Dagabaaz

Sapna56 · Nov 11, 2018

Hi All
Of late I have been noticing this oversmart behavior of my friend. I knew this before and i kind of ignored that side. But there are some incidents that happened recently which I couldn't ignore. So we also have common friend whom I got introduced recently.
My friend has a habit of getting very close with some one new and then she will have some differences or fights later on. i am member of a group on watspp where i came to know about an event happening. I made these 2 friends aware. Now the oversmart friend showed interest but later on said that she is not interested. Thinking that she is not interested I also declined that event.
This oversmart friend made offline plan to go for this event with the common friend. I only came to know about this at the day of event. This annoyed me.I felt betrayed. This clearly shows that she didn't want to involve me and secretly go with the common friend.Also she is so smart that on top of this she says to me 'didn't we say that we will go'. I mean my DH had also heard this conversation when i was talking with her. It clearly sounded that they are not going.
Please advise me how to deal with this friend. I can't cut her off suddenly nor want to show anger or have fight. But definitely don't want to feel bad coz of this behavior.

Rihana · Nov 11, 2018

Conversations around going to an event are often casual. I have learnt that I take these conversations and the associated commitment more seriously than others. People express interest, change their mind, and change it again. Maybe she excluded you on purpose, or maybe they just missed telling you that they are going after all. You will never know for sure. Try to learn from the experience and move on after altering how much importance you give to that friendship and such incidents. Don't give it so much importance that you break it. Breaking a friendship and keeping it broken, avoiding that person(s) is more work than maintaining it on a hi-bye & some-talk level.

What you can learn -- for such events, let others know about it, and that you are interested. Keep finalization of actual plans only for the day before or so. Do not depend on others to drive. If planning to carpool, be prepared to drive alone. If tickets are needed, buy yours independently. If need to buy adjacent tickets, rethink whether you want to go with such flaky people.

kcb · Nov 11, 2018

Sapna56 said: ↑

Hi All
Of late I have been noticing this oversmart behavior of my friend. I knew this before and i kind of ignored that side. But there are some incidents that happened recently which I couldn't ignore. So we also have common friend whom I got introduced recently.
My friend has a habit of getting very close with some one new and then she will have some differences or fights later on. i am member of a group on watspp where i came to know about an event happening. I made these 2 friends aware. Now the oversmart friend showed interest but later on said that she is not interested. Thinking that she is not interested I also declined that event.
This oversmart friend made offline plan to go for this event with the common friend. I only came to know about this at the day of event. This annoyed me.I felt betrayed. This clearly shows that she didn't want to involve me and secretly go with the common friend.Also she is so smart that on top of this she says to me 'didn't we say that we will go'. I mean my DH had also heard this conversation when i was talking with her. It clearly sounded that they are not going.
Please advise me how to deal with this friend. I can't cut her off suddenly nor want to show anger or have fight. But definitely don't want to feel bad coz of this behavior.
Click to expand...

Even if she changed her mind later and decided to go, still she should have informed you as you are her friend who showed interest in that event. So it's clear that she did that purposefully, may be she wanted some private time with that common friend so that she can become more closer to her.

It definitely hurts, but be professional and do not show any of your feelings infront of her, try to be normal as if that doesn't matter to you. But be cautious from now on and follow the advice mentioned by Rihana

SinghManisha · Nov 12, 2018

We are all adults and no longer in high school. I don’t see why you would decide not to go to the event because the friend pretended to not be interested.
In most western worlds and the current generation in India the focus is on individualism even in social situations.
What your friend did wasn’t right but this should serve as a eye opening experience for you. If you want to go for a event don’t rely on friends if you don’t need to.

SGBV · Nov 12, 2018

I would not depend on a friend on things that I really wanna do.
For ex. If that event is very much I like, despite of that friend's initial denial, I would still make a plan to go (perhaps with that common friend or husband or whoever)
This way, whether she comes later on or not, won't affect me.

And if that event is something not-so-important, and I am OK not to participate, then I would base my decision on others - like your case.
Even, if they change their mind, it won't affect me - afterall, this event is not my priority.

As @Rihana mentioned, such matters are like that only. Not only friends, but even family members keep changing their words, and knowingly or unknowingly forget updating me their changes.
I don't cut ties for such matters with them, but I would express my displeasure openly and tell them I would have been happy/comfortable if I were notified about the changes already.
Mostly, they will apologies, But sometimes they would say they have notified me, but I wasn't serious, or misunderstood etc.
It is tricky. Because at times, it is obvious that you misunderstand or omit certain info thinking they are unimportant. But for them, the matter is already shared.
Sometimes, they might give such lame reasons to escape from the blame.
In fact, they might obviously have forgotten too.
I would give them benefit of the doubt if this was the first time.
If there is a pattern like this, I would drastically reduce the interaction without giving them any reason. A survival mechanism