Cousins' Tiff Over Not Inviting Them For Party

Anusha2917 · Oct 3, 2022

Yesterday we celebrated my lil one's 2nd birthday. So here was the plan.
We organized a party for apartment friends and our parents and immediate siblings only. (No cousins included). Our apartment is huge and we have about 2500+ families. To narrow down a small list of 120 is really hard.
When we started planning we came up with a guest list of 200+ , including cousins and colleagues. This meant us hiring two party halls in the clubhouse of our Apartment. We had already booked the bigger hall(about 3months back)which can accommodate 120 guests. We did have an option to take smaller hall also, club both and make it bigger to accommodate 80 more guests. Total around 200.Even though we booked hall 3m back , our guest planning started a month back only and we realised we cannot accommodate 200 guests. We omitted cousins and colleagues and went with 120 apartment friends as we tried to book the smaller hall but it wasn't available as some other owner had booked it.

For my daughter's first birthday last year, still covid restrictions being around we couldn't plan anything big n we had a cousins only party at house. It was difficult to accommodate 50 guests at home but we did it. A grand cake cut, kids games followed by dinner for the guests.
Few cousins didn't come last year. I mean I understand there'll be drop outs and we can't expect 100% attendance. One cousin in particular (I'll name her X now), I was upset she didn't come because she stays close plus this cousin was so upset that I didn't invite her for my baby shower which happened in August 2020 . Peak covid plus all restrictions all over the place. As per govt rules we could have 15 guests at home at a time for the baby shower.
Those 15 included my parents, my hubby parents, mine and husband siblings and one other aunt and her daughter(cousin named Y) .
Done with 15 guests now. I had a special reason for inviting this Y for my baby shower .

My own infertility struggle I shared many times here. Before I conceived few aunties in the family were behind my life that I'm married for so long and don't have a kid. One aunty invited me for a baby shower of a very far relative (pre covid times, this aunty was my SIL's MIL. It was her grand daughter's baby shower) At the function she put a lot of bangles to me, made me sit on the stage along with the mommy to be and did some pooja and announced on stage that before her grand daughter celebrates her baby's first birthday (Ayush homam) Anusha will have her semandham(baby shower). Yes she announced this on stage. This was super embarrassing but I took it with a pinch of salt. Kept smiling through out and didn't believe such things will work. All I had to do was wear those bangles for as long as I can.
But surprisingly this worked. Within 3 months of that function I conceived (off course with treatment) and as that aunty announced before they celebrated great grand daughter's ayush homam I had my Seemandham. Her words came true

Now cousin Y has her own battle with having a baby. Some issues she isn't able to conceive . So I told my mom I'm gonna invite Y n her mom for my baby shower n put her the bangles. So Y was in that list of 15 n everything same was as done for me -putting bangles,prayers etc . Off course no announcement like that aunty did to me. I prayed that Y should get her Seemandham before Ayush homam of my baby.

X was very upset I didn't invite her for baby shower. Took sometime for me to get back to normalcy with X. The drama of her leaving the cousins group, blaming me for inviting only Y etc etc happened. I did explain later on why only Y was invited . Anyways it was past. It didn't affect me much.

Now within few months of my baby shower Y conceived with twins. I thought wow bangles thing was working yet again. But she miscarried early on in her pregnancy .Before my lil ones Ayush homam her Seemandham did not happen.

Last year for my lil one's birthday party all(cousins and aunts uncles) were invited. Y came n X didn't. This time I was a bit upset with X because staying close by she did not come plus she created drama for not inviting her for my baby shower. But her reason was covid times she couldn't risk it with her lil children. We moved on.

Coming to this year neither X not Y were invited as we decided apartment friends only party.

Now unfortunately Y is going through a tough time in her life. After twins miscarriage she conceived again and delivered a very pre mature baby @ 24 weeks. After 15 days in NICU she lost her baby. Its not been even a month since this happened. I have tried to reach Y a couple of times but she wasn't ready to talk to me over phone. I have been with her throughout her struggles, trying to help as much as I can. Off course I have my self struggled a lot with infertility and miscarriage. But after the loss of her baby I didn't know how I could help her. I did not reach out to her on message but tried to reach through my aunt on phone call. She wasn't ready to talk. Apparently none of the cousins reached out to her to console her.

Now coming to 2nd birthday party yesterday X called to wish my daughter and self invited herself to my house saying since she didn't come last year this year she's dropping by (she's stays really close) in the evening. Off course at this point I cannot lie saying I'm not at home or what ever. I said yes visit me, we have a party and join us.
Rest is history, she came took a lot of pics , shared in the cousins group and the bomb exploded.
Y burst out blaming me that I didn't invite her because I thought it was "bad luck " to have her in my guest list. A series of messages was bombarded tagging me, blaming all of us how none of the cousins reached out to her in her grieving period, how she would have felt a nice change if she had attended my lil one's party (been exactly 16 days since her loss). Before I could respond she n her mother (my aunt) quit the group.

I reached out to her personally with apologies which she didn't accept. She wasn't ready to believe my non invitation to cousins this time and X happened to come for the party.

She's offcourse upset but then what do I do next?
1) Send her more messages.?
2) Call her and talk to her?
3) Visit her in person?
4) leave it as is?

I'm really tired of this drama in the family whatsApp group. My situation hasn't been very favorable to invite all the guests at all the time.
I wish they understood me.

Rihana · Oct 3, 2022

Extremely thoughtless, inconsiderate and I think borderline malicious of X to post birthday party pictures in the group when Y is grieving such a huge loss. The outbursts from Y and Y's mother are understandable given the miscarriage and pre-mature births.

There is no point in restating that X happened to invite herself. Drop that angle, do not repeat that at all.

Turn the conversation to:
i) none of the cousins reached out to her in the grieving period
ii) you did not invite Y, it would have been a good change for her.

Apologize on behalf of all cousins and yourself for (i). Apologize on your own behalf for (ii). Send one or two messages over 3-5 days. Call and talk. Visit in person with your daughter (do whatever it takes to show that you don't believe in bad luck).

You were amiss in "I did not reach out to her on message but tried to reach through my aunt on phone call." With your experience of TTC struggles you are expected to do better in consoling her at that time.

Offer the apology, restate it, and leave it at that. After that, give it time. Continue to keep in touch with Y but avoid rehashing this b'day drama. If Y or her mom bring it up, keep your response brief.

This might be a good time to temporarily leave the cousins group (say you are taking a short break from whatsapp groups or something like that.) Also, do not discuss the whole fiasco with X. No good comes from such discussions.

Good Morning. Happy Belated Birthday to the little one and to Mommy.

MalStrom · Oct 3, 2022

Your cousin X is a troublemaker, but you know that already.
Regarding Y, the only thing you might have done differently was to send her a message directly acknowledging her loss and letting her know that you were there for her when she was ready to talk. Instead of going via her mother. She must have felt really bad that no one reached out at all.
It would have been insensitive to invite Y to a little kid’s birthday party so soon after her loss. Her lashing out is due to her grief. Don’t take it personally. You didn’t set out to exclude her by inviting all the cousins except Y. X was the one who created the drama. If she absolutely had to come she could have just dropped off the gifts and left since it was clear she was not invited. Be cautious with her in future.
Apologize to Y and your aunt, for the sake of keeping the peace. You didn’t do anything wrong regarding the guest list for your party. It’s too bad someone else did not have basic decency.
Social media is a double edged sword in situations like this.

SGBV · Oct 3, 2022

Your cousin Y is understandably upset not just for her loss, but also for the fact that you did not invite her to the party.
There is a possibility, some uninvited cousins of the group might team up with her, and working against you for leaving them out.
This is a mess created by X. So, ask her to clarify this in the same group.

As for consoling Y, if I were you, I would visit her in person with my child, and speak something hopeful.

Tamrakshar · Oct 4, 2022

Anusha,
After reading your blog I tend to think that the theory of relativity is relatively easier to handle than solving the difficult algebraic equations involving relatives! One has to be deft in algebra of realtives in order to please all the variables at the same time and same place. You were thrown into a catch 22 situation without having no ill intention on your part. Y has suffered recently, and that made her very emotional. On the other hand, X's action seems to be slightly mischievous to me.

Anusha2917 · Oct 4, 2022

Rihana said: ↑

You were amiss in "I did not reach out to her on message but tried to reach through my aunt on phone call."
Click to expand...

Indeed I was.
It's a lesson learnt after a damage done.
The typed messaged never reached her inbox. I used to erase it. I should have just pressed enter.

Thank you Rihana.

Anusha2917 · Oct 4, 2022

MalStrom said: ↑

Your cousin X is a troublemaker, but you know that already.
Regarding Y, the only thing you might have done differently was to send her a message directly acknowledging her loss and letting her know that you were there for her when she was ready to talk. Instead of going via her mother. She must have felt really bad that no one reached out at all.
It would have been insensitive to invite Y to a little kid’s birthday party so soon after her loss. Her lashing out is due to her grief. Don’t take it personally. You didn’t set out to exclude her by inviting all the cousins except Y. X was the one who created the drama. If she absolutely had to come she could have just dropped off the gifts and left since it was clear she was not invited. Be cautious with her in future.
Apologize to Y and your aunt, for the sake of keeping the peace. You didn’t do anything wrong regarding the guest list for your party. It’s too bad someone else did not have basic decency.
Social media is a double edged sword in situations like this.
Click to expand...

Thank you Malstorm.
Yes I have apologized to Y and her mom.

brahan · Oct 4, 2022

Hey,

Y cannot be blamed. She must be under PPD, loss of her child, multiple miscarriages and all this agony...I think such emotional outbursts are bound to happen

Just leave it like that...let her heal, physically and mentally..then talk to her

stayblessed · Oct 4, 2022

Y has suffered a huge loss and hence her outburst. Its a tough battle for her. What X did is very cheap. If y doesn't believe that x invited herself, just put a message in the group itself stating that you invited only flat mates and friends. Since she lived close by and made a call herself you couldn't ignore her. That way you would not only have conveyed what you wanted to to Y, it would also send a message to X that what she did was unwarranted. Its extremely insensitive of her to post the photos when a cousin is grieving. She should understand that other people can't be cleaning around the mess she creates every time. It's important that you reach out to Y after sometime when she is in a mood to listen to you. But it's equally important that you let X know that you will not handle the repercussions of insensitive things that she does. I mean come on how come she is sensitive to her own feelings but insensitive to others. Be very careful of her Anusha.