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Cutting Short In-laws Visits To Usa

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Meet9, Feb 13, 2017.

  1. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear all,

    We all know most of us have problems with In-Laws(ILs). This post is for those people who are finding their ILs are too much interfering, and nosy, and they still want to shamelessly come to US for longer periods of time (like 4 to 6 months) even though they know they dont get along with DILs and create problems in their sons married life.

    I have my own reasons which I dont want to detail here, I am really fed up of them, I cannot tolerate them for more than a month at the max, I have to lock my private personal stuff, I need to be restrictive in wearing clothes, my home personal matters are live commentary to all people around including extended family... I really need some good suggestions and solutions so that ILs frequency to US is none to less..I have some people around whose ILs come only for a month and happily go away, how do they do that? I cant ask them directly because they are not so close....

    My personal situation is:

    1. BIL family in New York, they just arrived a month back from India. US is very new to them.
    2. We stay here near NC, since 12 yrs, they have been here 3 times, all the times created major major fights between me and DH and it was literally hell. Now new thing is we have kids now, so they may not get as bored as they used to earlier..and also we bought house couple of years back so its like they feel we are living a lavish lifestyle although we have major financial issues with me not working...they dont understand that..
    3. now that BIL is here, they may visit more frequently and I dread it. I want to live my life in privacy from them and in peace..

    I have suggested DH to call only when BIL is ready (contributing to their visits financially and they need to spend half time there, more happy if they spend more time there)..we have bought a house here, I dont want them to be too comfortable here that they feel spending more time here (sorry please dont think I am devil, but I have suffered enough in the past).....

    -How often your ILs visit you guys and how long they stay here?
    - How is it for people who have siblings staying nearby/east cost-west coast?
    -Any good tried and tested tips and tricks to gently let them know that they should not be visiting us for longer time?

    Thanks!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2017
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  2. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    Well, did ur BIL ask financial contribution when he looked after ILs all alone back in India? You say they have just re-located and staying in NEW YORK. The first year in US is always back-breaking even if they are staying in low Cost of Living cities. And here we are talking about NY. It is very wrong to ask him to share financial expenses atleast in the initial years. You must be remembering your starting days in US..

    And I have not read your previous posts. So my opinion is completely unbiased.

    They are your husband's parents. They will keep visiting you. Tell them clearly what is required of them. I know ILs are tough to handle. But u cannot avoid them forever if you want to maintain peace and harmony in your family.

    Would you like your son doing that to you?
     
    sindmani and MNR like this.
  3. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    I think I should have given little background , it seems you have read and commented on my other thread so looks like you have an idea about my differences

    We came here as students and most of our 12 years were in studentship days, I did phd while DH did prolonged MS, we struggled a lot here because scholarship money is to just get by, still we both sent money to ILs , after marriage it was consistent however whatever we used to send they did not spend on themselves rather on SIL kids expensive gifts etc, DH wanted to give them comforts but my miser FIL chose to let Living standard below par and splurge on SIL.. so we switched to buying them things they need like health insurance, new fridge, kitchen stuff.. that too landed in SIL home (she is super rich btw)

    BIL stayed with ILs before marriage but after marriage soon after he shifted to rented place within the same city as co sister was not getting along with MIL, BIL is cunning but his wife is 10 steps ahead, They wanted to buy house and behaved they have no down payment my DH helped them (3lakhs) and told me he is not going to ask this money back from him as being elder bro in USA staying for 10 yrs he has not given anything to him.. we were in deep financial crunch plus the pain of being childless was eating me, BIL was expecting second child then.. so he took the money fooling DH he has nothing, cut short to 8 months later, I am pregnant DH is struggling with paying health insurance out of pocket as I had to leave my stressful job, and BIL buys another property in diff city, cut short to 3 months later, he buys land worth 8 lakes and not even a single word of helping my DH for paying his health bills as DH had fractured his hand....
    Today He is much more well off with zero debts 2 kids and good health both of them smart enough to use family resources in cheap way and made properties, both younger to us many years..

    If I go on writing about the cheapness of BIl and FIL I would never stop..

    So this emotional abuse has to end , and it's fair enough to ask him contribute equally.. I cannot become a more loser and stupid again...unless he is ready financially (he is 10 steps ahead of FIL in being miser), I am not spending money on ILs trip here....for his kids my DH spent a lot of money on gold for their ceremonies when they were born thinking that we will earn later this time won't come and for my kid when he was born , they gifted brass utensil and silver stuff.. not that I am greedy for his gifts but at least you should keep some respect by gifting our baby some decent stuff when we did a lot to them..

    As for your advise abt being clear to them of what we expect to maintain family peace, I think I have tried more than 100 times sharing our struggles, our expectations etc but instead they have used it in a way to hurt me more,, being straightforward to them is like talking in front of stone, no point in wasting more energy in explaining them as they do what they want to do and now it has affected my mental health a lot...

    My son will not get nosy interfering and marriage breaker manipulative parents for sure, we will be independent and will be MOST happy to see our son's married life happy in whichever way he wants us too close or at distance whichever way he is happy , we will do it
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
  4. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    I am so sorry, I reacted so fast. Your question reminded me of someone. My co-sis has not visited India since 8 yrs. All my MIL uterus removal, knee operation and FIL eye operation and their travelling everything we spent and took care of them. BIL did not contribute financially or physically. Even with both of them in top companies. they are always running short of money(they say and we believe). After we moved to US, ILs were coming to see BIL new house. Co-sis made us share the expenses. She kept them for 15 days. She drove them away on some veg.-non-veg. pretext. And rest of the days they stayed with us. We were new to US.. struggling with finance, new environment, flu, cold.. we r in N east coast. Till now, I have not spoken with my co-sis. Its been 5-6 yrs. now. She is afraid of me. She cannot face me.

    And you can say that my MIL is reincarnation of devil himself. She was bad-mouthing me even when I looked after her during her post-operation recovery stage. I hate her to the core of my heart. But still we all have duties to do. My parents were like.. look after ur MIL first .. afterwards you can confront her..

    All I can suggest u is you have a wonderful husband. Atleast for him you will have to accept his parents. Leave out BIL and his family if they are mean to you. Make corrections with ILs. Expect some nasty remarks coming from ILs just like we do in office. Its only matter of 4-5 months. Do all of your duties but maintain distance emotionally (so that your feelings don't get hurt). You will gain your husband's respect and peace in your family for LIFETIME.
     
    NaiveLady, sindmani and Meet9 like this.
  5. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks and no need for sorry, I felt little bad but I hadnt told my background...and now I know based on your experience you were writing your POV. :)..I want to know when your MIL had these health issues, did your co-sister know how much you are contributing? were you in communication with her? in my case, when BIL got married, my ILs tried their best to create differences between my co-sister and me, ILs always try divide and rule policy.... make 2 DILs away from each other and enjoy the drama.... they never liked me from the beginning because I did not get along with their insecure, jealous daughter..now they tried to involve co-sister with SIL as much as they can but they could not...but since they cut communications with my co-sister, our relation as co-sisters could not develop and it is v v easy to create misunderstandings when you are staying at distance....I still feel my co-sister can be good person and we can have better relation, I have hope there but BIL knows it and he doesnt let that happen...and we go back and forth "they did this with me so I am going to do this" and this circle continues and ILs thrive on this fight.....

    Also one more thing is when we come to US as students, its easy to get into american lifestyle, you take things for granted that you study advanced degrees you will get good high paying jobs but meanwhile you get credit card debts..not because necessarily you are loose on expenditure but because the lifestyle here is if you do not socialize on weekends, you will go insane, weekdays slogging like crazy and weekends doing errands you need an outlet, and so whatever opportunity you get for getaway you do that, in India you can save more because the expenses are less, you can easily socialize with family friends in almost no price....you can do lots of stuff in India without digging your pocket....plus some of the high flying dreams get shattered when you actually land jobs, If I were in India as a phd, I would easily be at a managerial position in a private sector but here things are different with foreigners...visa sponsorship is very hard in private sector for non-IT people...some one who is not working in IT, would know what I am talking about..

    If both co-sister and BIL are working with high paying jobs, where is their expenditure? in debts? kids? it is highly unlikely that BIL knew that his mom is not well, and he is not able to give money for expenses or contribute to it while he is enjoying luxurious lifestyle or has fat bank balance, most sons do not have this conscience....something must be off....In my case, there were lots of factors, we used to send but it was spent not on ILs comfort for which we used to send but it was like we are spending on others kids while making a big dent in our budget (which included risk for fertility treatment in case we cannot conceive naturally).....when you know your conscience is clear, you did right things then it becomes easy not to feel guilty.

    As a person from the other side of fence, try to think if ILs could have created differences with your co-sis, or if the communication between you and her is clear and still she did not contribute, or they have any problems like co-sis mom/bro/sister have been the cause of their financial issues..only if you want to get along with her and still think of extending olive branch...Clear straightforward communication is the KEY....I would give my co-sister few more chances to mend the relation, if it works it is great else we will see...

    I hope they come here only once for couple of months, I just dread the repeated frequent visits, it just drains peace of my home if they were nice to me, would have understood me genuinely, were really genuine with me, I would have gladly accepted them....in my last india visit, I literally caught them talking behind my back, as soon as I turn my back, both MIL and FIL start talking about me in low tones..
     
  6. Itshightime

    Itshightime Bronze IL'ite

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    My co-sis is a miser. Yes she knows about everything. She did not attend her father's last rites. Her father had been critically ill since long. His passing away was kind of predicted by docs. She cud ve taken some days off for final see-off. But no.. it was too costly for her.. She has all eyes on ILs property which is only a bangla.. Since
    I did not have son, she was asking to make it in her son's name. After I had son, she was angry. I personally have no interest in that bangla.. I have whatever I need..

    My in-laws are like .. they try to please her more b'coz their son is getting away. They get her jewelry and all and when i object they say u get so much from parents..why u need? u r so greedy.. It is not just the material things.. its the feeling. I do so much for them and they go on gifting her. They have not gifted me anything for any of my function. And she never ever did absolutely anything for them.

    Co-sis is of the mentality that she is queen and everyone shld serve her. For me, she is a nobody.. atleast for me she is a closed chapter..

    Dont worry ... Talking behind back in low-tone is every In-law's forte... :) Dont give it a thought unless they are influencing ur husband.. And have a happy and joyful pregnancy. Stop worrying. Concentrate on the little life inside u. Remember everytime u smile happily, happy well-being feelings get to the little one. Close ur eyes and ears to outside world.
     
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  7. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    thanks! wow looks like your co-sister has some real issues..If I were you, I would not feel like serving such ILs who are being so blatantly unfair to you, please make sure the property settlement is equal between your DH and BIL (and it should not depend on kids)..
     
  8. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    What a complicated mess! That's a lot of family politics. What is your husband's relationship to all of this? Does he think that he is being taken advantage of by his brother? and his parents?

    Anyway, about your original question, about cutting IL visits short. My in-laws are in town every year for 2-3 months (far more than I can handle), and now, I think they will be coming more often since my MIL retired. One way that you can try to handle it is by planning their trip for them, and arranging their dates to your convenience. While this may not reduce the number of times they come, but at least, you have some control over the situation. Also, since you are planning the travel and accommodations, you can ask BIL's family to pitch in. Any family decisions, I make sure that we conduct a family conference call, so that everyone is involved and everyone is accountable for the decision. So, for example, it was decided WITHOUT my knowledge, that my FIL was coming to the US for 2 months. Originally, he was planning for 1 month with us, and the 2nd month with BIL, but again, without my involvement, they decided on 2 months with us, and 1 week with BIL (he's a bachelor living in the middle of nowhere). Naturally, I was annoyed, but I decided to work actively in arranging the travel plans with all members of the family, and was able to extend (with their acceptance) my FIL's stay with BIL for 2 weeks. Doesn't sound like a big win, but I needed the extra week of break.

    Also, do your inlaws like to travel/sightsee? if they do, you can coordinate through the conference calls for then to go on week-long trips. At least, it'll keep them out of your hair for a little while.

    If you noticed, my policy, is 'Kill them with Kindness' - at least you leave with conscience intact and a good name
     
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  9. Meet9

    Meet9 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you very much! My DH is sandwiched between me and parents, He loves me a lot for sure..but also he as a person has extremely high desire and sense of duty and responsibility towards all the people around him, he has been the best husband but in this case he feels that towards his parents also he owes something so that he doesnt feel guilty in future, and yes he is very much attached to his parents, even though I know its one sided.....but he doesnt want to accept this...he has been conditioned and brought up in a such a way that to gain his parents affection and support he needs to give them something....in US we know how lonely it can get some tmes, you miss home and he had a perfect loving childhood with extended families and summer vacation in carefree village environment....he misses all that...he has memories in the home he is bought up.....
    For his sake, I have tried to mend and maintain good relations in all these years..but seriously enough is enough..its affecting my health now...I am not going to tolerate their sh*t anymore... If parents know that their DIL is taking care of their son and is maintaining a happy family, should not they be happy for their son? No in my case, since it was a love marriage and that too intercaste, (north-south indian), they for long waited our relation to break, they used to fantasize about it....ala it didnt happen and now also I am like an outsider always.....forever I will be outsider..

    I feel bad for you that your parents in law come so often, I cant imagine living like this with my in laws, like every year..no way! I so hope they dont get visa this time..even if they do, I will try best to steer them away as much as I can......
     
  10. boldnbutiful

    boldnbutiful Silver IL'ite

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    My in laws visit for 6 mknths at a strecth... This time it was really testing my patience..they came when I was almost ready to pop and MIL made me serve her she used to sit on couch ,watch daily soaps and eating fruits that were bought for me(never evn offered).,I never spoke a word..

    After delivery when my mum came she started tauting her,disregarding and shouting on her,I couldn't bear it and reacted in aggression...
    now they tel everyone that I am a very bad DIL who scolds sati savitri of MIL...

    As one of the poster here mentioned even my husband was raised with feeling that t earn respect of parents he has to financially support them..if they were suffering for money I wouldn't have a problem they take money and spend it on travelling,luxuries,giving to relatives etc and we here have to struggle for every penny (single income in Sydney is very very difficult to get by)...

    In laws are prejudiced by a.feeling that DILs are their slaves and have to do what they say...if we dun agree we become villains..no idea when this opinions change...we can't even completely cut them from our lives because of innocent husbands who worship the land they walk when IL stomp their married life and disrespect for.not sending money..
     
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