cunning Inlaws

Dear Indumathi,
I felt very bad after reading your experiences and I personally know how horrible it will be as to some extent I am also still experiencing(10 years have gone). I know how hard it will be to be patient, bec I am a person with quick and high temper which I have practiced to control.

I will tell you how I managed and am managing. Be physically present and mentally absent. If you are used to tell slokas without seeing book be it anything, keep repeating in your heart right from the moment you get out of bed till you go to sleep. Cultivate yourself a hobby, like painting, reading books something like that and keep yourself engaged after your work at home even if you are a working woman.

It is difficult at this age to change your inlaws so why try in waste to change them better let us adapt. As others said keep praising even the small things they do. Remember their Birthdays, Wedding days give them some small gifts which they want. But anyhow dont just wait for the occassion. If you are going out for a small outing even let it be for shopping for vegetables get something for them. Get them something to snack, or a bottle of maaza. Keep pampering them as if they are small babies. Do the same to your hubby too. Pampering will definitely give a great result. Make sure not to fret, talk or boast whatever you are doing, but keep doing. Dont complain too.

Keep PAMPERING at the same time dont forget your mental and physical health too. Keep yourself fit by yoga and meditation or small walks.

ALL THE BEST. Hoping to get a good result msg from you soon

 

Hello Indumati,

I have been following your post, but after reading todays post I wanted to reply. I donno how many times I have mentioned in front of my hubby that if your parents are nominated for oscars they will sure win .

Anyways coming to your problem, as others have suggested, I think you should indulge yourself in some better activities than to think about them and waste your precious life over that. Also be mentally strong.....if you don't let your in-laws take you for a ride...then they won't. Its upto to you to handle them either tactfully and being nice in front of them OR grabbing your rights forcefully. In any case be mentally strong and practice some mediation keep you grounded..also try to involve in some activities or get into a job.

I was like that too.....taking everything to my heart and thinking over it and worrying a lot. I tried being nice and tactful...but it didn't work and I was still the scape goat for everything.They control my hubby from India too over phone calls and everything. My SIL also has joined the gang....but now I just don't give a damn for all that. Last year my in-laws came here on the pretext of "helping me" after delivery...they created a big scene and drama with all our desi neighbors here and went back after creating a huge storm ( I should say Tsunami not a storm) between me and hubby. Such a big storm that my hubby didnt even see our daughter's face for 3 months.....staying in the same home!! I used to manage everything alone during that bad phase - looking after baby, working (I work full time) It was a horrible phase...but I learned to be mentally strong. My in-laws even went to the extent of scaring my mom (my dad is no more)...they sent some thirdparty far relative to our home in India to check on my mom's reaction etc. My FIL even said I can get my son married again...for which I answered on his face "Sure....get him married again.,...me and my daughter will happily come and attend the wedding and also give a gift". Then he used another weapon like my son spent so much money on you etc etc.....for which I replied "yeah please make a list and give it to me and I will repay everything with interest". Then he brainwashed my hubby saying that just because she is working she is egoistic and adamant..ask her to quit her job and stay home. He was stunned with my answers....I dont think he expected such sharp and blunt answers from me..he always thought I was mild and soft spoken girl, which I was till last year. I think he thought that all his 17th century tricks will work on me...but hearing my answers he must have realized that its not his meek wife he is talking to...its a 21st century woman who knows how to manage things.
Don't let them control you. About them controlling your hubby...leave that to him to make that decision....if he wants to be controlled and lead his life like a puppet or make his own decisions balancing his time....then he will turn around I feel. When you say they control you over phone....don't even respond to such things.....act like you didnt hear anything.

Take care,
Sihi

 

This happened to me too,Sihi.I actually had attended 8 interviews and 9 bank exams before landing a job in a multi-national bank.My family was not really well -off.My dad did not have a job for atleast 10 years and that too when we were in school.My parents went thru' a lot of hardships to get us educated.There were so many loans to be paid off by the time we graduated.So it was inevitable,we had to work.By the time,I got married,we finished paying off all the loans and even saved enough to get jewels for ourselves.It was definitely not a cake-walk for me and my sis.How will our in-laws ever understand all this.The moment we get married,they will say-ok,now give up your job and stay at home.Is it so easy? What about our parents..who will take care of them in their old age.

 

Yeah exactly Sunitha...how will in-laws know the hardships we have gone thru before marriage. Infact my parents know how much tensed I was when I didnt get any job in my campus interviews....I didnt eat food and struggled to get a job...and I love my job. To be honest, I consider that my job is my greatest security for life that my parents have given me. I have even made that statement to my hubby when he asked me to quit the job...I told him first you give me enough confidence, then I will gladly quit my job and look after the family.
Actually my FIL or anyone was not against me working...infact they wanted me to work. But only when I started replying to them curtly, they changed their tone about my job. I asked my FIL on his face, you should have searched a un-educated village girl or a maid for your son...but NO you wanted a professionally educated, good looking, fair, working girl and also who had stock options and this is what professionally educated girls are like...including your own daughter. My FIL infact even asked me how much stock options I had when they had come to "see" me before wedding. And my SIL asked which rank I got in my entrance exams.....what nonsense was that!!! I wanted to ask her "oh! will you select bride for your brother based on a girls entrance ranking"...but just kept quiet.
Anyways if I think about them my whole day gets spoiled....I have stopped even thinking about them. I call them once in a while and say hi-hello and thats it. I have my own family to worry about and I have to lead a happy life for my own daughter.

 

Dear Sihi,

I was shocked after reading ur experience. Way to go sihi, keep it up:2thumbsup: . I really impressed by ur post. Better not to bother anybody & live ur life:goodidea:

 

Indumati,
Sunitha's and Sihi's replies are good to you. We should be polite, humble, respect others and learn to adjust everything. But no need to keep our head under anybody's feet. Be brave girl.

 

Hai,
after reading the various experiences, I too feel that if the problems go over boeard, do not hesitate to be strong and voice your displeasure. talk in a strong but not angry voice to your hubby as well as in laws. After adjust for such a long time, my hubby does not realise my sacrifices. So it is no use being too patient, we will only lose our life and enjoyment.I have seen many people who have voiced their displeasure leading a happy life. People are afraid to ask them anything and keep quite. Only when we are subdued, we are taken granted for and trampled upon.
But, always think with a clear mind and do not decide when you are too worked up.