1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Cutting Off A Narcissistic Friend Of Two Decades

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by Laks09, Oct 21, 2021.

  1. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Laks,
    Hugs to you. Dealing with people who compete with you is bad enough but when they do that with kids, it drives me up the wall.

    I have realised that the best way to deal with intrusive questions is to just make haughty statements and move on. The stress is on The moving on bit.

    "That's a personal question!"
    "That's intrusive"
    "I don't want to talk about it."
    "My child doesn't like to talking about her business"(i think i learnt this from you eons ago. That anything between you and your child that the child wants to keep private, will be unless they give explicit permission)
    Or the best is "I can't get into that now. I gotta go"

    I use such stock phrases, put on a "face" - pleasant but impersonal and move away. Could be in parties or on the street. The questions dictate my attitude...

    Hope one such response works out for you xx
     
    Vedhavalli and Laks09 like this.
  2. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,260
    Likes Received:
    10,132
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    This makes so much sense, sir. I have to use mindfulness practice flow into my regular life. Boundaries have to be made in my mind.

    I have also decided to not police my family anymore. My daughter is an adult and she already knows the situation and is capable of blocking/removing the people she doesn’t want involved in her circle. Same with the DH. I’m already feeling better about the situation by analyzing the responses here. I think I should not let her impact me as much and not let her walk all over me.
     
    anika987 and Viswamitra like this.
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    625
    Likes Received:
    802
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    If you really think she is exhibiting Narc behavior. There is nothing you can do to change her.

    Only thing that can work is NO CONTACT. do not worry on the consequences, just go NO contact, they are energy suckers. I have a neighbor like that , it is always about her.

    they have a serious mental illness, i do not even blame her spouse. if she really is what she is. she might have even made him crazy to do crazy things to keep him sane.
     
    anika987 and Laks09 like this.
  4. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,260
    Likes Received:
    10,132
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I really needed the phrases gueshoo! Thank you for stopping by and giving me this. I think I need to practice this with my DH to be better at it.
    I always tell her I don’t discuss my daughter’s stuff because she doesn’t like it but I think I don’t phrase it right. I am going to rephrase my responses. This is really helpful. Thanks again for stopping by!
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,260
    Likes Received:
    10,132
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Lavani,
    I have realized this, albeit a little late. I think things are the way they are because we have a long history and I somehow let it get this far. I did bring this upon myself in some sense. I had sensed the low self esteem years ago. Better late than never! We are seeing each other only because we are in some social circles together and things are that way because I continued socializing with those groups. One of the reasons I still continued is because the other groups of families were very good to my little guy. It’s hard for us to socialize with a special needs child. It’s harder because my husband isn’t a social butterfly and has limited people he can hang out with. My friends are different from our family friends. I was ok with that but I think we need to expand our family circle. This is a good time to think about that because coming out of the pandemic we are going to start seeing people soon, hopefully.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,600
    Likes Received:
    3,391
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Even though NO CONTACT is a good method to get rid of a narcistic person, in your case I believe GREY ROCK is a better and practical approach. As you are part of the groups involving her, other people can notice NO CONTACT , it can feed more supply to your narcistic friend and more drama. Grey rock will make them loose interest in you.

    So, go for no contact as much as you can, but when in a social setting use grey rock. Avoid them as much you can. These persons are looking for narcistic supply. So don't give the reaction they are looking for. Be calm and neutral, very formal like a professional. Talk about neutral topics like weather, not personal .

    Don't share anything too personal. Be secretive. If they criticize you, or family members, change topics or use the sentences @guesshoo suggested or say nothing special/as usual, I was busy, fine thanks...etc. Be boring as much as you can.

    I don't have much experience with these kind of people. But if anyone try to push my buttons even after ignoring, or changing topic etc.. I agree with them, 'oh yeah' 'hmm', 'maybe' or 'we’ll see', or 'I will do'. Hear and leave it through the other ear. If they still criticize you or put you down, or cross your boundary then 'Ok you can think whatever you feel..it is up to you, but I don't care much about whatever others think as I know who I am' and be cool & give a smile. Most of the time this approach shut them off. If you don't want to even talk to them, just look and give a blank look. Don't initiate any talk, limit reply in words, don't bring any past topics. But, be pleasant and confident. As you know the person, imagine all scenarios, and practice reply in advance. Always, think before you talk. Its tough I know, but no other option here.

    Remember, its a personality disorder they don't have any control of it. It is not about you, so don't take any thing to heart, ignore as much as you can, don't give the reaction they are looking for, don't fall for their triggers. Learn more about this ( google or YouTube) approach. Also, learn to define boundary. I feel in your case you didn't. They generally don't respect it , so we need to enforce it. Don't allow anyone to cross your boundary, stop them right there. But, never try to call them out or change them. It will never work. Running away from the problem can be a solution, but if we don't have any other option, we have to face the problem with courage. But, be who we are, no need to change it for other person as long as we do the right things. Let them (malignant people) think what they want, who cares?
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2021
    Laks09, Vedhavalli and lavani like this.
  7. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    839
    Likes Received:
    1,223
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    She isn't happy with her life overall.
    I believe in positive negative vibes. It's strongly negative vibe definitely impact your health so try to go cold with her.
    Only strong boundaries will work, bullies themselves cut off their nose somewhere.
    Because they don't target one person they find new targets.
    I'm 100% sure she won't miss you when she finds a new target they delete your existence from thier memories once you cutoff/set strong boundaries because you stop feeding her.
    You will come out of this phase with mental stronger health, narcissist people believe they think they know everything they will move on.
    I have a narcissistic sibling I'm slowly crossing the phase.
     
    chanchitra and Laks09 like this.
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,260
    Likes Received:
    10,132
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    DDream,
    Thank you for stepping in. I think this is the method I need while in social setting. I looked it up online and also saw YouTube videos and realized this will work well.

    I got the connection with NPD and this friend from one of your old posts. You had posted or mentioned about a video and I watched and realized what it is.

    Thanks again for stepping in and helping me out. I think I have done a lot of blocking and no contact but hadn’t got a handle on how to be curt and no nonsense when we do bump into each other. Viswa sir’s response along with yours and gueshoo’s has helped me understand that I need to make the distance in my mind, give only the bare minimal response and move on!
     
    DDream likes this.
  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,260
    Likes Received:
    10,132
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    True, right now I only want no drama people around me and I’m seeking them out and socializing. I’ve minimized my interactions a lot these days because quality matters!


    I’m so so sorry Vedhavalli. May you find the strength to let go. Even with a friend of a few decades it hurts knowing. I can’t imagine what it’s like with a sibling. From what I’ve experienced, it gets much much worse with age. So you are doing the right thing by letting things lie low and creating that boundary in your own mind right now.
     
    Vedhavalli likes this.

Share This Page