer, hence I'm here to ask fellow mommies.
    My daughter almost 21months is a happy kid with usual toddler tantrums. I'm all fine. But one thing which I can't stop worrying is her social skills. She is very very friendly and goes to everyone. No stranger anxiety
    as I see in almost all kids her age (and also in older and younger kids).
    My worry started when she used to smile n laugh n play with any new maid servant whom we appointed. We hired a male cook when she was around 8months n this lil girl used to crawl n go n blabber to him. My husband was always against it and kept telling me that I don't stop her from doing that n used to instruct me to keep her in the bedroom when maid Or Cook came over. It worked for a few days but again it wasn't the best solution. It's not about cook or maid ,she goes to every new neighbour who visits us or whom she sees in lift or play area . The moment someone speaks to her she goes to them.
    My worry is she going to any stranger who calls her. any body who is a kidnapper or someone else who can harm her - what if she goes to them?
    She's only 21m for me to make her understand that she should not be going to everyone like that. Still I keep teaching her to not go. I'm sure she doesn't understand but I keep telling.

    Recently at my sister's son's thread ceremony this one was with two of my cousins the whole time(from 8 am to 5pm). She has met them a couple of times before. Except for having bf , lunch and nap she was with these cousins of mine the whole time playing with them. No matter how much me n husband called she didn't come to us. Wonder why she is doing that. She's with my mom the most of the times at home.But at the ceremony she didn't go to my mom too. This was so worrying.
    Not that my cousin's would harm her but she not coming to us was so worrying. She had a meltdown when they left from the Mantap.
    On other hand she never sleeps without me in the night. Here is her routine:
    We wake up at around 6 30 am and until 9 30 I'm with her doing my morning chores , giving her bath and getting her ready for day care. After I drop her at daycare my mom picks her n puts her for nap in the afternoon. She's a happy toddler who loves to go to day care and almost never cried to go to day care. She stays there for 2.5 hrs.
    Then mom brings her back,gives her lunch. We have a part time nanny to take care of her after she wakes from nap. But my girl doesn't go to nanny (since my mom is there) . If she sees me she will be with me only. But still we have a nanny who takes her to play area, makes evening snacks and plays with her until around 8pm. Then I log off and spend time with her until we sleep at 10pm . I try to give my undivided attention to her during this time. We have dinner together, play something then we do story time and sleep.
    I stopped nursing her around 3months back.

    Yesterday my husband was telling his mom and sisters over video call that she was running around a lot in the mantap and was with my cousins and didn't come to us on calling repeatedly. For this my MIL said if mother gives enough love babies won't go to anyone.
    This hurt me so much and I saw my sister in laws supporting their mom saying with job A is not able to give the attention the kid wants.
    I was always targeted/judged for choosing a 2 hr day care for my kid, for keeping a nanny, for choosing to start my career etc etc . Basically every choice I make a get a resistance from his sisters and parents.
    While I ignore most comments my in laws do I couldn't ignore what she said.
    I am indeed worried
    1) if this is happening for not giving enough attention to my daughter? Even after I started my job I always was there for her nap , feeds and giving solids since it was work from home. But last two months I have trained her to sleep with my mom and ask my mom to feed her lunch. Have a nanny for her park time and evening snacks. But I see no connection at all because my daughter always loved the company of people around and went to everyone even when I was at home and spent all day with her. She's just a social kid who loves others' company.
    2) How do I make this lil one understand that it's not safe to go to everyone?
    3) Am I not spending enough time with her?? Or not giving enough love.

    Not sure why MIL would comment that way. But it hurt me.
     
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  2. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    It’s not a problem. Your daughter got plenty of love and secure parenting that is why she is confident and wants to explore. Enjoy this phase. Soon it will change.

    why your MIL said that - I don’t know. She’s wrong of course (maybe she said it on the spur of the moment or as a joke?), but analyzing those dynamics is a whole another post and besides you didn’t really ask about that! :)
     
  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

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    Ha ha..my niece was exactly the same when she was small.She used to wave her hands from balcony if she sees any vegetable vendor or any random people.She will ask some funny questions to them and talk as if she knows them previous birth..People used to be so happy about this and praise/bless her.She didn't have any issues to start conversations with anyone.Now at 11 years her girly antenna is up and she talks to people or go to them only her parents are nearby.OP don't worry..Your baby is pure bliss
     
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  4. paru123

    paru123 Gold IL'ite

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    A toddler in our neighborhood is exactly like your kid. Smiles at strangers, will go with anyone. Her parents put her in day care from 6 months age and also her parents are very social with all. It is not a matter of concern at all. In fact lucky otherwise some kids are so clingy to their parents that it's a tough time for them to leave them in others care.

    You should always have a trusted person to monitor her till the age of 4 n 5. You should worry only if she continues the same pattern when she is of school going age and away from you all.
     
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  5. Anisu

    Anisu Platinum IL'ite

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    Dont worry. These things would change over time. This was exactly how my Kid behaved upto the age of 2 n half years. She never hesitated to go to any stranger. But things changed one day. From then on, the moment she sees me, she will not go to any one else. She would happily playing with my niece , sister , grandma and neighbours. The minute i was back from office, she would throw so much tantrum and would never to anybody.
    It definitely hurts when somebody just pass such comments. But we give 100% of our attention to the kid and that need not be proved to someone.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your daughter appears to be a confident, secure child who is a social butterfly. There’s nothing wrong with that. At 21 months she will always be under the close supervision of immediate family members so you don’t have to worry about her wandering off with strangers.
    She can interact with people as she is doing now, just make sure one of you always has an eye on her. And she she is not even 2, things can change as she older. You can introduce the concept of distinguishing between friends and strangers as she grows more cognizant.
    For now just enjoy your happy, social baby. Her behavior has nothing to do with whether you are working or not. You should do what you feel is best for yourself and your nuclear family.
    As for your MIL and SIL I have many things to say, none of them polite. I hope your DH shut down their line of talk immediately.
     
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  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    She is a small kid not even 2 years. Your worrying much..
    Once she goes to school, she will understand who is safe person who is strangers. Now she wants to explore that's all.
    As far hanging with cousins, imagine after 25 yrs when she gets married your cousins will relish the moment when she played them as baby.
    Cousins are also family! Noo harm

    MIL - even if you become CEO of Google she will have some complaints. Chrome not working, pixel is worst phone kind, my DIL good for nothing.
    1. Financial independence is you need
    2. With rising Cost of living and inflation who will educate kid, extra classes and food necessary items.
    3. No mil sil will help you ever though few good people still exist in times of hardship.
    4. Mom guilt will be there , give kid undivided attention foe 2 hours, she should know her mom is there , mom is her rock. No one else opinions matter
     
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  8. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    My baby is same age..i understand your concern..She was like this few months back..went to anyone / everone but slowly developed stranger anxiety ..mayb she will also develop with time..Your concern is absolutely right she should have little stranger anxiety so that she understands that not everyone is a good person..keep teaching her..she will understand..If you are satisfied with daycare and nanny no need to worry about you restarting your career..
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Good Morning Anusha. I know this response is a bit late ... The movie of parenting goes at a fast pace .. by now you must have suitably resolved this issue and also crossed couple more challenges and milestones. : )
    There seem to be three main concerns: are you giving enough time and attention to her, how to make her understand about strangers, why MIL etc comment like that.

    Are you giving enough time and attention to her?
    Yes, you are and then some. Look at the quality and quantity of time you are spending with her in a way that's kinder to you! For example, don't say you stopped nursing her three months back. Instead: you nursed her for almost 18 months. You posted your concerns in multiple places. That takes time. Child benefits not just from the time you are actually with her. She is benefitting from the time you spend researching these things. Most likely, she or the solemn job of becoming a parent and parenting have been your first priority since the ttc time. No? Children need loving care and to feel safe. You have made sure she is that at all times. It somehow works out by magic. You can take the help of n people over the years, but mommy will be mommy. Even if you have a job that requires lot of travel.

    How to make her understand about strangers?
    Here again, informed and research oriented mothers like you are always ahead of the issue. For now, you have done what is needed. You will naturally keep an eye on this in the future. Funny aside: my little one at 6 or 7, thought all Indian looking people are "uncles" and one day happily informed me that she gave our address to an "uncle" and said to bring over their kid to our house. : ) That was the time we stopped automatically using "uncle" or "aunty" for all Indian people.

    Why MIL etc comment like that?
    2 hour daycare, nanny, restarting work and your parenting overall.. why do they make unhelpful comments? you will never know. Remember this however:
    "When you finally learn that a person's behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle than you, you learn grace." ~ Allison Aars​

    Though if I were to make a guess for the reason behind the comments, it is that some people don't care for things achieved after a lot of creative management and coordination. You have come up a system involving your mom, a daycare, and a nanny. This is viewed as "too much hassle" and "not reliable, not good enough" and your job/career is considered dispensable rather than using the system you have built and no doubt keep in good form with regular tweaking. I've seen this in my own household. If I find a way to include the interests of all in a vacation, and it involves one day early waking or more driving, it is dismissed as "not worth it."

    TL;DR: Parenting is beautiful but also at times brutal on the soul and spirit. Don't let the scourge of second guessing get the better of you.
     
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