Cross cultural marriage and more - Sorry for the long post!!

ShivaniMcGuire · Sep 9, 2014

Hello Ladies,
So here I am asking for your advice and would appreciate all the suggestions. I have been married for almost 4 years now. I will try to keep it short and to the point. I was going through a rough break up after 8 years of relationship when I met my husband . I was honest and told him everything since he was very much in love with me he was very understanding and ready to give support and time no matter how long it took -his words not mine. We became good friends and did court marriage in a hush hush!!(MIstake no 1) As I was dealing with depression and struggling with the past to let go I end up saying some really harsh stuff to him (mistake no2) . My ex kept calling and calling and as a matter of fact he still does now I chose to ignore and let it go but initially for 2 years yes i talked to him over the phone once in months (mistake no3) and if that counts as cheating on my marriage .. than sadly yes i did. My husband knew all this all the way I will tell him that i talked to my ex and so on and so forth. We talked sometimes we argued but we stuck together more because of families than us. I guess Recently i figured out, that whatever He told me about himself wasn't true like his education, family background isn't true and i found all this out not long ago. it sort of bothered me the whole lying part. I confronted him and he said i shouldn't be bothered with details. My point is i have been honest even though its coming back and biting me and he wasn't since beginning.
In 2013 the whole marriage ceremony changed me, I finally woke up from my forever long sleep and realized what the heck i was doing and tried my best to make this marriage work with all my heart in it.
In the mean while I was searching for work and nothing came up finally i found one, worked for 6 months contract everything became ok(same city we live now). I found another full time job shortly the first one was over in the city where his parents live and he always wanted to move there so I moved for 2 months with his parents and he was still trying to find a job to move there but couldn't find one. One day it just hit me that the distance is just breaking us apart so i decided to resign and move back immediately.

And now here I am since the day i got back everything just went down the hill. I noticed it when I was away that either he is busy to call or out with his friends on weekends and it is still the same as I am writing this he is out somewhere playing golf! Things have changed dramatically Now he just gets up and throws everything on my face that how disgusting and worthless i am. There is nothing that he has left to say its more like he has build up everything against me for what i have done or not. What really shook me is last week he grabbed my hand and dragged me out the door to throw me out and he just stopped right at the door when i asked why would he do that to me - he said because he wanted to show me that I don't have any money and any place to go in the whole country and he wanted me to realize that. He has just flipped as a person and i am unable to decide what's real and what's not?
i am not sure if this makes sense at all - but we don't talk at all unless we argue, forget being intimate or anything. I don't know if i should give it a chance to work or just walk out like he keeps telling me every day to do so. I am just confused the guy who promised everything he won't be turns out he is no different.

Weasly · Sep 9, 2014

Op you stretched him for too long, and you have done damage beyond repair to his emotions it seems. He may have lied and all abt his background, but he wasnt cruel to you to begin with ! Its your consistent denial of his love and keeping in touch with ur ex and talking to him has led him to behave like this. I am not saying its right for him to do so, but he is doing it cz of the aforementioned reasons!
Sit down and talk it out, ask him if he wants this relationship, and most importantly if YOU want this relationship. If you both cant come to forget each other for the mistakes then call it quits and move ahead, but if there is even an ounce of love left then you both have to forgive, he too has done things that u didnt like and vice versa! Both are at fault, both need to forgive and let go for this to work !

JigsSM · Sep 9, 2014

May be whatever you have done wrong in early days but it looks like your H has no value, concern or respect for you. When something wrong happens, it is mistake of both as you cannot clap with only one hand. Take sometime and both of you discuss about your issues and one by one sort it out. Also if problem still persists then take some professional help which will mend your relationship. Because just dragging yourself in this relationship means no sense, you are just losing your self respect.
If both of you want to continue your married life then both of you have to forgive the past and start a fresh new beginning or else it will be real difficult to live together.

Iamagoodgirl · Sep 10, 2014

OP first thing first start job immediately.Man wanting g to kick you out and there is no where to go is dangerous situation to be in.
About your marriage you give him space and let him know you want to forgot and make a fresh start.If he is interested then he will give signals.
Living with th guy who is turning abusive is dangerous.

JustLikeYou · Sep 10, 2014

Dear OP,

Get your job back. Maintain a distance to reevaluate your situation. Your situation is not helping or empowering you.

ShivaniMcGuire · Sep 11, 2014

Thank you ladies for all the support I very much needed it. :thankyou2:Just an update I guess my H has finally decided to talk it out rather just dropping at me all at once. He seems embarrassed these days.We had a long discussion after I told him I wana go back to India to my parents and would be willing to for divorce. I guess that calmed him down or did something. Thank god I have supportive parents and more supportive in laws I believe MIL has straightened him up as I told her everything recently. Things are definitely better and are getting better! Well now I just gotta work on one more thing (add on) coming from a very well off family I don't know how to manage on budget cuts :bonk I have no clue ..dont know how that works:idontgetit: ..but I am learning fast. Oh I am so thankful I wrote here finally and vent it out.

Again Thank you so much hugsmiley

injustice · Sep 11, 2014

I was so worried with your first post then I thought your English is very well superb why you so calm when your husband thrown out of house you looks living in USA you would have tell him that you call 911.
nway after reading last post I m happy that your problem got solved .

god bless you

ShivaniMcGuire · Sep 11, 2014

aww..did I get you that worried..sorry.....well yes it getting better ...I do live in USA while the whole family is in India ...but my IL are very supportive I mean very its like another home for me. Honestly my husband was the best and caring husband and I guess I have drove him there myself and I should better give my best to work it out. As of now looks like he is embarrassed for how he has behaved and I don't think he really realized till it actually shook us up......
and for the English ..thanks ..I guess just trying to match the American husband ..haha
Hopefully it keeps going the same way ...thank you will update soon.

Iamagoodgirl · Sep 11, 2014

Budget cut Google out.Set priorities.Divide money you have in hand.LikeX amount for food,x amount for clothes.Make bills priorities which you have to pay compulsory every month.