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Covid And Travel:mini Freak Out

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ATI, Jun 3, 2020.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    If the above is accurate and not an overreaction and imagining the worst on your part - if indeed he will finalize plans for their arrival and inform that to you as a given after the tickets are booked, if your obvious total disagreement will not make him alter his plans, then, any discussion you try to have with him will simply make him dig in his heels even more. The risks for both your in-laws, your kid(s), and your financial future are things that experience has shown me: a person gets it by himself/herself or doesn't. These cannot be explained.

    Tough situation. It has come up because in general your husband thinks it is ok or gets away with making such major planning without your continued participation. If I were in this situation, the risk he is willing to expose my/our kids to would be a deal-breaker. My duty to protect my kids would be way above my "it will be my fault if they fall sick alone in India" fears. I would give a pause of few days to the discussion, keep things normal in other conversations, and then calmly "inform" him that he can bring them if he is willing to have them stay in a separate place right from day one picking them up from airport. I would make this known to in-laws and BIL/co-sis also, if needed. They are saying a plain No, you are giving your husband an option to have his parents close by. The main reason would be: kids will go to school and other places, you will go grocery shopping etc, and this will put his parents at risk. The smaller stuff like how husband will visit them frequently, how to avoid them coming over for entire weekends, I would leave to sort out later.

    This would not be an empty unenforceable statement from me to him issued in frustration. I would be prepared to move out myself with the kids if he still goes ahead and brings his parents to live in the same house.

    Such behavior from a husband - always talking about bringing his healthy parents over for long durations or to settle here - while knowing wife is not in favor of it, and husband not willing to look into live close by but separately options, put enormous stress on a marriage. Such stress in a Covid kind of situation turn out to be the last straw. Even if the marriage is otherwise great, and he is a "great dad and great provider", I would seriously look into options like living separately irrespective of in-laws plans.
     
  2. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    Your husband is being driven by emotions- but what he is doing is not at all practical and puts everyone's health at risk .You should try to make him see sense in a calm and firm manner.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2020
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  3. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    Many Indian states have put restrictions on Sr citizens coming out.Will they even allowed to take tickets or travel ??I am not sure..If you are not able to stop their travel plans ,arrange airbnb stay for them for 2 weeks or in worst case tell your H that you along with kids will move out for 2 weeks.Hope your H comes with some practical solution.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.
  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Pandemic has made people selfish. What one of the posters hinted that she will move out with kids, is neither easy not feasible. Think about taking that step. It does not work in every home.
    In spite of pandemic, people are helping each other, some guard ran to give milk to baby, he could have tripped or caught virus handing out milk in rush w/o gloves. Some one knocked the door to inform there is fire in your backyard, they could have got corona from door knock.

    Think wise way to have them not come. Flights have not opened so not anytime soon. Flights will open only when it is safer and it is not that you will book first ticket. Airports are handling situation very diligently. Train them to sanitize.
    I am stranded here in India, some members of family asked me not to come,
    and i felt bad for a minute even though it was right. They themselves go to places. My brother is asking me to come and he is ready to get me. What if he said no. One 80-yr old woman moved from Mumbai to Telangna and her sons said no. Issue was raised in news.
    Do not take harsh decision. Your H is like mine. He does not think much when comes to parents, I guess and probably blanks out everything. If your IL's are in distress, it is your duty to help them. If not, if they can stay back for sometime, it is better. Do not let pandemic break the morality.
     
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  5. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Bronze IL'ite

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    What one needs to do is what’s right for the entire family. For anyone who is abroad the cost of health care is so huge and unless one takes diligent precautions their future life can be ruined. I know that people who are abroad most likely come to India to take care of them and organise carers for them. For many immigrants they lead mostly a middle class kind of life abroad. Not all are leading the rich life as one thinks. So if anyone is thinking or planning ahead of their life and possible health care issues, they are thinking more for their family welfare. It doesn’t mean they are immoral and don’t have any moral values. It just means their situation is different.

    Even in India a lot of middle income families are struggling with the health care costs. Unless one has insurance one cannot get into private health care. I heard that in Mumbai the daily cost of hospital bed for covid is 25000 rupees and for ICU 35000 rupees per day excluding the extra costs in a private hospital. How affordable is it for anyone? If one plans for such eventualities is it wrong? So I don’t think anyone who had replied here in this thread lack any moral values. I find people get guilt tripped especially when involving parents and in laws. In this thread the replies would have been same if the original post had mentioned about her parents rather than in laws. The fact here involves healthcare and costs thereof and so we are morally right to think ahead. Financial disaster prevention is a good thing for the family. Immigration does come with some consequences which is not foreseen by many and only when parents are getting older will be felt.
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2020
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  6. AppuMom

    AppuMom Silver IL'ite

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    There are certain situations in life where we need to take decisions with brain and not with heart.Unnecessary ,non emergency travel by people is going to put extra stress on family,society and already drained and stressed out medical system.We shouldn't be selfish and should think about not only our family members but other human beings too. Across the world ,doctors and nurses are working in back to back shifts and they are not even able to see their family living in the same city or town. Thousands of people couldn't attend to their dear one's funeral..There are many such situations around us .
    Quarentine is for us and for our society .This is the moral obligation we should have towards our family and society.
     
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  7. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all for your thoughts
    Healthcare cost is a major consideration. DH is willing to buy private insurance for his parents at a huge cost and though it will hurt us financially I am ok to bear it if it’s the only issue

    If they come to the US now it’s a safe assumption they will not go back to India ever again. Basically if FIL falls sick MIL can’t manage (she hasn’t had a lot of exposure to managing outside situations without FILs help). She is scared that she will be stuck in India and DH/his brother won’t be able to travel there to help. All of which are understandable concerns. ILs have always assumed their sons will take care of them because they have sons and they haven’t planned for the realities of our world.

    Setting financial issues aside I have 2 major concerns -

    1) how do we isolate for the first few weeks that Ils come here (and what if one of them gets infected on the plane)

    2) also very worried about day to day restrictions if ILs move here. I have kids at a very active age - Given how little we know about this disease will kids have to restrict their activities because they may bring infection home? If this goes on for another year or so and ILs are here during that time I am worried I won’t be able to send kids to school or classes. If they are at home all year I can’t manage working full time and taking care of them. If we get a full time nanny or tutor that’s an added cost again

    To the poster who suggested we get a place for ILs nearby , that’s too expensive where we live. We can’t afford to run 2 households and pay for health insurance for IL

    many of you have suggested I don’t have to worry about it now. But ILs are talking about taking the first flight out. I am guessing in the next month or so. Since DH won’t discuss with me I have to think ahead and force him to think about all the aspects of this.

    I tried to talk to DH casually again. He immediately got angry and told me
    that his mom said hospitals in India are not accepting any patients so she is scared. Is this true? My parents live in a different state and haven’t had this experience. We don’t know what’s rumor and whats not. There is also some element of ILs think we are all happy here and they aren’t a part of it. Every time dh says kids did something or I cooked something or mentions we went for a hike etc , ILs will immediate say oh we are alone, we are sad, we can’t do / have what you have. It’s especially bad now because they are alone at home and bored. So I don’t know how much of what they are saying about the issues in India and they are scared etc are real and how much is they just want to be here to relax and enjoy .

    like someone said I don’t know if I can do something . It’s definitely not a take my kids and leave situation either. There has to be a path in the middle - what can I say to convince DH about the risk he is taking. assuming ILs will come during high risk time what can I do to protect kids. Can anyone living with older people and young kids comment on what restrictions you are taking to make sure kids don’t bring infection home
     
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  8. netflx

    netflx Silver IL'ite

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    Check Covid And Travel:mini Freak Out
    only practical solution is quarantine 7 days atleast (7-10 days or add a few more) in a fully furnished room inside house, occasionally during the day they come out of room ok with mask and social distance. (so it is not 24x7 room-arrest, they can spend a short time outside the furnished room with facemasks and washed hands). This is only practical choice.

    If they get sick in india (hope not), You will be blamed, thats the way this game will go.
     
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  9. abcd5

    abcd5 Silver IL'ite

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    I think your husband doesn’t have any idea about US health insurance. Are they US citizens or permanent resident? In case if they get sick it will be a big financial distress. Few years back I stayed in the hospital for 14 days because of pregnancy complications and I received the bill for $215,000. I had an excellent gold plan, and they tried their maximum to deny my claim. Finally, state health department came and helped me to resolve my case. Most of the visitors insurance won’t even cover emergency room visits.

    If they are Citizen or PR holders, then insurance will cover everything but still you guys need to pay the deductible and the out-of-pocket max but if it’s a visitors insurance and if they get sick, you guys are going to pay a lot.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2020
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Are your in-laws green card holders or US citizens? If not what kind of private insurance are they planning to get that will offer comprehensive medical coverage? The usual travel plans will only cover emergency care and will exclude a lot of preexisting conditions.
    You need to make sure that the insurance will cover Covid-related conditions since they are voluntarily traveling during a declared pandemic.
     
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