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cunning Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Indumati, Mar 2, 2007.

  1. vidhya parani

    vidhya parani Senior IL'ite

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    dear indhu,

    when i read your post...my heart was beating like :eek:mg::eek:mg::eek:mg:....this is something like a whole paragraph taken out of my mind.....i had exactly the same problem as you describe...only difference is that i dont have a SIL, so they compare me with their sister's DIL....it is living hell when someone constantly tells you that you are not good enough...and always dominate everything.....i've successfully come out of it only by the full support of my DH...even i kept quiet for 3 yrs...but then i started making my DH understand things...he is such a nice person, he couldnt even dream of the fact that his parents could be wrong....but i explained things patiently and without adding lies or hiding facts....you have to make your DH see things in plain light and understand....and also how much you love him...in a situation like that, i felt my marriage itself could be destroyed by constant brain washing....so i had to act fast at the same time in a very mature and patient manner...winning the trust of DH is the only solution to this....talking rudely to inlaws or disobeying their wishes is very easy but it will only worsen your problem...then DH will also look at you from their view point..so be patient and make DH understand you and the problem completely.. then your in laws will be forced to behave reasonably with you....all the best!
     
  2. agathos

    agathos New IL'ite

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    Dear Indu,

    I felt as though am reading my story here!!
    Its one year since I got married and life has been the worst since then!! First me and my husband had issues which needed sorting out. And then the same stuff with ILs interfering, dominating, being sarcastic, ill treating etc Infact its word to word same with my ILs too!
    With lot of mental strength, somehow me and husband had worked things out and were kind of getting closer, but now they visited us for a short period and spoiled everything!! today neither of the problems have been solved! Instead I have fresh problems, they have been telling all relatives that they are going to divorce and stuff...and I have a bad name with everyone!!
    God knows whats patience and what is the ideal amount of it....
    I am suffering with depression and low bp and chest pain and what not!!!
    and you wont believe people say am acting.....
    anyways....
    after reading this post...it feels like lot many are sailing in the same boat....
    and that lots of others who seem to have a good relation with ILs have been through this before...
    Lets pray that we will also go past this rough phase soon....
     
  3. Yiva

    Yiva New IL'ite

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    Do not worry agathos. even i get such physical problems whn im mentally upset.
    U hav to stand for ur rights.... don hav to fight them
    jus give them a reply in the same tone and manner they do

    my advice to u is try to chant hanuman chalisa... it gives me gr8 strength
    try tht... u can search for it in wikipedia.

    Indu,
    My inlaws act so differently whn my DH is home and whn he goes for work.
    I din understand this chameleon behaviour for some time
    whn i understood tht....... it was all topsy turvy
    in this case my mom was the best advisor... she said praise them in front of ur husband and reciprocate the same way as they do to u whn ur hubby is at work
    after some time they wil learn and b careful with u

    now tht is wht is happening

    to all u girls thr... u don hav to fight with a sword
    u can fight with a very good made up smile
    b clever in such situations rather than being emotional

    stand for ur rights and one imp thing..... win ur hubby's confidence
    tht is definitely imp.

    read hanuman chalisa daily
    it wil giv u immense strength... both mentally and physically

    and if at all my in laws talk to me abt getting my husband married off to some one else
    im sorry to say this..... no matter how elder they r il file a case against them asking "y they wasted my time? " they cant get away tht easily... wil make them feel tht they shd hav nvr seen me in their life:bang


    so don worry ppl... chill out and make ur life more happenning
     
  4. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh my God. I too am facing the same problems! I could associate myself with each of your stories... In the initial days of my marriage, I didnt understand or pause to think that my in-laws could also be so cunning; I just put the blame for things on myself or on circumstances. It was bcos these ppl were considered "ideal", with very good reputation among family & friends. But after some time, I found a lot of coincidence and too many issues, that I am now sure that they are (directly or indirectly) the cause of many problems in my life. I have found 1 thing: they have a different yardstick for their daughter or others and their dil. They have already messed up my life by brainwashing my husband about the character of myself and my parents & relatives. They take me for granted. My DH cant see the wrong side of them. (I dont know for sure if he does see and pretends not to, or doesn't realise their faults at all...; I think it's probably the latter case). I too used to react then & there and ponder over all the issues. This created a lot of unforeseen problems in my life, and I felt my husband was taken more away from me. WitsendSo now, I have learnt to be deaf to them and their comments (even DH's comments). Still I cant avoid the pondering over part. I really dont know how and whether or not to speak the issues I have with my in-laws to my husband... I'm afraid he wouldn't see it in my light, and he would call me ungrateful for all his parents' help & goodness (this is what he usually says about me to his parents and even straight at me, even when I havent told anything about them to him! bonk How cunning they should be to put such thoughts into his mind!)

    I've got a lot of support and courage by reading this thread. :idea Will be patient and try to tackle things with more maturity. I only hope my DH at least starts trusting me...
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2008
  5. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hey, Yiva

    I liked your points very much. Its a good thing to become cunning like them. But have you encountered issues, wherein they complain to your hubby about your behavior in your DH's absence and DH trusts them and not the other way round???

    Even I feel like doing the same thing at times, but get scared of the fact that my hubby trusts them more than me. Witsend

    So, give us some tips as to how do to gain confidence of your husband???

    My in-laws are very sweet with me when my DH is around. The moment he steps out of the house they start venting out. And normally I get pi**ed off and start venting it out on my hubby and the result is, he never trusts me.bonk

    He feels I cook up the stories and his mommy dear is another Mother Teresa, who is a complete selfless person.
     
  6. sandu

    sandu Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, I too want to know how to achieve this! Pls share some tips. As N@!Sr! says, hubby sides his parents even b4 i start complaining, and so this leaves me mouth-shut! He thinks the same way as his parents most of the time; this is understandable as it is THEY who have brought him up. How to make him see things from my angle??

    Also, i've noticed that DH believes whoever reports some issue to him first. It's always his mother who makes a mountain out of a molehill. She does all the regular updating & reporting stuff, and so, he believes her version of everything. How do I overcome this?

    (Should this be moved to a separate thread? Moderator, pls help!)
    Thanks!
    Sandhya
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2008
  7. PrabhaSaravanan

    PrabhaSaravanan Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi friends,
    Me too would like to share this with you all ...as I have no one else to relieve my stress....
    My mother in law used to enquire abt my salary even before my marriage and this month I dint give any as my salary is wasted everymonth...so decided to do some investment and got a plot in outskirt of chennai..
    so she is saying yesterday to her son,,,"every month 20,000 is being spent for house hold and you are giving only 5000 only your dad is putting the remaining how will I manage ...you have to look after us but in our home we are looking after you" It was very killing for me.
    I dint even like to eat there then , but since I am pregnant I had some dinner and slept crying...
    she is always expecting to give all the money to her which is very bad actually...
    How to tolerate and handle this.

    regards,
    PrabhaSaravanan.
     
  8. rin

    rin New IL'ite

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    hi ladies

    its a very common but serious problem of most of us........
    lets share how to overcome on this inspite of telling problems
    i think husband support and love is the important weapon for us to fight
    can't say about ladies who have already lost their hubby 's trust in this matter
    but it can be useful for new one........

    mine is love marriage and believe me my MIL among the most cunning ladies of the world.....she tried everything for marring my husband to other girl in place of me
    but its happen due to God grace......
    me and she both had bad mindset about each other......and which was the cause of
    our fights..
    my husband is little diffrent he do not shout on me but he just cried in front of me or my MIL if there is serious fight and we both just bow our heads in front of each other just bcause of my hubby........
    basically its depend on ur husband how he manage.........
    so u need to make him prepare u need to b sweet for him..be like a poor child in front of your in-laws and see if ur husband protect but if not don't b like this and use ur mind:idea

    i report every issue to my husband first as i use sms facility when i am at home
    somtimes when my MIL fight and i just on the phone and let my hubby listen and i keep quite......and believe me its work........coz he listen everything live......
    remember if ur inlaws r cunning u also need to b a little politician.
    if ur MIL dominet u saying u are not good enough report this to your husband but
    not in complaint way but say "dear i know I don't deserve you but i feel hurt when ur mom said so give me a chance to prove myself.......etc etc.
    means use such tricks to overcome such cunning inlaws..

    let me hear more from u............
    TC:coffee
     
  9. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hi, Rin

    Could you please tell me what should I do in situations like this?? I hope I am not bothering you with my personal problems but as I already mentioned that I tried reporting everything to my hubby about the cunning behavior of my in-laws by requesting him, sobbing, pleading etc. But the usual answer that I get is, "when did my mom say so to you??? I have not heard about it... etc..."bonk

    For ex: My MIL sent her son to the grocery shop and started questioning me as to how much we save every month?? Her usual advice is, dont save anything now. Send all the money to us and we will keep them for you. How much amount does my DH lend me every month?? "How much do I send home every month(my home)? ??If my parents are dependent on my income?? If my sis is studying on my DH's money? etc".

    To add to this, whenever my husband and I go to my parent's house, my MIL refrains from giving all the clothes of her son to carry, fearing that my dad would wear them:crazy:********

    After seeing all these, I dont know how my hubby keeps his mouth shut completely??

    Now, I decided to confront them my way as I am fed up of my hubby. :evil:
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2008
  10. rin

    rin New IL'ite

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    hi

    Nr@... your MIL seems very cunning and sick by mind as she think such rubbish
    you need to teach her that you and your parents are having their own dignity
    and ur MIL is not own that.
    you need to be little witty do not react at the same time and also do not complaint
    to your hubby as he seems deaf to listen anything abt his loving mom..let it be
    all MIL do tonting actully they love to do it to dominet their DIL now you need to do the same with her......but on right time........
    for the reply of above incident you should see ur MIL mood when she is just normal
    just talk her about ur any fren (fake name) tell her how she over come on her trouble
    made by her Inlaws or hubby....etc moto is to just relize her that a DIL can do anything she is not a doll.
    in front of ur MIL near one or any person just tont her saying "don't know some people think my husband is stupid he don't know how to handle his money whom to give or whom to not...now a days saving is important ppl first see their home latter others.etc

    keep tonting her but not in front of your husband and if anytime ur MIL report this to your DH tell him you didn't said so and ask your MILin front of ur hubby "mummy if u have any complaint first tell me we will try to sort out between us why to tell DH
    he is working hard and such tension divert his mind from work.....unnessary fight don't give anything we are one family and we should handle everthing between us etc etc.

    remember tont her when she is in good mood and never reply her tont when she tont u
    keep ur face smiling and just be deaf show her as u didn't listen.

    and in case ur hubby complaint you if his mom compaint abt u to him just tell these lines"dear how can u think i can reply so i didn't mean it i am sorry and you plz don't take tension i don't want you to get tension on such silly issue you do ur work i will handle everyhing in home......just add "i love u".etc
    i believe it will help u......
    lets see what other ladies advice.

    tc rin:coffee
     

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