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Coward me and dumb DH and bossy MIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Angiee, Mar 3, 2014.

  1. Angiee

    Angiee Silver IL'ite

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    Iam feeling low in sprits, friends. Dont know why am i so coward to speak against MIL. I share here and need your help on two diff things, ladies.

    1. My SIL stays with us as she is pregnant for the 2nd time. Her 2yr old son also is here. Y'day DH and I went to beach with my family. we were late and by the time we returned everyone slept. Today morning when we woke up and came down, MIL started shouting at us badly. she says to my DH, "what is that you are doing? you left yesterday happily, this 2yr old was not well. He was vomitting, fever and infected. no one to take him to clinic. Sis also felt bad and said I would leave to my home ma. Its my fate I can handle..etc etc" DH didnt utter a word against her and told he would take the kid to hospital.

    I dont understand ladies. why is she showing face to us? Is he our kid? kid mom itself went to work today leaving him with us. why we should be scolded?

    2. SILs hubby came home to see his wife yesterday. Today early morning when he is leaving he couldnt find his shirt (old spare one). MIL called my DH and asked whether my DH took it to our room by mistake. He searched and said "No". after sometime she herselvas came upstairs and searched in our room. oh! How would i define the awkardness, ladies? I felt that is mannerless.

    3. After sometime, she called my DH again and this time she asked him to take care of the "woke-up" kids (which my DH did), whereas my both SILs were sleeping nicely.

    4. Elder SILs slipper tore off. MIL says, "Keep it here. I will ask A(my DH) to stitch it and come".

    and soooo many incidents like this.

    To be honest, I dont have any prob with my SILs. They both are friendly. Prob is with this MIL.

    For SILs prob, MIL herself acknowledge that she will ask my DH to do. and this dumb DH also would do whatever his momma instructs. Its ok to help his parents. but why to SILs? that too for every single thing. what their DHs are doing? Isnt there responsibilties? PILs runs the house. MILs handles kitchen. she is the decision maker. FILs handles finances. my DH is of no use. They dont discuss the finances\house details with my DH. I feel like all of them treats my DH with no value. No dignity for him.

    I already had numerous fights with him regarding this. He is seriously dumb. He is damn afraid to speak against his mom.

    Prob with me too ladies. I am afraid of my MIL. I dont know why iam not able to talk when she raise her voice. I am going numb. I dont like me going submissive at times but when she bosses me, iam really not able to speak. I am growing cold & running out of words and end up being silent. Later i come to my room and cry. I really want to be bold but cannot.

    I dont know. Is this how marriage life will be?:( I was so independent before my wedding but i dont like my life that i am living now, ladies.

    sorry for the long post. :(
     
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  2. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    There is no mention of FIL, isn't he around? ...I guess that your MIL is considering herself as "head of the family".. What was the condition of the kid when you went out? Did he suddenly got ill...

    I don't think that you shuld call your hubby as dumb... if he is the only son & FIL is not around, then its his responsibility to take care of his mom & sisters.
     
  3. Angiee

    Angiee Silver IL'ite

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    Indoc,

    FIL is the finance minister. I did mention him in the post.

    Between, is it my DHs duty to help my SILs slipper get stitched? she brings her tored slipper to our home and leave, and as per my MILs order, DH will go and get that stitched?
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2014
  4. Angiee

    Angiee Silver IL'ite

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    dear ladies,

    no replies? did i ask something wrong?
     
  5. droplet

    droplet Silver IL'ite

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    Is it possible for you to come out of the house and u and your dh can start living separately. I think this can be a solution to most of your problems.
     
  6. Angiee

    Angiee Silver IL'ite

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    I wish to. but not possible at all, droplet.

    MIL also dont allow. DH also never agree.
     
  7. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your problem dear. But most of the mindsets of the families is Like indoc. They think that the brother is supposed to remain submissive and a servant to his SILs even if they get married. But the same case would not apply to DIL - who should forget all about her family once she is married.
    First of all I do not agree to this 'duty of brother' business. I dont have a brother. We are two daughters. Even if I had a brother, I would not bother him for my needs once I am on my own feet -by which I mean, once I get a job or I have a husband who is supposed to take care of my finances. People need to 'grow' up - not only physically but mentally too. And stop depending on other people because it is their 'duty'.
    As a solution to your problem- If you speak up against it , you will only be considered as the trouble maker and everyone would isolate. You may even loose the 'friendliness' of your SILs. Try to act intelligently. Give subtle hints. Learn to speak up to your MIL in a calm manner. Ask questions innocently - for ex: when your MIL says there is no one to take her son to doctor - ask in a very innocent and naive manner -'oh, didnt you get his dad on the phone too? I am so so sorry.But you should have called us immediately, we would have come running.We so badly wanted a break thats why we went'. Or when the slippers incident happens - dont allow your H to take care of it - instead next time when your SIL's H comes visits - tell him 'oh bhaiyya, we have been really busy. Can you please get this stiched?'..You need to be smart.
     
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  8. scale

    scale Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,


    First of all sorry about your situation but its hard to accept the fact that this is a very common issue that happens in most of the families. Please note that, he has been an obedient son (which in your point of you 'A servant') to his mom and sisters throughout his life and you have entered into his life just now. You can't expect him to change his obedient behavior overnight.

    You may expect the situation to change a little if you move out of the house and lead an independent life but I don't think your in-laws will allow your hubby to take such decision because from the way you have described your hubby, he doesn't seem to take such bold decision.

    You feel that he is dumb so you should take required steps to encourage/motivate him to become smart. Instead of fighting with him, have a discussion with him and make him realize the priorities. But, whatever you do, make sure that there is a harmony in the family. Family needs everyone, at any stage of life, we all are dependent on others.
     
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  9. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    I think, your DH had been a good brother and an obedient son for too long, that your in-laws have forgotten that he is married, and is supposed to be head of his own house-hold.

    They are used to asking your DH (son, bro to SILs) for their petty issues and are continuing to do so. Unless your DH says a NO, things will not change. He ideally should have said a NO even before his marriage. So, making him to say a NO, now after marriage will automatically make you the brain behind his reasoning.. making in-laws develop animosity against you !

    I agree with you 100% that your in-laws should treat him better. But I guess they fail to see him as a head of house-hold, as he is actually NOT. If you want to be treated as the head of house-hold, you have to be one ! But, think if you really want to do that...

    Regards,
    JM
     
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  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    They have developed this habit of turning to your dh for each and everything over time. It will take some time to break this habit and remind that your h is now grown and a married man. What you can do is speed up a process a little.
    1. wheneverthe issue arises, speak up immediately. There and then. Dont stew over it, or whine after the fact. There and then in a matter-of-fact voice like you want to understand question why thy r giving him that work. As another poster suggested ask why didnt you call the child's father if you were so worried. Counter SIL immediately when she brings stupid things...why there is no cobbler over there? Why didnt you ask your hubby? etc. Over time constantly asking like this will make them also think twice.

    2. Same time in private do NOT complain about them or their demands to your h. . Instead be very solicitous, you poor thing, you do so much, office work then all this stupid running around you must be so tired.

    3. before everyone you should keep proclaiming how hard your hubby is working. how much your husband has to do, so much office work, no rest even after coming home, he doesnt get even a minute to himself, he gets so tired. Like this subtly try to convey that he feels shy to refuse the requests because he is so good but it is really getting too much and putting a strain on him. Etc. No one can blame you because you are only showing concern for your husband.
    All this will take time but if you are consistent slowly they will also start realizing. One fine day even your h will begin to open his mouth and refuse.
     
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