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Cutting Off Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reena26, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This middle ground is better when it comes to dialing down a relationship. Don't cut off completely, keep it to hello/bye, and they are welcome to visit but you don't go out of your way in the welcome/hosting. They become personae non gratae to you while retaining visiting rights to your home.
     
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  2. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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    You are worrying unnecessarily thinking about future . Live in present condition. Cutting them off completely is not possible so develop a thick skin, keep your guards up and most importantly be with your kid when he goes to India. Your son will soon be disconnected from all these video calls so don't worry about that. Work on overcoming your fears and be mentally strong.
     
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  3. Vaikuntha

    Vaikuntha Platinum IL'ite

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    You are worrying too much!
    Most cousins in India cannot relate to American cousins. Most probably, he will be left alone by his cousins in India. No one will try to influence him. You are worrying excessively and going down the rabbit hole.
    Please do not think, so much and so much in future and so much of bad situation for yourself.
    Everything will turn out okay for you.
     
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  4. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

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  5. Reena26

    Reena26 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you for all the responses! I don’t want to come in the relation between my child and his cousin/grandparent. But it is hard. It also depends on how Westernized your spouse is. It is to be expected that I as an NRI will be different as I am not from India. My husband - he is the one that gets asked and will get asked in India why his son is so Americanized - my son is even more far removed from culture than me. Because my husband has adopted Western way - started eating non veg once he came here, likes all kinds of Western food, music, movies etc. I am actually the one who teaches my son the festivals and Indian food. I gave up a lot of my self identity in the marriage - natural but not to extent where it is all gone. I am just now after 10 years getting it back.
     
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  6. Reena26

    Reena26 Bronze IL'ite

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    Last edited: Feb 12, 2020
  7. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Isn't that always the case, when it comes to in-laws? Any distance you build up eventually ends up isolating YOU, not necessarily them?!

    Excuse me OP, I ask this because I can't think of what ELSE one could do in your situation!
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Honestly..what you said is deep..
    True when you said the distance we maintain from them ends up isolating us eventually...

    True!!
     
  9. NaiveLady

    NaiveLady Senior IL'ite

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    I have almost reached that point myself. The thing is, in general I am bad at completely cutting people off. (Had a very high maintenance friend, whom I used to be close with, but over time the drama and stress got to be way too much and I then kept her at a cordial distance but didn't have the courage/heart to completely cut her out since we still have mutual friends). That sort of relates to how I interact with in-laws too - these days I only speak with them on birthdays/other special occasions, and never initiate talk anymore with them but am polite/cordial on the rare occasions when we do speak. I distanced myself from them as they are very traditional and orthodox, and while I am fairly spiritual I am nowhere near as orthodox so we clashed many times due to that. I also don't agree with the mentalities you mentioned - women being second class, etc. My father is no more and my mother has been criticized by my in-laws on a few occasions, even though they should have been more sympathetic and kind towards her. It is easy for me to mostly avoid them since I live here in US (in fact, was raised in US from age 6) and they are in India.

    Also, that is okay if your son is Americanized, he has the rest of his life to figure out how he wants to live and whether he wants to connect more with his cultural/ethnic background. If he doesn't, that's okay too. I think its more important to be a good and kind person who wants to help others and make sincere and honest efforts in everything one does in life. As for the expectation to follow their culture always, when does that expectation stop? It feels like it will never be enough for them, which is the main reason I chose to distance myself over time.

    Good luck!
     
  10. NaiveLady

    NaiveLady Senior IL'ite

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    Also, don't let them stop you from going to India - if you do you are giving them the power/satisfaction of knowing they got to you. Just hang out with relatives/visit some location outside of where they live, or if you have to stay with them, hang out with neighbors/cousins/others/just with your husband more than with them if possible.
     

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